Damaged, Chapter Seven

Title:     Damaged

Author:  AquariusLover
Rating:   R
Pairing:  Yunjae
Genre:   AU, Friendship, Romance

 

Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction.  I own nothing and know even less.  This story is a stand alone, but it does take place in the TFAN universe, where Yunho played a crucial role.


Big HUGE thanks to Amy(one of my most favorite people ever)!!!   Also a big thanks to everybody who takes the time to comment!


Summary:  On a cold winter’s day he cast their love away for the sake of his family.  The following autumn an act of vengeance left their love beyond the reaches of forgiveness.  Two summers later a fan’s anger and the ultimate act of self-sacrifice would redefine everything they knew about love, selfishness, and forgiveness.

Previous Chapters

When Yunho awoke the next morning the first thing he did was attempt to move his right foot, he smiled as he felt it lift off the bed.  His fingers on his right hand moved at his command, but he wouldn’t be using them for anything remotely useful anytime soon.  He turned to look at Jae who had managed to get under the covers with him and was plastered to his left side.   What in the world was he ever going to do with Jae?  He couldn’t live with him and he couldn’t live without him, well wait he could live with him…but not in the way Jae would have liked for several reasons.  Several reasons he wasn’t going to start off his day by thinking about though.  He was just going to appreciate Jae’s love and support while he had it.

 

Yunho frowned as he thought of his father and how Jae had said Yunho was dead to him.  Yunho couldn’t have any ill feelings for his father, because if he had really just been a shell he would have rather been dead.  The fact that his mother and father were separated upset him more, but he had always known deep down that his mother had bent to his father’s rule against her own judgment many a time.  Yunho had grown up thinking that was completely normal and it had caused problems with DBSK in the beginning when he had thought he was the leader and his decisions were not to be questioned.  He had become a better leader and listener though, he had thought.

 

When his mind flashed to Changmin his heart winced, how hard Changmin must be taking this.  What was Changmin’s guilt doing to him?  Kyuhyun had made it sound like Changmin was finally coming to terms with it…but his Changmin could even fool himself at times.  He had to walk.  He had to show Changmin all was well and nothing was lost.

 

Yunho looked at the clock on the wall to see what time it was and was very surprised to find it was already 10am…they had let him sleep late?  “Jae, wake up.”

 

“Argh.”  Jae mumbled incoherently as Yunho pulled his left arm out from underneath him.

 

Yunho tried to push himself up with his left arm and found that he was slightly successful and smiled, “I have to get out of bed.  I have things to do.  People to see and extremities to move.”

 

“No, no, no.”  Jae chanted as he pulled Yunho back down with him.  “Sleep, they are nice letting us sleep late.”

 

“I am getting up.  You can sleep all you want.”  Yunho said pulling his left arm away from Jae and hitting the call light with it.

 

“You are heartless, but your speech is amazing today.”  Jae said sitting up before the nurses could descend upon them.

 

“I know.  I am getting up.”  Yunho said propping himself up and smiling at how strong he felt.

 

“I just spent six days doing five concerts, countless interviews, hopping from one country to the next and dancing my ass off.  I want to sleep more.”   Jae growled kicking the covers off his legs.

 

“Really?  So all of you are dancing now?  I thought you and…”  He stopped suddenly unable to finish.

 

“Go ahead, you can say their names.”  Jae told him looking expectantly at him.

 

“No, I can’t.  I hate them both.”  Yunho said suddenly as a very cold chill crept up on him from deep inside.

 

Jae suddenly looked anguished, “It isn’t like you to hate.”

 

“Maybe it’s a side effect of being shot in the head.” Yunho snapped and somehow he felt relieved, even if he knew deep in his heart that even now he wasn’t capable of truly hating them.

 

“What about me.  Do you hate me too?  Am I somebody you just have to tolerate?”  Jae asked suddenly looking at Yunho with real fear in his eyes.

 

“No,” Yunho told Jae frowning at him for being stupid.  Jae had been the most awful to him, but Jae had been spurred on by Yunho’s choice, and his own overwhelming insecurity.  “I used to want you to hate me.”

 

Jae who was relieved by Yunho’s answer just laughed at the man, “Not possible.”

 

“I used to want to hate you…so bad.  I thought hate would make it easier.  I didn’t hate you and I knew how much it hurt to still care…I didn’t want you to feel that.  I would rather you hate me, than to feel that way.”  Yunho confessed to Jae and he could tell that Jae was about to make a lunge for him when the door opened to let Bong Cha and Hana enter.

 

“Should we leave?”  Hana asked as she walked in immediately noticing they had interrupted a private conversation.

 

“No, it’s fine.  I just missed him.”  Jae said embracing Yunho tightly, like Yunho knew he had wanted to.

 

“Well it was mutual let me assure you.”  Bong Cha admitted causing Yunho to frown at her as Jae let him go.  “Sleep the next time he leaves you and I promise to tell him stories about how great you did without him.”  Bong Cha said as she grabbed Yunho’s hand and pulled him up to the side of the bed.

 

“Of course he missed me.  Everybody always misses me.”  Jae teased as he got up from the other side of the bed.

 

Hana who was smiling like a fool seeing them so happy together couldn’t help but add, “Although he did much better when Heechul, Kyuhyun, and Ryeowook were here.”

 

“I would clone Ryeowook if I could.  I have never known a man or woman to cook like he does.”  Bong Cha said as she and Hana placed Yunho in his chair.

 

“Yes!” Yunho said smiling bright, because of the memory of food and because he had actually helped a lot with his transfer to the chair.

 

“We might have talked the cook into warming you up some pasta for lunch that Ryeowook might have left for you.”  Hana told Yunho laughing as he eyes went wide with anticipation.

 

“Yes, he’s the best dongsaeng.”  Yunho said smiling brightly at the promise of delicious food.

 

“He cooks for you?”  Jae said folding his arms annoyed that Yunho was so bright and happy about something that had nothing to do with him.

 

“He loves me.”  Yunho told Jae smiling at him.

 

“He must love us too because he brought us tons of cookies.”  Bong Cha told Yunho smiling knowingly at her favorite patient.

 

“I want one!” Yunho said looking all of three years old.  Bong Cha laughed and handed him one from her pocket.

 

“Oh, brother.”   Jae grumbled from across the room as he watched Yunho engulf the cookie happily. 

 

“We also have more good news for you.”  Hana told Yunho but then turned to Bong Cha to let her finish.

 

“That catheter is coming out, Dr. Lee’s orders.”  Bong Cha told him and Yunho’s face went completely white.

 

“This is good news Yunho.  This is another step toward the door, to going home.”  Hana said trying to comfort Yunho who looked ill suddenly.

 

Jae started to laugh from the other side of the room, “This day is just getting better and better.”

 

Bong Cha gave Jae a disapproving look and turned to Yunho, “We will start off by clamping it off and on for today.  This is so your bladder will get used to holding urine again.   Tomorrow morning you will be free of it though.”

 

“Why are you laughing?”  Hana blurted out, she couldn’t understand why Jae would be laughing at Yunho.

 

“Because he is so modest and now he has something else to worry about.  He will probably dehydrate himself just so he won’t have to pee.”  Jae said giving Yunho a look that said he had already read his mind.

 

Bong Cha frowned at Jae then put her total focus on Yunho.  “There is no need to be embarrassed.  We will give you a jug to pee in. You can totally use it without any help….although at first there might be accidents because you haven’t had to control your bladder for so long.  That is totally to be expected and you are not to be shy.  Do you hear me?  You are to call if you need anything.”

 

“I guess.”  Yunho shook his head feeling a little better.

 

Bong Cha studied Yunho closely, “And I will be monitoring your fluid intake closely.  If you don’t drink enough you will get an IV.  Do you understand me?”

 

“Yes!”  Yunho answered quickly, not taking her threat lightly.

 

 

                                                 ***********

 

 

Yunho was outside for the first time since he had awakened from his oblivion.  He was in his wheelchair with a tray set over his legs eating his pasta while trying to enjoy the grass, trees, and the birds that flew by.  Sadly there was one thought he couldn’t escape, “I feel like I have to pee.”

 

“Yunho!”  Jae growled from the ground beside Yunho where he was sprawled out on a blanket enjoying the sun.

 

“I can’t help it!”  Yunho whined knowing how pathetic he sounded but he seriously felt like his bladder was going to bust.

 

“It hasn’t even been an hour since they clamped it.  You can’t be peeing every hour.”  Jae told him.

 

“I can’t help how it feels.  Just unclamp it.  I would but they stuck it on my right side.”  Yunho pleaded with the man.

 

“I am so not touching your catheter.  I touched it like one time and it leaked everywhere and now an old lady hates me.”  Jae informed Yunho as he readjusted his sunglasses.  

 

Yunho frowned, “I can’t believe you!  It’s just a clamp.  I can’t even enjoy my meal.”  Yunho said trying to readjust himself in his seat to see if he could angle himself toward the clamp.

 

Jae who was resting comfortably on the ground couldn’t help but smart off, “Wouldn’t that be a pity if you couldn’t enjoy your heavenly meal.”

 

Yunho leaned over to his right side, the tray started to wobble and Jae flew up off the ground faster than Yunho had ever seen him move.  Jae grabbed the wheelchair and glared at Yunho, “Yunho!  Have you lost your mind?”

 

“No…well not lately.  I just can’t stand it.  Go get Hana for me!”  Yunho demanded frustrated at his limitations and Jae’s refusal to help him.

 

“Why Hana?  Why not Bong Cha?”  Jae asked narrowing his eyes in that old jealous way that never meant anything but trouble.

 

“You are the brain damaged one!”  Yunho shouted at him.  “Bong Cha woouuld never give in and uunclamp it for me stuupid!”

 

“Just making sure.”  Jae said as he knelt down beside the wheelchair and unclamped Yunho’s catheter.  “I can’t believe the things I do for you.”

 

“That’s why I lo….like yoouu so very muuch.”  Yunho told him smiling as the pressure was gone and relief flooding him.

 

“Have you noticed that when you whine your speech is perfect but when you get nervous it goes all screwy?”  Jae asked Yunho watching the man with great fondness as he started digging into his pasta with glee.

 

“Yep, but the eye twitch is the worse.”  Yunho said with a mouth full of pasta and a big smile on his face.

 

“Who made your eye twitch?”  Jae suddenly wanted to know.  The memory of the eye twitch flooded back to him.  Who had made Yunho so nervous that his eye had started twitching?  Yunho’s eye had not even twitched during Jae’s doomed seduction of the man.

 

Yunho’s smile faded as he realized he said too much.  Jae was never ever going to hear about that conversation with Bill…ever.  “I don’t remember.”

 

“Liar.”  Jae told him as he took Yunho’s fork away from him and started eating his pasta for him.

 

“Mine!”  Yunho informed him selfishly as he watched Jae eat his pasta. 

 

“This is really good.”  Jae said as he took another bite.  “I have to admit he has true talent.”

 

“Mine!”  Yunho repeated frowning up at Jae who seemed to be enjoying the pasta.

 

“Oh, please.”  Jae said handing the fork back to a hungry Yunho.  “How many times have I cooked for you?  How many times have I given you the food off my plate?”

 

“Not anymore.  You make me eat their crap.  You never cook for me anymore.”  Yunho whined perfectly, because it really did bother him.  Jae was an excellent cook and he never even hinted that he might cook something for Yunho. 

 

Jae stretched back out on the ground placing his hands behind his head and smiled up at Yunho and explained. “That’s because there are two things I don’t do anymore.  One would be cooking for others and the other would be bottoming.”

 

Yunho’s mouth dropped open and he just stared back at Jae speechless.  It wasn’t long before a memory that he wanted to forever be washed away flashed in his mind, providing him with visual proof of Jae’s last statement.   He turned away from Jae and tried to push the memory away it would only lead to a fight.  He had to let go of what they had done to him, what they had made him be witness to.

 

“Cooking just lost its appeal without hungry Changmin there demanding I cook constantly.”  Jae sputtered out quickly sensing Yunho was in a dark place.

 

“Truue.”  Yunho responded to him still trying to push unpleasant memories far away. 

 

“Yunho, I don’t know what to say to you right now.  Either way I lose.”  Jae deplored, “It’s never been about love…”

 

“It’s none of my buusiness.  It doesn’t concern me.  I don’t care aboouut who yoouu have sex with or how.  I miss yoouur cooking more.”  Yunho interrupted managing to sound honest.  It wasn’t any of his business and if somewhere deeply hidden in his heart he did harbor fantasies of a reunion, this had been a brutal reminder of why it could never be.

 

Jae just stared at Yunho confused at what he should do.  Should he be offended at the very offensive statement or should he be merciful and let it go?  Yunho’s sudden decline in ability to speak was proof enough this was a topic that bothered him.  Jae knew he had gone too far that horrible autumn day, but he had been pushed by a jealously that had consumed him.   “Well, you will just have to have your precious little Ryeowook cook for you.  He is totally gay by the way.”

 

“Why do yoouu say that?  He seems perfectly sane to me.”  Yunho bit back at Jae hatefully.

 

“What does sanity have to do with it?  Grr…you drive me crazy.  He just is.  I can always tell.”

 

“Or yoouu make them that way.”  Yunho snapped back still sensitive about a certain memory that wouldn’t stop haunting him.  “Gender preferences have never stopped yoouu from getting what yoouu want.”

 

Jae sat up now on his heels.  “It’s so funny that you’re such an expert on my man whoring.  Let’s see you were the first man I ever had sex with.   In all the years that we were together you were the only person I had sex with.   Then daddy made you dump me and toss me aside like trash that’s when…”  Jae stopped himself even if he was miffed, he wasn’t going there.

 

“When yoouu started having all the real fuun?”  Yunho asked bitterly.  “Also yoouu can toy with somebody and lead them on withoouut having sex with them…and yoouu did that plenty.  Yoouu loved making me crazy.”

 

Jae took a deep breath, “Let’s just stop before…”

 

“Also yoouu might not have had me walk in on all yoouur encoouunters, thank God becauuse once was enoouugh but yoouu made damn suure I knew aboouut them all.”  Yunho shot back at him, the memory refusing to go away and it brought the anger and hurt with it.

 

Jae was up now on his feet and he had Yunho’s hands before the other man could pull his left one away.   “If I could go back in time and take back one thing that would be it.  I planned it specifically to hurt you, I wanted this response…but at the time I really did doubt that you still cared.   I regret what I did but I also regret what you did.  You are not innocent in this.  I regret that you destroyed us by choosing your bastard father over me.  I also regret that you suddenly took up with women like I had been some dirty illness you had suffered from and you were finally cured.”

 

Yunho couldn’t look away from Jae’s hurt face.  He wanted to scream at him that they had not been destroyed until he had been lead into that room, but being cruel did not come naturally to him even now.  “I know.”  Yunho sighed, squeezing Jae’s hands back as best he could.  “We aren’t innocent, neither of uus.  We never were.  I am sor…shoouuldn’t get mad at yoouu.  I know how muuch yoouu help me and I know I shouuldn’t think abouut it.  I just can’t stop once it pops into my head.”

 

“I know,” Jae said pulling his hand away from Yunho’s right hand and running it through the other man’s hair.  “I know this will upset you but I am going to say it anyway.  I think you need to hear it.  I love you so much.  I have loved you from the first moment I saw you and nothing we have ever done to each other has changed that.  Even if your family comes here today and rips you from me forever…I know if I live a thousand years my dying thought will be of you.”

 

Yunho just stared back at Jae touched beyond words, he could feel tears building in his eyes.  He pulled his left hand away from Jae’s grasp and reached up and touched the other man’s face.  “I feel…”

 

“You two might want to tone it down.”  Hana said stepping up quickly and butting Jae out of the way as she reached down and started fiddling with Yunho’s catheter.  “Not that I wouldn’t enjoy watching you two locking lips.”

 

Jae stepped away quickly casting a glance around the yard and noticed that Mrs. Ryu was looking back at him oddly.  He smiled and waved at her…she didn’t wave back.

 

“We were not going to kiss.”  Yunho blurted out effortlessly.  “I just felt bad for being mean to him.”

 

“Of course you weren’t.  Who undid your catheter?”  Hana demanded clamping it back.

 

“He made me!”  Jae answered Hana, still eyeing Mrs. Ryu who was giving him a very disapproving look now.

 

“Blame the handicapped person.”  Yunho joked causing Hana to laugh and Jae to turn to him and smile.

 

“Well I guess he is punishing himself…since he is the one that sleeps with you.  So it will be him getting awakened every hour when you have to pee.”  Hana told them with a devious smile.

 

“Forget the pee for a minute.”  Jae told Hana pulling her back up.  “If we made out for Mrs. Ryu’s benefit would that get you fired?”

 

Hana’s mouth dropped open in shock as her face turned bright red, “Yes, yes it would.” 

 

“Jae, you should make out with Haircut Nurse then.”  Yunho eagerly suggested, delighting in the thought of her being gone.

 

Jae looked at Yunho confused but loving the look of joy on the man’s face, “Who?”

 

Hana who was still blushing lit up at the suggestion.  “He means Soo Jin and you totally should!”

 

“I’ve kissed worse.”  Jae grumbled turning back to Mrs. Ryu and he knew for certainty that the woman was having not nice thoughts about him and Yunho’s relationship.

 

“Why the frown Yunho, surely you didn’t take that personally?”  Hana couldn’t help but joke at Yunho’s sudden frown.

 

“No,” Yunho denied vehemently as he sipped on his energy drink refusing to look at Hana.

 

“Of course he didn’t.  I am sure nobody ever regretted kissing him…but what would I know?”  Jae teased still eyeing Mrs. Ryu who stuck up her nose and turned her back on him.

 

“Another admirer bites the dust.” Yunho joked at Jae who was still watching the woman who had turned her back on him.

 

“Yunho…”  Jae said turning around and smiling at the man in the wheelchair.  “Umm…this affects you too.”

 

“Not me, I am just the innocent cripple that you took advantage of.”  Yunho told him smiling brightly at Jae.

 

“Oh, really?  I am going to make you think….”

 

“You two behave.”  Hana interrupted as she removed the tray from Yunho’s wheelchair.  “Go explore the gardens there is a nice little creek back behind those trees.  Enjoy the Vitamin D the sun provides.”  She told them as she walked off with his tray.

 

Jae plopped himself back down on his blanket defiantly, “I know she doesn’t think I am your taxi service.” 

 

“You really aren’t going to take me?  I want to see the creek.”  Yunho frowned and turned trying to get a good look at the trees behind him.

 

“Nope, I am going to lay here and enjoy the sun.”  Jae said staring up at the sky with his sunglasses on.

 

Yunho darted his eyes down to Jae who appeared to be enjoying the sun greatly. Yunho turned away from Jae and smiled mischievously, “Oh, so you like the sun now that explains it.”

 

“Explains what?”  Jae asked casually.

 

“Well when I first saw you I was certain ten years had passed at least.”  Yunho told him nonchalantly as he did little hand exercises with his right hand that Bill had taught him.

 

“Excuse me?  Did you just say I look old?”   Jae asked appalled sitting up suddenly.

 

“Not old, just older.  Well make-up hides a multitude of sins, so I am sure your fans haven’t noticed.”  Yunho told him sounding very condescending.

 

Jae was on his feet now.  He cleared his throat before he could continue, “Ten years older?”

 

“Maybe not ten…more like seven.”  Yunho conceded not looking at the man as he worked the fingers on his right hand.

 

“This isn’t funny.”

 

“I am sure you have been under lots of stress….it eventually builds up on a person.”  Yunho said looking up at him and giving him an understanding smile.

 

Jae sneered, “Yes, I have been under lots of stress.  Stress caused by you!  Years of stress caused by you.”

 

“That’s not true…when we were together you didn’t look old.”  Yunho told him honestly, because to Yunho, Jae had been at his most beautiful then…too beautiful for human eyes at times.

 

“You are being serious?”  Jae yelped as he could tell Yunho wasn’t just toying with him.

 

“You didn’t looking haggard till 2009.  Sometimes I would meet you in the hallway before the make-up noonas could get to you and it would just make me sad.”  Yunho told him honestly, enjoying the look of rage on Jae’s face.

 

“You didn’t look sad!  You looked judgmental because I had usually been out drinking all night.”  Jae shot back at him as the memory of those times came flooding back to him.  “Like I told you it was your fault.  You had dumped me and I was still forced to be around you all the time.   I was miserable!  You drove me to drink!”

 

Yunho gave him a pathetic look enjoying riling him further, “You drank long before we broke up, long before.  What a selective memory you have.  I just gave you a better excuse to drink.  Plus you were forced to be around me for less than a year then you escaped my presence…and you still looked older.”

 

“Sssehhhe,” Jae was unable to even make a coherent comment to that statement.

 

“You are starting to sound like me.”  Yunho told him laughing at the flabbergasted look on Jae’s face.

 

Jae raised his arms up and took a deep breath and walked around to the back of Yunho’s wheelchair and unlocked it and started pushing.  “You win.  Let’s go see the creek.”

 

“Drowning handicapped people is wrong!”  Yunho yelped as Jae ran over a big rock on purpose.

 

“Really?  Now, some people would think I am doing you a favor.  You know those people who haven’t stayed by your bedside for a year willing you back to life.”  Jae grumbled hitting every bump he could find.

 

“I am so sor…sorrowfuul.  Yoouu look better than any other man…uunder yoouur same stress.”  Yunho told him still not completely giving in.

 

Jae stopped the wheelchair right at the edge of the bank where there was at least a three foot drop to the little creek.   Yunho couldn’t help but gasp because the creek was beautiful.  He knew where the facility got its name now.  The creek’s water was completely clear with a flat stone bottom.  He could see little fish swimming and there were ducks too. 

 

Jae pushed the breaks of the wheelchair on and walked over beside Yunho, “How am I supposed to be mad at you when you look like a five year old who has never seen a duck before?”

 

“You can’t be.”  Yunho told him smiling brightly and feeling so alive. 

 

“You should have lots of children.”  Jae just blurted out randomly.

 

Yunho was shocked needless to say at Jae suddenly changing the topic to this.  “Words I thought for sure I would never hear uttered from your mouth.”

 

“There is such a thing as infertile insemination you know.”  Jae told him smiling.

 

“That’s more like the Jae I know.”  Yunho told him shaking his head at the other man.

 

“Although sometimes I wish I had been born a girl.  How much easier everything would have been on us.”  Jae lamented sitting down on the grassy creek bank.

 

“There would never have been a Dong Bang Shin Ki and we would have never met.  I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend.  I was looking for fame and success.”  Yunho told him, not sure if he liked the direction this conversation was taking.

 

“Oh, I would have still been a SM trainee...I was determined to escape my life…to sing forever.  I would have still seen you that first time and been instantly in love.  You would have been an easy catch.”

 

“I would have been?”  Yunho couldn’t resist prompting Jae.

 

“If I could get you as boy, getting you as a girl would have been a piece of cake.  I wouldn’t have had to fight all your embedded thought’s of right and wrong.  It would have been so easy, except we would never have been famous.”

 

“Why not?”  Yunho frowned and asked.

 

“Because I would have got myself knocked up so fast and laid my permanent claim to you.”  Jae said without a second’s hesitation knowing exactly what he would have done. 

 

Yunho laughed nervously, “Others have tried and failed.”

 

“Please, I know you aren’t comparing me to the pathetic simpleton girls you dated…our whole history is something you would have never done with anybody but me.”  Jae told him laughing but very confident.

 

“I can’t argue with that, but you aren’t a girl sadly.”  Yunho informed him unable to imagine how different everything would have been if Jae had indeed been born a girl.

 

“I know.” 

 

“But aren’t you happy to be a man now?  You didn’t seem too happy with me when I remembered your softer, younger looking days.”  Yunho couldn’t help but tease at the end.

 

Jae looked up at him chewing on his bottom lip, “Don’t even start on that old stuff again.  Like I said it is all your fault…your asshole father’s fault to be exact.”

 

“Jae,” Yunho said shaking his head not wanting to have this old fight again.

 

“When you were mine everything was perfect and I was happy…with a fabulous complexion.  He took you from me, even before the lawsuit.  Of course I look older…it’s hard losing the one you love.”

 

“Whatever, I got shot in the head and still look fabulous.”  Yunho told him distracting Jae.  He didn’t want to have another fight.

 

“I know.”  Jae said looking up at Yunho successfully distracted, “A year of sleep and mindlessness really did you good.”

 

“I know it’s the only benefit I can think of.  Still wouldn’t recommend it though.”  Yunho joked.

 

“You always look good…even when you got fat.”  Jae said with devious glint in his eyes.

 

“Let’s not talk about the chubby times…please.”  Yunho turned to Jae giving him his best puppy dog look.

 

“I love you dearly, but you went and said I looked old.  So how was it being a total fatty?”  Jae smiled up at him enjoying the man’s embarrassment.

 

“It wasn’t that I was totally fat, it’s just that Changmin was anorexic at that time and we were always together.  I asked him to not to walk so close to me but you know how mean he can be.”

 

Jae sat up straighter suddenly, “My heart would hurt when I looked at him.  How could he ever be that skinny?  He lives to eat.”

 

“Depression affects people differently.”  Yunho pointed out sadly, but at the same time hoping he had changed the topic.

 

“So were you stealing all his food to feed your depression?”  Jae said refusing to fall into Yunho’s trap.  “Or did Changmin deprive himself of food to feed your depression?”

 

“Who says I was depressed maybe I was fat and happy?  I had a really beautiful girlfriend that loved to cook for me.”  Yunho told Jae wickedly without thinking of the consequences.

 

Jae’s mouth dropped open and was truly speechless.

 

“Speaking of her?  I am guessing she was in the better off dead following.”  Yunho said toying with Jae as he watched the storm clouds build in Jae’s eyes.

 

“Fat and happy?”   Jae literally spit out, causing Yunho to wipe his face where some of the spit had landed on him.

 

The scary look in Jae’s eyes made Yunho decide to stop torturing him, “Of course I was miserable you idiot.  I had lost you, lost my group, lost two brothers, lost so many fans, and that horrible failure of my drama.  God, if the bullet had only taken those memories from me, I think I would have welcomed it.”

 

Jae was up on his feet quickly and walked behind Yunho’s wheelchair out of his eyesight, “Don’t say that.”

 

Jae behind him out of eyesight made Yunho nervous…he really shouldn’t have mentioned Go Ara.  Had he lost his freaking mind by mentioning her to Jae?  “What are yoouu doing?”

 

“Hating myself,” Jae said sadly from behind him as he wrapped both arms around Yunho’s neck leaning his head against Yunho’s.

 

“Because you are about to throw me off into the water and you are really going to regret it when I drown?  I can barely move my right side…I sure can’t swim.”  Yunho said trying to lighten the mood but found that he was leaning into Jae too.

 

“Hating myself because as much as I love you, I never loved you like I should have…never as much as you deserved.”  Jae spoke softly sounding miserable. 

 

“Nobody has ever loved me like you do.”  Yunho tried to reassure Jae as he felt the other man’s tears against his own cheek.

 

“My love for you is selfish, always so selfish it’s always about me.  I want you to be happy, but only if it’s with me.”  Jae honestly admitted a bitter truth that people had always thrown back at him.

 

“Jae, it’s okay.”  Yunho said reaching back to touch the other man’s face with his left hand.  “If it wasn’t for you, I would be dead and buried now.”

 

“That doesn’t make it right.  I knew how bad you were hurting back then, but instead of having mercy for you I just went out of my way to hurt you more.  I took Junsu and Yoochun from you.  I made it where they were forever beyond even the reach of your forgiveness.”

 

Yunho was suddenly still because the truth of Jae’s words didn’t escape him.  He knew them to be true.  Where he had only wanted Jae to find strength in his hate for him, Jae had only wanted weakness and pain for him. 

 

“I am going to be better now.  I promise, even if we are never lovers again.  I will never cast you out of my life again.  Your existence isn’t enough for me anymore. I need you in my life…even if only in the guise of a friend.”  Jae promised still embracing Yunho from behind.

 

“We will never be lovers again, so we will soon see if your words hold true.”  Yunho told him convinced in the truth of his words.  Junsu and Yoochun were not the only things forever out of the reach of his forgiveness.

 

Jae let go of Yunho and questioned gently, “Because of your promise to your father?”

 

“No, not that alone.”  Yunho told him bitterly.  “I will always love you, but those days are gone.”

            Chapter Eight


                                                    
  • Current Music: Love in the Ice
erh
"It wasn’t long before a memory that he wanted to forever be washed away from his brain ..."

(bolded is missing)

anyway.
Is Yunho peeing anytime soon? That poor thing >_>
(still no comments on the plot, sorry
do continue tho
it's really good honest @_@; )
Now we have a clearer idea about what happened between Jae and Yunho.
I wonder what it was that Junsu and Yoochun did. I can't imagine Yunho hating anyone :(

Thanks for this wonderful story <3
And I forgot to add, this may be the first time that I'm glad that Yunjae are not together. I'm honestly, honestly glad.
gosshhh, I really like this chapter. It reveals a lot !
Did I tell you I love this fic ? Yes ? Well, I will say it again then : I love this fic !! :D

But I hope Yunho will change his mind because I want YunJae to be lovers >.< Broken Yunjae is always heartbreaking and these idiots are so in love so why don't they just go back together T_T Ofc I know it's not that simple :S
Yunho left Jae because of his father, no big surprise here, but Jae might have done something even worst than sleeping with others men/(women?) if it is so hard for Yunho to forgive him...

I'll wait for a next chapter and I hope you'll keep telling us more about what happened between YunJae but also between the 5 of them (I mean Yoosu and Changmin too) ^^

When I finally do reveal what really went down, I am afraid of the responses. They might not be so pretty from those who can not differentiate between reality and a story. Yikes.

Thank you bunches for reading!
I really enjoy these conversations between them, they seem so close but still very far in the same time. Its so exciting to get to know more and more about their relationship and about those darks secrets that taint their past.

And they'll get rid of the catheter soon!

Yunho was so adorable how he praised Ryeowook's cooking in order to make Jae jealous and force him to cook too, it's shame, that ha failed because of Jae's decision...
And I liked the part with their musings about Jae being a girl, it was so interesting seeing things in that aspect.

[heart]
I always thought Jae would have made a beautiful woman, since he looks better then 90% of women now. I remember watching a old video of theirs and Jae was describing the first time he met Yunho...and he was such a girl about it. Going on about what Yunho was wearing and his hair...loved it. I have never been able to find it again, but it was awesome.

The catheter will soon be gone! Does Yunho need to hide now? LOL

Thanks so much for being completely awesome by reading and commenting again!
This was a tough chapter--so many difficult truths spoken between them. How I hope against hoping that the two of them will have each other again...
You never know, we aren't close to the end yet. Facing the difficult truths will make things easier...if they don't fall back.

Thanks bunches for commenting.
They love each other. But is it possible to repair something that is so broken? I can't wait to see.
I believe anything is possible if two people want it bad enough, but do they both want it?

Thanks so much for commenting. Love your lady bug!
Oh you bring me great joy with this update! I have never laughed so much! Can't wait for the catherter to come out how quickly they forgot that it's our friend =D! I laughed so much when Yunho called Jae old because as much as I like Jae it's not hard ofr me to imagine he would shit bricks at the first sign of wrinkles XD! Them by the lake I think is the most honest they have been with each other and with themselves. Happy Min and the others are mentioned in this chapter...still waiting their actual arrivals in this story because I know they all care and SuJu WILL give Min updates on Yunho....
They are so mean to their catheter friend!

I totally see Jae like this too! You can't be that pretty and not know it! Shitting bricks! Ha! I love my Jae with a little vanity though, makes him hotter. Yunho is a little vain too though...maybe more then a little. LOL

One of them will be arriving soon.:) Although I might get hate comments for it!
Gosh darnit!! How do you do that??? How do you make me laugh and cry all in one chapter??? LOL!! I love it!! Jae's personality in this is so freakin awesome!! I like to think that this is exactly how he is in real life! Witty, yet brutally honest! Gah!! I love him sooooo much!!

So we finally know what he did that pushed Yunho over the egde. He planned it so that Yunho would walk in on him topping someone. Whoa!! That's harsh. But I just can't be mad at Jae for it, I just can't. He was a shattered desperate man at the time, I would have done the same thing. And of course, I see Yunho's pov and how he can't be with Jae, but also can't be without him. *sigh*

Anywho!! I love this and I can't wait for the next chapter!! ♥♥♥
I am so glad you enjoy Jae! I know I should love them the same, but in the story I think I totally love Jae more. He is such a mess!

Jae knows Yunho and unfortunately for Yunho he knows how to leave him gutted....but then again he knows how to bring him back from death too.

Thanks so much for your nice juicy comment!
Ya know...I really really want that in the end, YunHo just BEG JaeJoong to go back to his arms again...and I really really want JaeJoong to say no! Well before in the end Jae give up and say yes of course...duh..this is YunJae fic XDDDD

Waiting for the next part!! ^__^
I think Jae is desperate need of some Yunho loving now so he would have to play hard to get after the make up sex. LOL

Oh, but not all Yunjae stories end happily do they???

Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
im so glad you updated,.... i've been waiting so pateintly now... i really loved this chapter, with so much teasing and hurt. like it the way how your bringing out the hidden/ unsaid secrets among them.. can't wait for yun to be back on his legs soon~!!!! keep it coming!!! :D
I will most definitely keep on updating. Thanks for being patient. I had to slow them down or I would be forced to write...and forced writing never works for me.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
OMG Yunho is getting TWOC-ed!! ^^ hahhaha

I loved the chapter eventhough it was like a crossfire of arguments from both sides...but its good in a way atleast they are letting it all out. Its like they both have a mutual understanding what went wrong but at the same time very stubborn. Its good to know atleast they are being honest with each other & not beating round the bush!! ><

Its weird how I love the way they both get jealous of the other spending more time with someone else other than them (esp JJ) lol XD I was wondering though why JJ never volunteered to cook for Yunho..

Hana supports them right?

Its great that Yunho is recovering well & that JJ is always there to support him. when Yunho said “I will always love you, but those days are gone.” does this mean the days he loved JJ were over or that he still loves JJ but not to the extent of getting back together or something along the lines of that..do I make sense? @_@

Looking fwd to the next chapter hun :)
Hana loves Yunjae. She supports them and was only trying to protect them.

In Yunho's mind he knows he loves Jae...but he doesn't think he is in love with him. Yunho is convinced that they will never ever be lovers again. He wants Jae with him, but he wants to make it clear that friends is all they can be.

Thanks so much for your lovely comment!