Genre: AU, Friendship, Romance, Drama
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I own nothing and know even less. This story is a stand alone, but it does take place in the TFAN universe where Yunho played a crucial role.
Big HUGE thanks to Amy(one of my most favorite people ever)!!! Also a big thanks to everybody who takes the time to comment!
Summary: On a cold winter’s day he cast their love away for the sake of his family. The following autumn an act of vengeance left their love beyond the reaches of forgiveness. Two summers later a fan’s anger and the ultimate act of self-sacrifice would redefine everything they knew about love, selfishness, and forgiveness.
Jae who had been laying on the bed texting like mad on his phone with a huge smile on his face nearly jumped out of bed when Yunho wheeled in the room. Yunho had lingered in the doorway a good five minutes and Jae had never looked up.
“Why so jumpy, Jae?” Yunho asked as he wheeled himself up to the bed beside Jae.
“I am not jumpy…you just startled me. I have to get used to you wheeling around in that chair by yourself,” Jae said sliding off the bed and placing his phone on top of the dresser.
“Don’t get too used to it. I plan on walking after tomorrow,” Yunho informed Jae looking very determined.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” Jae said walking over to the wheelchair and bent down to readjust Yunho’s socks that he was about to lose. “Bill said baby steps, so lets aim for baby steps tomorrow.”
“But see how good it is doing?” Yunho said as he lifted his right foot up to Jae’s mouth.
“Don’t make me bite you,” Jae said, patting the foot in question and standing back up. “Are you ready to go to bed yet?”
“Not really. I have places to be and people to see.” Yunho joked smiling at Jae who just stared down at him with a long suffering expression.
“All that sugar…it’s like you’re a kid on a sugar high.” Jae joked as he pointed to the baskets and more baskets of chocolates and candies that one of Yunho’s fan clubs had donated to Clear Creek.
“They are the best fans ever!” Yunho proclaimed
“What do you want to wear tonight?” Jae said walking over to the dresser and opening the drawer where Yunho’s nightclothes were kept.
“Red!” Yunho said with way too much energy.
“Red is dirty so green it will be. You look good in green,” Jae said tossing the pajamas in Yunho’s lap as he walked over to lock the door.
“I look good in everything,” Yunho said as he took the sweat shirt off that he had been wearing without any difficulty and slid his pajama shirt on.
“I am never going to get any sleep tonight,” Jae mumbled under his breath as he walked back to Yunho who was struggling with his buttons.
“Don’t help,” Yunho warned. He could tell from the look in Jae’s eyes that he was about to grab Yunho’s shirt and button it up himself.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Jae said, folding his arms to fight the urge to help the struggling man.
“I have to make it work,” Yunho insisted as he made his right hand help him button up his shirt.
“Agreed,” Jae answered as went back to the dresser and grabbed his phone and starting smiling as he looked at his messages.
Yunho stopped attempting to button up the rest of his shirt and watched Jae smile down at his phone…a smile that was usually reserved only for him. Jae has been glued to his phone for the past couple days and it was starting to bother him. “You can do it.”
Jae snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Yunho. “You gave up quick. That isn’t like you,” Jae said, moving to Yunho and finished buttoning his shirt quickly.
“I am getting tired,” Yunho lied as he eyed the phone on the dresser with yearning.
Jae patted his cheeks. “Is that sugar high running out? You want me to call the nurses to finish?”
“Why do you always ask me that?” Yunho whined because Jae had been getting him ready for bed for almost a month now, but he always asked the same question.
“Well because you can be very moody and I don’t want to be accused of molesting you or taking advantage,” Jae said as he started to unbutton Yunho’s jeans.
Yunho couldn’t argue with that. He was very moody at times. “I have been better though, haven’t I?” Yunho asked as Jae unzipped his jeans and helped him sit up so he could slide his pants off. Yunho couldn’t resist adding for pure meanness, “Since Heechul, Ryeowook, and Kyuhyun visited last week haven’t I?”
“I suppose,” Jae said sliding on the new pair of pajamas, and Yunho could tell he was biting his tongue.
“Would you do me a favor?” Yunho asked as Jae positioned the wheelchair against the bed so it would be easier to transfer Yunho.
“What?” Jae asked as he pulled the covers back and dropped the side rails on the bed.
“Would you take one of the baskets to the nurse’s station?” Yunho asked as he eyed the phone hungrily now. For some reason he wanted desperately to get his hands on that phone and see what had kept Jae so entertained the last couple days.
Jae looked down at him suspiciously now. “You hate Soo Jin? Why would you want to give her candy?”
“Well I don’t hate the rest. They shouldn’t have to pay because they have to work with her. Those poor people suffer enough already,” Yunho reasoned darting his eyes away from the dresser quickly so Jae wouldn’t catch on.
“Well let’s get you in bed and then I will,” Jae said, reaching down for him but was immediately stopped as Yunho reached out and took his hands.
“No, I want to stay in the chair till you get back,” Yunho insisted quickly wrapping his hands around Jae’s wrists.
“Yunho, if you are in bed you can just go to sleep. You know I always get caught talking,” Jae reminded the man.
“No, it’s fine. I want to stay in the chair,” Yunho said smiling, letting go of Jae’s hands.
Jae held his hands up in defeat. “Okay, we will do it your way,” Jae said walking away to grab a basket of candy. “These were meant for the nurses anyway,” Jae said knowingly of the baskets.
“Hana was completely in the right to give them to me. If the fans knew I was awake they would have wanted me to have them,” Yunho defended the younger nurse who was becoming a real ally. “Shut the door behind you,” Yunho ordered as Jae started to walk out.
Jae turned around at the doorway his look even more suspicious now. “Why exactly do you want the door shut?”
“I want to be able to pick my nose. I want to be able to fart loudly. I want to be able to have sex with my wheelchair,” Yunho snapped back, hoping to annoy Jae’s suspicions away.
“Don’t make me run over that wheelchair with my car,” Jae warned as he shut the door behind him.
“Finally,” Yunho muttered under his breath as he unlocked the wheelchair and headed for the dresser. He knew he had to be quick as he eyed the dresser for the best approach. He couldn’t reach the top without standing. He pulled out a drawer so he could pull himself up with it. He easily did so and found himself standing. He was holding himself up with his left hand so he had to use the temperamental right hand to grab the phone. He was relieved when it obeyed him for once and grabbed the phone easily. He was all smiles till he tried to sit back down again and the wheelchair rolled away just before his butt could make contact with it…he landed hard on the floor.
Yunho sat on the floor where he landed and glared at the chair that had rolled far out of his reach. His plan to sneak Jae’s phone unnoticed was gone now, and his nosiness would now be known. “Oh, well,” Yunho said as he turned the phone on.
The phone was locked and required a password. Yunho just smiled as he punched in the DBSK debut date, but frowned when it didn’t work. “I am an idiot,” Yunho mumbled under his breath as he tried his own birthday and it didn’t work either. He tried Yoochun’s birthday also and it didn’t work either. With a huge frown on his face he tried Junsu’s birthday and was very relieved when it didn’t work either. “Great…I am going to end up locking him out. Think, Yunho, think!” A huge smile broke out on Yunho’s face as he punched in the day that Jae had always referred to as their anniversary.
Relief flooded Yunho as the phone opened soon to reveal all of Jae’s secrets. Yunho went to Jae’s saved text messages and found there were over a hundred new ones mostly all sent by Yoochun and Junsu. As he read through them he soon realized whatever argument that Yoochun and Jae had was long forgotten. As they teased back and forth about a multitude of things…but the sharp comments Yoochun made to Jae about how vegetable love never worked out in the end hit close to home. Yoochun seemed to still be giving Jae hell for staying with Yunho and neglecting their group. Junsu on the other hand made several texts asking about Yunho’s health and seemed to be very supportive of Jae staying as long as he wanted.
Yunho frowned as he read further and now they were commenting on meeting up for a concert in
Yunho was so deep in thought that he totally missed the door opening, and he nearly jumped out of his skin when Jae yelled, “Yunho!”
When Yunho looked up and saw the panic and horror on Jae’s face he quickly attempted to calm the man down before he called for help, “It’s okay! I am fine. I just wanted to sit on the floor.”
Jae had already rushed to him and was on the floor beside him, “You wanted to sit on the floor?”
“Yeah, chairs and beds…I get tired of them,” Yunho said very aware of the phone that was in his hand.
Jae blinked at him. “So you thought you would sit on the floor?”
“Uuummm…yeah,” Yunho answered realizing how stupid it sounded to his own ears.
“And my phone? Did it decide to sit on the floor with you?” Jae answered taking the phone away from Yunho.
“I promise it didn’t fall,” Yunho said with a guilty grin.
“Did you fall or not?” Jae said now running his hands over Yunho’s arms and legs looking for injuries. “I don’t care about my phone but if you hurt yourself we need to let the nurses know.”
“I didn’t hurt myself. I promise. I went to sit in my chair but I forgot to lock it and it moved away. I just landed on my butt. It barely hurt at all,” Yunho informed him trying to ease the man’s worries.
“It hurt?” Jae asked, jumping to his feet and heading toward the call light.
“Jae, if you call them…they won’t ever trust you with me again!” Yunho tried to warn him, but it didn’t work.
Jae looked at Yunho and punched the call light. “You are going to get a thorough examination so just get ready. I can’t believe you. If you wanted my phone you should have just asked. Who did you want to call?” Jae said coming back around to the man on the floor. Yunho was now glaring at him.
“Not saying!” Yunho was pouting now and he knew it was totally immature of him but dammit a thorough examination was the last thing he wanted.
“Yunho, don’t be like that. You know I can’t take your word that everything is fine. You always think everything is fine. What if you have a broken bone or something?” Jae said, kneeling back down beside him. “I can’t risk you being hurt.”
“I fell on my ass! It isn’t like I fell on my head. Just my ass,” Yunho said, turning his head. “Soo Jin is not examining me I refuse. They better get somebody else is all I can say.”
“I like your ass, so I have to make sure it is okay,” Jae joked as he ran a hand through Yunho’s hair.
Yunho turned on Jae erratically his eyes red with frustration. “You are never getting near my ass as long as I am still breathing. Why don’t you just leave already and go to Paris early. You can go and create new memories with your darling Yoochun and Junsu. You can replace any burdensome memories of the five of us with just the three of you...it’s what you three do best!”
Jae jerked back as if he had been hit in the gut. “Yunho…”
“What’s wrong…why is he on the floor?” Soo Jin had entered the room calmly but her anxiety level increased suddenly finding her star patient on the floor.
“I fell on my butt,” Yunho informed her as she knelt down beside him and grabbed his arm feeling for his pulse. “Are you hurting? You heart rate is fast.”
“Only my pride,” Yunho answered, looking at her and refusing to look at Jae.
“What were you doing? How did you fall?” Soo Jin asked still kneeling beside him. Other nurses now were gathered at the door watching.
“I was trying to get something off the dresser. I went to sit back in my chair and it rolled away from me. I forgot to lock the breaks. I ended up on the floor no big deal,” Yunho told her trying his best to be civil.
“We still have to have a doctor look at you. You haven’t regained all your feeling on the right side. You could have hurt yourself more and not even know it.” Soo Jin insisted as she turned to the nurses at the door, “Call Dr. Lee so he can examine him and bring me a blood pressure cuff.”
“But you don’t think he did…do you?” Jae asked his worry evident in his voice. Yunho still refused to look at him.
“I am sure he is fine, but we have to make sure,” Soo Jin said as she took a blood pressure cuff from another nurse, for once Yunho getting more of her attention then Jae. “You will have to step out when the doctor gets here.”
“Okay,” Jae agreed reluctantly staring at Yunho who was examining the floor to avoid looking at him.
“He will probably order x-rays too…just as a safety precaution,” Soo Jin advised.
“My parents are both lawyers…best be safe,” Yunho said, looking up at her and smiling.
Soo Jin ignored his veiled threat. “Your blood pressure is a little higher than your normal but still well within normal limits.”
“I guess I should go…how long?” Jae asked Soo Jin but he was still watching Yunho.
“It just depends on whether the doctor orders x-rays so give us thirty minutes,” She told Jae as he slowly walked off.
When the doctor had declared Yunho fine and left the room without ordering x-rays Yunho had felt vindicated. He knew he hadn’t hurt himself and he couldn’t help feeling annoyed at the others for overreacting. His body was finally returning to him…it was almost his again and he would know if he had hurt himself.
Yunho let Soo Jin help him back into bed without a word of complaint. He wasn’t looking forward to Jae’s return…if he returned. Was Yunho’s last outburst enough to send Jae off packing?
Soo Jin raised the side rails on the bed and pointed a finger at Yunho. “Do not get up without help. You were lucky this time next time you might not be so lucky.”
Yunho shook his head in reluctant agreement and was relieved when she left the room. She was barely out of the room when Jae returned looking like a dog that had been beaten by his beloved master.
“So you were right. Everything was fine,” Jae said as he shut the door behind him.
“I told you so,” Yunho told him his annoyance still palpable.
“Yes, but I had to be sure,” Jae said as he walked to the closet and pulled out a blanket and laid it on the chair.
“What are you doing?” Yunho asked as Jae also walked to the bed and took his pillow and laid it on the chair too.
“I am sleeping on the chair from now on,” Jae explained, turning and looking at Yunho like a man who had come to sad realization.
“Is this to punish me?” Yunho asked shocked.
“Would it punish you?” Jae asked him curiously as he walked over to stand beside the bed.
“No,” Yunho told him laughing. “You are only punishing yourself.”
“I know that, but I’m also going to start honoring your wishes and sleeping with you every night isn’t respecting them. It isn’t right…if we are going to be friends.”
Yunho blinked surprised. “So you are going to start taking it seriously?”
“Yunho, I have been trying the best I can. I really have. Sleeping with you is just too hard on me though. I have to create boundaries or this isn’t ever going to work,” Jae explained as he reached up to cling to the side rails.
“Why now? Is it because you and your backstabbing boys are all perfectly friendly again? Is it because you are getting ready to leave? Like I said earlier just leave now I am sure they would be more than ecstatic to see you!” Yunho hated the words as they passed his lips. He knew how childish, jealous and bitter he must have sounded but he couldn’t help himself.
“Yunho, don’t be like this,” Jae said, reaching up and running a hand through Yunho’s hair.
“I can’t help it. It’s like the part of me that used to stop me from being like this is gone,” Yunho admitted, not jerking away from Jae’s touch. “I think the bullet killed it.”
“Or I did,” Jae said, sliding his hand down to Yunho’s check. “There are some things I have to tell you and you have to listen.”
“You are leaving,” Yunho told him disappointed. “I know you have to and I know you should have a long ago. I know I won’t ever be able to give you what you want from me, but I don’t want you to be with anybody else either. I think I might need a shrink.”
“Stop it. Just listen to me okay,” Jae said, moving his hand down to squeeze Yunho’s shoulder.
“Okay,” Yunho agreed feeling dread creep up on him.
“Our twenty-eight days are up in two days and I am not leaving till then. The concert in Paris had to be pushed back because I refused to leave a day, hour, or even a minute early. Also Junsu and Yoochun are still my friends…my brothers…my members. I love them still. I almost…” Jae stopped as Yunho turned on his side to face away from him.
“You left out lover. Don’t forget Junsu is your lover,” Yunho told him venomously refusing to look at him.
“No, he isn’t. He was somebody I had sex with one time…to hurt you. It was painful in more ways than one. While Yoochun knew what I had planned…Junsu didn’t. I almost lost Junsu’s friendship forever that day…when he sobered up and realized what we had done he was so mad. He was mad at me for a long time. Junsu was angry and disillusioned with you…disappointed but he never wanted to lose you forever,” Jae tried to explain because not talking about it hadn’t helped anything.
Yunho turned back around on his back and whatever good temperament that usually controlled him had completely vanished. “Well he did lose me forever and so did you; whatever chance the future might have held for us was lost that day too. No matter if you are fucking Florence Nightingale who brings me back from the dead again and again…we were lost in that moment. I was still in love with you till that moment. My father had separated us but he hadn’t changed my heart…it still belonged to you but never again. I will never trust you again…no matter how hard you try.”
“I know…I hurt you,” Jae told him, trying hard to calm the storm that raged inside of him that wanted to throw out excuses and to fight back.
“You took them from me…I loved them so much. They were my brothers…you took them from me,” Yunho let out an anguished cry as Jae’s real crime suddenly came into the light the wound that would not heal. The hurt that always rose up and overcame him was fueled by the lost of Junsu and Yoochun from his life.
“Yunho, I am so sorry,” Jae pleaded not knowing how to comfort the man and at the same time relieved that Yunho was finally acknowledging their lost.
“You took what was beautiful and pure and made it into this horribly, filthy memory that I can never get past no matter how hard I try,” Yunho confessed. “It erases all that was beautiful before it makes all the happiness of the years before fade to black.”
Jae clung to the side rail again tightly. “I know it isn’t enough but I am so sorry. I know I keep saying this but if I could go back in my life and change one thing…it would be that day. All the damage that we suffer from now, and what you suffer from now…comes directly from that day. All could have been forgiven, and peace could have been found…till that stupid, most awful day.”
Yunho gave Jae a dubious look. “I want to believe you, but you can’t go back in time…some damage can never be healed.”
“I don’t believe that. You are proof that all damage can be healed,” Jae told him, reaching for his hair again.
“Maybe healed, but never like it was before...it’s scarred forever,” Yunho admitted reluctantly hating himself for still yearning for Jae’s touch and not pulling away from it. “Let’s just stop. This arguing, it changes nothing and only makes the pain fresh again. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I am not finished there is more I need to tell you, but first you have to know that they still love you. Yoochun’s love is hidden in his guilt but Junsu asks about you every day.”
“Stop! I don’t want to hear this,” Yunho said suddenly more uncomfortable then he was before.
“No, you need to hear it. I wanted to hurt you. I did. They didn’t do any of this to hurt you. They wanted their freedom. They wanted the rewards of their hard work…they didn’t set out to hurt you,” Jae said, trying to reason with Yunho.
“Just stop…I know what they thought of me for not joining with them. I might be brain damaged but unfortunately that part of my brain works fine,” Yunho said, growing more agitated.
“You can disagree with somebody but still love them. Did you not love them when they left SM? Did you hate them?” Jae asked knowing full well the trap he placed for Yunho.
“Of course not…that was nothing compared to all the years…everything we had been through together. I loved them as much as always till that day,” Yunho informed Jae very offended.
“But they aren’t capable of loving you and disagreeing with you?” Jae asked holding on to the side rails of the bed for leverage.
Yunho sat up in bed enraged at Jae now. “I would never have done to them what they did to me…never. I would never screw Taeyeon and have Changmin lead Junsu into the room to make sure he could watch. Never, not even now.”
Jae took a step back and bit his lips together for a moment as he watched the other man fume. “Junsu was my victim as much as you were. When the lawsuit talks got heated and your divide started to show…I started toying with him.”
“He let you! I didn’t see him stopping you! Don’t act like he was an innocent victim that had no idea what you were doing. He knew!” Yunho threw back at him not feeling the slightest bit generous.
“Yes, he did…but come on Yunho did he have a chance against me really? The moment we were made roommates his fate was sealed,” Jae told Yunho in a matter of fact tone of voice.
Yunho just stared at Jae speechless for a moment as the other man’s vanity quenched his angry in a way that kindness couldn’t. “How the hell do you even get your head through doorways? I mean in the history of the world has there ever been anybody with such a high opinion of their powers of seduction?”
Jae raised his eyebrows at Yunho’s attack. “My love, we know it to be true. I always get what I want…except for one painful exception, but a man can dream.”
Yunho just snarled at Jae and laid back down in his bed. “If you think I am ever going to let you stick your dick up my ass you are dreaming. You should have tried a couple months ago when I was still in a coma that was your only chance.”
Jae’s mouth dropped open and he sat back down in his chair as he came to a sudden realization. “You think I want to top you?”
“Juust go to bed,” Yunho said suddenly feeling very unsure of himself.
“You do! I knew you were taking what I said out in the yard that day literally, but I didn’t imagine you were still dwelling on it,” Jae said completely amused now.
Yunho pushed himself back up in bed now feeling the need to defend himself. “I took yoouu literally becaauuse yoouu literally said yoouu don’t bottom and yoouu don’t cook for anybody anymore.”
Jae brought his hands up to his face and tried to hide his laughter but it was impossible. “God, you are such an idiot.”
“How am I an idiot? Yoouu are the idiot,” Yunho threw back at Jae at a total lost.
Jae fought down his laughter. “It’s just funny that we have a knock out drag out fight about the past and your speech is perfect, but I bring up sex and there it goes.”
“So now yoouu are making fuun of my speech impairment? Yoouu really are an ass! Don’t worry I won’t talk anymore tonight,” Yunho growled falling back down on the bed.
“It’s funny that you believed me. I’m sorry apparently you are having some insecurity issues so let me help you out,” Jae said coming to stand beside the bed.
Yunho just clenched his jaw tightly together to show he wasn’t saying anything else.
“My love, do you think I wasn’t perfectly happy with the way we were together all those years? I think about it all the time more then I should…much more then I should. I love your cock. I love it thrusting inside of me, I love riding it, I love sucking it like the sweetest honey and I love falling asleep with it still inside me,” Jae leaned over the bedrail telling Yunho this in a deep husky tone that showed exactly how much he missed it. Yunho’s eyes widened and he grabbed his pillow placing it over his face.
Jae grabbed the pillow away from Yunho showing the man’s blushing face. “I would never let anybody else inside of me, never. You are the only one I belong to.”
Yunho reached for the pillow again but Jae wouldn’t let it go. “Yunho, do you understand what I am saying? Did I make myself clear enough for you? I can draw a picture if you would like.”
Yunho nodded his head and Jae smiled. “That’s good because I don’t think those pictures would be appropriate considering our new just friends status. Unless you want to rethink that decision now; that you are still top dog.”
Yunho shook his head no and with one last tug he was able to pull the pillow away from Jae and cover his face with it.
“You are so immature,” Jae told him, rolling his eyes as he sat back down in the recliner finally ready to go to bed.