Title: DamagedAuthor: AquariusLover
Genre: AU, Friendship, Romance
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I own nothing and know even less. This story is a stand alone, but it does take place in the TFAN universe, where Yunho played a crucial role.
Big HUGE thanks to Amy who is great beyond words. Big thanks to everybody who takes the time to comment!
Summary: On a cold winter’s day he cast their love away for the sake of his family. The following autumn an act of vengeance left their love beyond the reaches of forgiveness. Two summers later a fan’s anger and the ultimate act of self-sacrifice would redefine everything they knew about love, selfishness, and forgiveness.
Just a kindly reminder this is an alternate reality based in the future. Just a crazy story.
“You are going to put me in that?” Yunho who was sitting in a wheelchair asked Bill dreadfully as the physical therapist showed him a sling hanging from the ceiling. Yunho’s day had already had enough excitement he couldn’t help thinking. When Bong Jae had taken his catheter out he had cried for joy…eight hours later it was a different kind of crying he felt like doing as his bladder grew fuller and fuller.
“It’s to stimulate walking. It helps your legs get used to carrying weight and at the same time gives you the feeling of walking again.” Bill told him all smiles as Yunho looked at the sling hesitantly. “I promise you, you will love it. I will be back in a minute to get you loaded into it.” Bill told him as he headed off in the direction of another patient who appeared to be giving one of his assistants a hard time.
“I know a very wealthy Japanese business man that has almost this same exact sling…although he used it for different purposes.” Jae said with a sly grin as he tousled Yunho’s hair.
“Do I know this Japanese business man?” Yunho asked in dread, “Is he like really scrawny?”
“He’s not exactly a world class athlete and you most certainly know him.” Jae continued with the smirk still on his face.
“Urgh...I don’t need to know anything else.” Yunho said scrunching up his face as he remembered all the rumors surrounding Jae and the man in question.
Jae laughed, “Well sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do.”
“What did I tell you about not explaining any further…it’s disgusting. Although it does explain a lot and it proves that Changmin was right after all.” Yunho said looking very sour at the thought of his Jae stooping to such levels and the fact that his bladder felt like it was going to explode didn’t help.
“Well Changmin has never had to fight against the evil empire has he? Sometimes you’ve got to use whatever charms you have to create much needed alliances.” Jae was biting on his lip to keep from laughing.
“What…yuuck. I told you I didn’t want to know this. How did you ever fall ouut of grace thoouugh? Changmin and I have often wondered that?” Yunho asked curiously, because Jae very rarely lost admirers.
“He fell in love with me…he was truly pathetic and drunk almost all the time. He kept insisting that I say those three little words to him and well ‘More Money, Please’ wasn’t the ones he wanted to hear.” Jae said laughing at the memory of the fool.
“Wouldn’t it have been easier to just have said it?” Yunho asked bewildered knowing what it must have cost to anger such a powerful man.
“Did you proclaim your love to Go Ara and your other little sluts…to make it easier?” Jae bit out suddenly hatefully his mood instantly changing.
“Be careful Jae, your green eyed monster is showing. I am capable of loving somebody without being in love with them. I never lied to Go Ara, not even once.” Yunho told the man turning a look full of warning on him.
Jae knelt down beside the wheelchair and looked up at Yunho confused, “What does that mean exactly? Did you love her…were you in love with her?”
“She is a very good person and she helped me a lot at a time when my life was a mess. She would look at me and I didn’t feel like such a huge failure. I loved her but I wasn’t in love with her. The damage that our broken love had caused me was in no way repaired enough for me to be in love with anybody.” Yunho told him honestly looking down at the man as he shifted in his wheelchair trying to get comfortable but his full bladder kept hindering him.
Jae seemed to take in Yunho’s words and consider them, “The damage our broken love did to the both of us. It went both ways. I know you think I slept around after our break up just to hurt you. You would be right of course because I did pick most of my sexual partners on the basis of whom I thought would hurt you the most, but also the bond between love and sex had dissolved for me. I no longer linked the two together and that can be very freeing.”
“Jae, I don’t want to hear this.” Yunho said leaning back his chair uncomfortably wishing like mad that somebody would come in and interrupt them.
“No, I have something to confess and I want you to hear it. I don’t want there to be any secrets or lies between us.” Jae insisted.
“I don’t want to know. It isn’t any of my business!” Yunho whined, wishing like mad that Bill would return.
“It is your business because it involves you. It wasn’t those men that I got off on. Most of the time it was the thought of the pain it would cause you that got me off, because if you hurt that meant you still cared. As long as I could hurt you…you still cared. Then other times if I was fucking them from behind or blowing them…I could always pretend it was you. Most of the time I never even co...”
“Serioouusly stop it! I swear if yoouu don’t stop my eye is going to start twitching!” Yunho warned trying his hardest not to become entrenched in Jae’s twisted tale.
“Don’t twitch. My point is that no I could not tell him I loved him, even if it would make things so much easier on JYJ. I never told any of them that I was in love with them. I made sure they knew the opposite was true. It never had anything to do with them, they were just there…all of them.”
“Why do yoouu tell me suuch things? How am I suupposed to respond to that?” Yunho asked puzzled and sickened.
“You don’t have to respond. I just want you to know that even when I was my most horrible to you...it was all about you. It’s always all about you. You are the only person I have ever been in love with. If we are going to be friends you need to know that.”
Yunho slumped in his seat, “I knew that withoouut having to hear the gory details.”
“You are such a prude sometimes.” Jae said rolling his eyes. “Grow up, Yunho. I didn’t give you any gory details.”
“I don’t care I don’t want to know. Friends shoouuld have some secrets.” Yunho insisted, shifting uncomfortably in his seat again.
“No, not when one friend stiffens up and starts stuttering at the mention of sex, that isn’t normal. We deal with the beast so it doesn’t control you.” Jae pointed out as he reached up and grabbed Yunho’s right hand and started playing with his fingers.
Yunho couldn’t help but squeeze Jae’s hand with his right delighting in how it was slowly returning back to life. “Just so yoouu know I am not sharing any of mine till I can defend myself.”
Jae looked up at him and laughed, “That would probably be a wise move on your part. Friendship should not be tested so…” Jae stopped talking as a woman in a gray business suit entered the room.
“Mr. Kim, if you would please come with me there is a matter that I need you to attend to in the business office.” She told him in a clipped professional tone.
Jae stood up and Yunho noticed he suddenly looked leery. “I can’t leave him unattended. As soon as the staff returns I’ll find you.”
“That is perfectly acceptable.” She told him turning and leaving.
“What’s up?” Yunho asked worried. “If Dr. Lee is even thinking of putting that catheter back in me the answer is no. I just don’t need to pee yet.”
“That’s what you said four hours ago.” Jae told him as he reached out and ran a hand through Yunho’s hair. “Don’t think I don’t know how miserable you are. If it has to go back in it isn’t the end of the world.”
“Yes, it is. It doesn’t hurt I promise.” Yunho lied, fearful that the catheter might return. Also to his annoyance his head was beginning to hurt also.
“Hey, I was told to come watch him?” Hana told them as she walked into the room.
“They sent you?” Jae looked more curious by the minute. “Okay, I am going to go. I will see you later. I better make it back in time to see you sling walking.” Jae told Yunho before walking out of the room.
“Do you know what’s going on?” Hana asked, “They are being really hush, hush right now.”
“Oh, no.” Yunho said his face suddenly turning bright red.
“What?” Hana asked turning to the man but her face became instantly understanding as she noticed a huge wet spot growing bigger and bigger on the front of Yunho’s light blue pants.
“I am so embarrassed…I am so sorry you have to do this.” The humiliation almost had Yunho in tears as he soaked in the tub in his bathroom. Hana had quickly surmised what had happened. She had taken her nursing jacket off and thrown it over Yunho’s lap and then hurried him back to his room and into his bathroom.
“Yunho, don’t be silly. You are my patient this is what I am paid to do…for all my patients. I am just glad you finally urinated. You don’t have to have another catheter. You will soon have control of your bladder back”. She told him with a kind smile as they sat hidden in the bathroom with the door shut as Yunho finished cleaning himself.
“Please don’t tell anybody.” Yunho pleaded as he washed himself.
“I will have to tell them that you finally urinated but I won’t go into details I promise. It isn’t a big deal though. There isn’t anything to be embarrassed…”
“Why do we have to talk in here?” A loud voice could be heard through the bathroom door demanding. Yunho eyes flew wide open as he instantly recognized the voice. He quickly let go of his towel and placed a hand to his mouth motioning for Hana to keep quiet.
“Yoochun, it isn’t like he is in here. He will be in physical therapy for at least another hour.” Jae could be heard saying as they listened to the door of Yunho’s room being closed.
“It just doesn’t feel right. I shouldn’t be here. Hell, you shouldn’t be here either.” Yoochun could be heard telling Jae his voice a mixture of remorse and anger.
“Do you really want to get into that old debate with me right now?” Jae warned.
“No, I just…why all the pictures of him on the walls? It feels like a shrine to him. Did you do this or his mom?” Yoochun accused sounding extremely uncomfortable.
“Why feeling guilty?” Jae asked spitefully.
“Yes, you know I am capable of feeling guilty unlike some people I know.”
“Is that what your avoidance of all things Yunho is? Your pitiful guilt?”
“Yes, it’s my guilt. He wouldn’t want me here…he made himself very clear that day and he wouldn’t want you here either.” Yoochun admitted sounding more distressed every second he was in the room.
“Are you sure of that?” Jae asked confidently.
“Yes, I am. It’s time for you to let him go and get back to your life. Junsu and I need you too. We are all sorry about what happened to Yunho. It kills us but this has got to stop.”
“If you keep pushing me you are not going to like the results. I said give me a month and I will give you a week. That’s the deal. Take it or leave it.” Jae told him his voice full of venom.
“Jae, you have finally lost your fucking mind if you think that is in anyway acceptable. A group can’t live like that. We’ve got to do promotions, tours, and work on new albums. We can’t lose everything we have worked so hard for.”
“Then replace me I don’t give a shit. If you make me go back now, you will regret it. I promise you that.”
“He doesn’t know you! Even if he did he wouldn’t want you here!”
“You keep saying that, but how do you know? If it were up to people like you he would be dead and buried now,” Jae threw back at him.
“He probably wishes he was! Do you think the Yunho we knew and loved would want to live like this?” Yoochun deplored, trying to reason with the man.
“Loved? Loved? I love him! There is no past tense, I will always and have always loved him. You can throw him in an early grave and pacify yourself with your half hearted sediments but that will never work for me. My love isn’t so easily brushed aside for bright shiny new things!” Jae told him his voice full of contempt.
“You act like your some fucking martyr. You don’t act like the man that fucked Junsu and made sure Yunho walked in on you!” Yoochun told him crudely. “Remember that Jae? How easily you forget!”
Hana’s mouth dropped open as the voices clearly passed through the door. Her fantasy of the perfect couple crumpled to dust as things suddenly became much clearer. Yunho closed his eyes as the horrible truth that caused him so much pain was finally put into words.
“And you act like you didn’t lead him into the room with the promise of group reconciliation. I hurt him but I couldn’t have done it without your help!” Jae screamed back at him.
“Do you think I don’t know that? I know that and that’s why I won’t stand at his bedside and act the role of heartbroken friend…because I don’t deserve that right. I lost that right when I took you up on your malicious plan,” Yoochun explained in a broken voice, his regret obvious in every word he spoke.
“Blame me! It’s always my fault. I don’t remember you trying to talk me out of it. No, you were too fucking scared that I was about to crack and go running back to SM…back to him. You knew that something had to be done to sever our bond forever and you happily obliged me in my madness so don’t act the innocent for me, because I know better.”
“I am not innocent and you are not innocent and Yunho wasn’t innocent either!”
“Don’t accuse him. Don’t ever accuse him!”
“He cast you aside per his sweet daddy’s wishes and expected you to just stay by his side forever…as his friend. He also stayed and hid behind SM with claims of loyalty and left us alone to fend for ourselves. If he would have just come with us, Changmin would have come too. None of this would have ever happened! We would all be together now! Yunho isn’t innocent either! None of us are. He is just gone, just gone. It’s horrible and sad but it doesn’t make him right. He was one of the best men I ever had the honor of knowing, but he wasn’t always right. You have got to learn to let him go!”
Hana jumped as a loud crash could be heard hitting the wall. “I am never letting him go. Do you understand me? Never! I will fucking destroy JYJ is such grand fashion it will make what we did to Dong Bang Shin Ki look like child’s play.”
“Don’t you fucking Jae me. I will meet you in
“This is crazy! Can’t you see how crazy this is! You are acting like I am your enemy! I have never been your enemy. I am your dearest friend. I have let you waste a year of your life here…it can’t go on any longer.” Yoochun pleaded with Jae trying to make him see reason.
“Anybody who tries to take me from him is my enemy! You need to get out of here before I say things I can’t ever take back,” Jae warned. Hana found herself wishing desperately that Yoochun would just leave as she watched the affects of their heated conversation play out on Yunho’s face.
“Jae, calm down. I am your friend, your brother, and your soul mate. I have your name tattooed on my heart. I am not your enemy, nor have I ever been. I just want…”
“You want me? Does it kill you that I picked Junsu over you for my ultimate revenge? I had to. I knew you would get all dewy eyed and think we were in love. Least Junsu had to be drunk before he fell into my trap…you would have probably bent over willingly,” Jae had no mercy for Yoochun as his sharp words flowed out easily leaving gaping wounds in their path.
“Fuck you, Jae.”
“Just go. I warned you!” Jae cried out in anguish.
The door to the room could be heard opening and slamming shut loudly. Yunho could feel tears rolling down his face. Hana just sat there stunned as her delusions slipped away from her. Moments passed without them saying a word when the door could be heard opening again.
Hana got up slowly and cracked the bathroom door open slightly and turned back to Yunho. “We better hurry he is no doubt on his way to find you.”