Title: DamagedAuthor: AquariusLover
Genre: AU, Friendship, Romance
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I own nothing and know even less. This story is a stand alone, but it does take place in the TFAN universe, where Yunho played a crucial role.
Big HUGE thanks to Amy who is great beyond words. Big thanks to everybody who takes the time to comment!
Summary: On a cold winter’s day he cast their love away for the sake of his family. The following autumn an act of vengeance left their love beyond the reaches of forgiveness. Two summers later a fan’s anger and the ultimate act of self-sacrifice would redefine everything they knew about love, selfishness, and forgiveness.
Yunho was sitting up in his recliner trying to will away his headache, when Jae flew into the room like a bat out of hell. “Yunho, I couldn’t find you anywhere. What happened? Why did you leave?”
“I had to pee.” Yunho said smiling as he picked up the remote and turned on the television.
“Oh, good.” Jae said letting out a breath and coming and taking a seat in the chair beside him. Jae stared at Yunho confused, “Why did you change clothes?”
“So what was so important? What was your meeting aboouut?” Yunho asked, ignoring Jae’s question by distracting him with his own.
Jae twisted and popped his neck and told him, “Nothing for you to worry about. They just sent somebody down to try and convince me to leave. It got ugly but I won’t leave.”
Yunho frowned slightly, “I can imagine how hard it could be for a group if one of the members is never there.”
“I know.” Jae said as he took both of his hands and rubbed his face clearly still distressed by the earlier confrontation.
“But I am grateful.” Yunho admitted causing Jae to look up and smile at him. “I want you here with me.” Yunho said without any difficulty. He didn’t know if he said it to ease Jae’s mind or prove Yoochun wrong…he just knew it was true.
A huge smile broke out on Jae’s face as he looked at Yunho happily, “Why…I don’t know what I did to deserve such a confession but I’m loving it.”
“It’s not a confession…not at all it’s just a simple little truuth. I mean…we are friends that uused to be more, buut not now…not ever again… buut it doesn’t mean that I don’t want yoouu here with me duuring this hell.” Yunho said backtracking instantly.
Jae’s smile fell instantly off his face. “I think I have heard that before…like a million times even with your screwed up speech I get the drift. Not cool to keep rubbing it in.”
“I don’t mean to ruub it in. I just don’t want yoouu here…losing so muuch time and opportuunities uunder false pretenses. I love…I love yoouu, buut I’m not in love with yoouu,” Yunho somehow managed to get out as he squirmed in his seat. He couldn’t help but feel torn as the selfish part of him and the honorable part of him collided with each other.
Jae just shook his head and leaned back against the chair and tilted his head up to look at the ceiling not saying anything.
“I will never forget what yoouu have done for me. I owe yoouu so muuch and I love yoouu for it…more then I love anybody. Just not in the way yoouu want me to,” Yunho explained, apologizing because that part of him that used to explode at Jae’s touch just didn’t exist anymore.
Yunho watched and waited as several moments passed and Jae continued to lean against the back of the chair saying nothing. When Jae tilted his head to face Yunho it was with barely suppressed rage. “Your father must have magical powers over you because…because nobody could ever order for me to stop being in love with you, ever.”
Yunho closed his eyes. His head was started to hurt more but he refused to hide from the truth any longer. “You give my father too much credit. He coouuld separate uus, buut it was yoouu that destroyed uus not him.”
Jae sat up immediately and placed his hands on his knees, “Yunho, stop it. I don’t want to argue with you. I don’t want to upset you but you tossed me away. Everything I did was in direct retaliation for a choice you made. If it’s anybody’s fault it’s yours. ”
Yunho just stared at the man suddenly irritated as he could feel his control slipping away. Earlier it had been Yoochun’s fault for not stopping him and now it was Yunho’s fault. “Of coouurse, it’s my fauult. It’s always my fauult. Cowardly, pitiful Yuunho who obeys his father and who honors his contracts…it’s always my fauult. Everything is always my fauult! I have heard this a million times buut feel free to repeat it. How overjoyed some muust have been to know I finally got what I deserved for all my failings.”
“Yunho, I didn’t…” Jae pleaded suddenly taken aback by Yunho’s sudden anger as he reached out and grabbed his hand.
Yunho jerked his hand away and immediately reached up and grabbed the back of his head, “Don’t toouuch mee.”
“Yunho. I am sorry, that isn’t what I meant. Is your head hurting?” Jae said immediately worried as he stood up quickly, the other man’s pain was vibrating all around the room.
“Mr. Kim, why don’t you take a walk?” Bong Cha who was standing at the doorway with the dinner tray watching Yunho carefully, instructed.
“What?” Jae asked her astonished that she would ask him to leave.
“I think you should give him a little break. He has had a rough day, let me check him over in private.” Bong Cha said as she put the tray down and walked over to the call light and hit it.
Yunho’s head who felt like it was being slammed against a cement wall didn’t comment.
“Yunho are you hurting?” Jae asked ignoring Bong Cha’s request as he kneeled down in front of Yunho. “I am sorry, of course it was my fault too. I just can’t handle knowing it was my fault in anyway. It kills me to know that.”
“What’s going on?” Hana asked as she stepped into the room.
Bong Cha pointed to Jae, “Get him out of here. So I can check this one over.”
“Jae, that wasn’t a request.” Hana said as she came over and tapped him on the shoulder. “She can’t help him if she can’t check him over.”
Jae jumped up and turned cold eyes on Hana, but took a step back when he found her eyes just as cold. “I don’t understand why I have to leave. I have never had to leave before.”
“You were never the problem before. Now go.” Bong Cha told Jae as she wrapped a blood pressure cuff around Yunho’s left arm after prying it away from his head.
Jae looked like he had suddenly been hit and allowed himself to be led out of the room by Hana who had grabbed him by the arm. “Just let her check him over.” Hana said as she closed the door behind them.
“You think I did this to him?” Jae asked suddenly terrified. “We argue like this all the time…it never means anything.”
Hana watched him as he paced outside the door and she chose her words carefully, “I think today has been stressful. He had a major trauma to the head he is going to have headaches.”
“Stressful? You mean the catheter coming out…is it more than that?” Jae asked as he stopped his pacing and was suddenly acutely aware of her cooler than normal attitude with him.
“They are also backing off on some of his medication. It could very well be that.” Hana told him as she leaned against the door not confessing anything of what she had heard earlier.
“Maybe we shouldn’t…he hasn’t had a headache in so long.” Jae said panicking. “What if he has a seizure? He hasn’t had one in months...he can’t handle that. We shouldn’t change his medicine.”
“That is for Dr. Lee to decide, not you. With head trauma like his there is always the possibility of a seizure, always. Medicine has its benefits and its side effects and you have to weigh them out.” Hana advised completely professionally.
“That’s easy for you to say.” Jae snapped back at her moving toward the door.
“I know how hard they are on the person having them and the loved one being witness to them.” Hana told him as she spread her hands out against the door blocking him from entering.
“I have to see him. I have to make this right…don’t make me call an attorney.” Jae warned.
“You would call an attorney threatening his privacy, because you can’t wait outside a room for ten minutes while she examines him?” Hana scoffed at him unbelievably.
“Yes, because I know I upset him and I know I can calm him just as easily. Separation is never the answer with us, never…it just leads to madness.” Jae told her not looking the slightest big ashamed of his behavior.
“I think you should just….” Hana reply was interrupted when Bong Cha opened the door.
“You can go back in now. I am going to go get something for his headache and I will be back. Make him eat.” Bong Cha said as she walked away to get the medicine.
Jae didn’t even spare Hana a look as he immediately went to Yunho.
Yunho barely had time to acknowledge that Jae was back in the room before he found himself engulfed in the other man’s arms. “I am so sorry.”
Yunho’s left arm wrapped around Jae, “It’s my fault. I knew Yoochun was here and I let it upset me.”
“I didn’t want you to know he was here. I knew it would upset you. Who told you?” Jae asked surprised but still embracing him tightly.
Yunho looked up at Hana who remained in the doorway and a silent agreement passed between them, “It doesn’t matter how I knew. I just shouldn’t let it upset me.”
Jae pulled back kneeling between Yunho’s legs and one hand went up and gently rubbed Yunho’s head. “Have you noticed my new habit of always playing with your hair?” Yunho’s eyes who were watery from pain nodded. “Well you used to have headaches all the time and it seemed to soothe you.”
“Oh,” Yunho said leaning into the touch.
“Bong Cha said I have to make you eat.” Jae told Yunho instantly getting a frown in response. “Hey, I don’t make the rules.” Jae said as he got up and moved the table in front of Yunho.
Yunho nodded his head and started to eat the dinner in front of him as Bong Cha came back into the room with the medicine.
“Yunho, this will make you drowsy. Eat what you can then we will put you to bed before we leave.” Bong Cha said placing the pill in Yunho’s mouth and then handing him water.
“I can put him to bed.” Jae offered still leery of leaving him.
“No, I don’t want you to.” Yunho informed him as he finished the water.
“Okay,” Jae told him not looking hurt just concerned as he watched the man.
Jae had left after Yunho had finished eating. He had gone around visiting the staff and other residents and their visiting families that he had neglected since Yunho had his great awakening. Then went outside to the back and sat on a bench for a long time watching the sun set.
He told himself he was going to give Yunho two hours of peace before he came back to his room, but an hour passed and he found himself incapable of staying gone any longer.
When he returned to the room he found Yunho in bed sleeping with slight snoring noises. Yunho never snored…unless he was drugged. Jae smiled as he went through the dresser and grabbed a pair of his boxers and one of Yunho’s shirts. Jae took a long shower and then made it back to the bed where Yunho was sleeping quietly now.
When Jae got into the bed Yunho’s eyes fluttered open and he smiled sleepily at Jae, “Hi.”
“Hello.” Jae told him as he pulled the covers up over him.
“I love this bed.” Yunho told him as he patted the mattress, “It’s like sleeping on a cloud.”
Jae turned to face him and smiled, “It’s an air bed. I am spoiled to it myself now. The best hotels in the world can’t compare.”
“It’s nice. Let’s not fight tomorrow.” Yunho said suddenly, “I am tired of fighting.”
“Me too.” Jae told him as he scooted closer to him and wrapped his arm around him. “No, fighting tomorrow.”
“I think I got the good drugs.” Yunho said laying his head back on the pillow staring at the ceiling.
“I think you did too.” Jae agreed and tossed one of his legs across Yunho legs and his spare arm across Yunho’s chest.
“You are being extra clingy.” Yunho told him as Jae snuggled in tightly.
“Well I don’t want the good drugs to convince you that you can suddenly walk.” Jae told him not wavering from his spot.
“Walk...walk…walk.” Yunho mumbled as he drifted off back to sleep.
Jae awoke from a very pleasant dream with a hard slap to the leg and a very annoyed Yunho informing him to, “Stop humping my leg it’s doesn’t like you in that way.”
“Yunho…” Jae growled into Yunho’s arm…an arm he had apparently been licking or kissing in his sleep because it was all slobbery.
“What if poor Maggie walked in she might have a heart attack or something,” Yunho scolded pushing Jae away from him with his good arm.
“Stop it,” Jae said, sitting up annoyed and very hard.
“Me? You are the one who practically rapes me in my sleep,” Yunho told him as he tucked the blanket in around him as best he could to fend off the amorous man.
“I think you exaggerate,” Jae told him but he couldn’t help but feeling a little embarrassed.
“Really, I am not. It’s getting worse.”
“I know. I know. I will go take care of this problem now…unless you want to help me?” Jae asked hopefully.
“No!” Yunho snapped back at him.
“Can’t blame a severely sex deprived man for asking,” Jae said as he got out of the bed and was immediately greeted with a loud alarm. “Fucking shit! They turned on the damn bed alarm,” Jae cussed as he hurried to the end of the bed to flip off the alarm.
“Hey Soo Jin will soon be in here. I am sure she would be more than happy to help you with your problem,” Yunho told the man, pretending to be helpful.
“That’s not one damn bit funny,” Jae growled at Yunho as he headed for the door.
“Sorry couldn’t resist,” Yunho told him not bothering to suppress his laughter.
Jae hurried to the door and greeted Soo Jin and the other staff who had come running to the alarm. “It’s fine. I just had to get up and go to the bathroom. I set it off by accident. Please go back and do what you were doing. We are fine in here,” Jae told them putting his foot up against the door not letting them in.
“Are you sure?” Yunho could hear Soo Jin ask.
“More than sure. Thanks and bye,” Jae said shutting the door in their faces and locking it.
“Why did you lock the door?” Yunho asked suddenly very uneasy after hearing the door lock.
“I don’t know…hmmm lets think back. Why would I lock the door? What don’t I want anybody to see? I mean we have to think of Maggie’s health don’t we?” Yunho could barely make out Jae’s face in the moonlight lit room…but he could hear his hunger.
“You said you were going to take care of it?” Yunho yelped as Jae jumped back in the bed.
“But then you had to go and say the magic words,” Jae said smiling as he climbed over Yunho.
“No, no, no! I didn’t mean them though. I was being sarcastic so they don’t count. Jae, I am not……” His words were cut off as Jae’s mouth collided with his. Yunho obliged him with an open mouth kiss but the fire that burned all came from Jae.
Jae pulled back looking at Yunho sensing the lack of intensity in the other man. He waiting for a second but Yunho just looked back at him saying nothing. Jae bent back down this time kissing Yunho softly and gently on the lips and Yunho couldn’t help but respond. Those lips felt so nice he actually moaned, displeased when they slowly started moving down to his neck and away from his mouth. Yunho said nothing as Jae’s hands went to work unbuttoning his pajama shirt.
Yunho just stared up at the ceiling not moving his left arm as Jae kissed up and down his chest. Yunho waited to see if he could feel more, but it eluded him just out of his grasp. Jae slid a hand into the front of Yunho’s pants and Yunho flinched reaching for Jae’s hands to stop him. “Jae, just stop it. It isn’t working for me.”
“I don’t think so,” Jae mumbled as his tongue swirled around Yunho’s nipple sucking on it, while his hand continued on its path. Jae stopped suddenly and lifted his head up as the hand reaching for Yunho’s cock came upon an unfamiliar feeling fabric. “Is that…is that a diaper?”
Yunho turned his head to the side ashamed. “Yes.”
Jae reached up and turned Yunho’s head back to face him, “My love, that isn’t a problem for me…not at all. I need you so bad. You have no idea how much I want you.” Jae mouth latched back on to Yunho’s lips kissing passionately as his hand encircled Yunho’s limp cock and went to work trying to arouse it.
Jae had always been confident in his abilities but as the minutes passed and Yunho still did not respond, he grew frustrated and pulled away. “What the fuck!”
“Just calm down.”
“How can I calm down? You are impotent! How can you be calm?” Jae told him horrified at the latest results of another failed seduction.
“I am not impotent, Jae.” Yunho informed him calmly. “I told you that it’s emotional. I love you, but just not like this anymore.”
“That’s bullshit, Yunho. Even if you hated me, you should have some response. You are a man for God’s sake,” Jae informed him his frustration clearly showing in the barely lit room.
“Jae, we just don’t work like this anymore,” Yunho tried to explain as gently as he could.
“Did your dad send you to one of those camps…you know where they take the gay out of you?” Jae asked desperately grasping at straws.
“I bet if I used my mouth.” Jae said pulling the covers off Yunho and lowering his head. Yunho immediately swatted his head and pulled the covers back over him.
“Stop it. I hardly have any control over my bladder. There is a reason they puut me in this damn diaper…and I feel like I need to go now,” Yunho informed him his voice not hiding his shame.
Jae jerked his head back quick. “Well, I am going to pass on that blowjob then.”
“Where is it?” Yunho said reaching his left arm up and running it along the side rail of the bed.
“The thing I am suupposed to pee in,” Yunho told him the desperation spilling out of his mouth. “I am going to wet myself again.”
“You wet yourself?” Jae said jumping out of the bed and grabbing for something on the floor. “Here it is. I think they called it a urinal.”
Yunho immediately took it from him. “Thank yoouu, and yes I did. Horrible. My life is just fuull of wonderful suurprises,” Yunho said adjusting himself.
“Well, I was going to offer my assistance but you seem to be handling it,” Jae told Yunho as he flipped the light over the bed on.
“Do you mind?” Yunho asked him slightly annoyed but the relief of emptying his bladder overriding any other concern.
“Yes, I do. Why didn’t you tell me about your accident? You better not be keeping me in the dark because of some misplaced embarrassment,” Jae told him still watching the urinal fill with brightly colored yellow urine.
“Of course I was embarrassed stupid, I am embarrassed now,” Yunho admitted distressed that the other man was watching him so intently. He couldn’t help but feel like some kind of freak show.
“I am just waiting for it to spill all over the bed…because I didn’t know a bladder could hold that much. Didn’t that hurt like hell?” Jae asked as Yunho finally finished lifting the urinal up, it was almost filled to the top.
“Like I would ever admit that…they would stick one of those tubes in me again. That isn’t happening again, ever.”
Jae took the urinal from Yunho, much to Yunho’s complete mortification. “That’s over a liter of piss. Hell, I wouldn’t get turned on either if I had that rolling around in me.”
“This is not a conversation I ever want to have with anyone!” Yunho screamed at Jae as the other man went to the bathroom to empty the urinal.
Jae flushed the toilet and washed his hands, “What did I tell you about being embarrassed around me? I sexually assault you in your sleep and you pee in bed. No big deal.”
“Actually I did have control, so it is an improvement.” Yunho admitted as Jae climbed back in bed with him.
“Yes, I agree. We should celebrate. What do you say? We try again this time without you carrying a brick in your bladder? Jae said batting his eyes seductively at the other man as he straddled his hips.
“No. It’s psychological…not physical and we both know it. We should just be glad I am not having flashbacks like I did the first time you tried,” Yunho told him, reaching out and encircling Jae’s wrist with his left hand.
“If you know this why did you humor me earlier?” Jae asked sadly feeling unsatisfied and like a charity case.
“I think I did say no…you just ignored me. Kissing you isn’t unpleasant,” Yunho explained smiling up at the man.
“Isn’t unpleasant? Gee, thanks I think that might be the kindest words anybody has ever said to me,” Jae told him rolling his eyes.
“Normally I would say something apologetic but it would just lead to more awkwardness with us.”
“I am not used to being pitied,” Jae sighed as he started buttoning Yunho’s pajama shirt back up.
“Well I have lots of practice at being pitied, so I am here to offer advice,” Yunho told him smiling up at him bitter sweetly.
Jae smiled down at him. “You know my wanting you has nothing to do with pitying you right? It’s just how I am. I breathe, I have great hair, and I want you.”
“It’s a little twisted considering my condition but I know it’s sincere…it just isn’t returned.” Yunho told him and he found that he truly was sorry.
Jae finished buttoning up Yunho’s pajama shirt and laid back down beside him reaching an arm around him. “Least you are not glaring at me and cursing me so that’s an improvement I suppose.”
“I am pretty sure…almost positive that it will never change. You are going to have to accept that fact sooner or later. I can feel my body getting stronger. I won’t be tied to this bed much longer,” Yunho told him confident in the change he could feel coming over his body.
“Then you won’t need me? Is that what you are trying to tell me?” Jae asked quietly as he reached up and turned the over bed light off.
“That’s not what I am saying at all. I don’t ever want it to be like it was before I got shot, but we have to learn to be friends in the real world. This isn’t the real world. This is some other place entirely and you can’t just…” Yunho stopped not sure of how he could continue without sounded ungrateful.
“Give up my life to be by your side?”
“Yes, I am not sure what life I will lead or will be even capable of living when I leave this place, but I think we both know it won’t be anything like yours.”
“There isn’t anything I wouldn’t give up to be with you…even just like we are now. Nothing,” Jae told him firmly tightening his arm around the other man.
“Someday my wounded pride that is hidden away and my love for you will have a final battle with this selfish part of me that keeps you tied to me and I won’t let you waste your dreams for me,” Yunho confessed sounding horribly guilty.
“My biggest dream is always to be with you, but we will have this fight another day,” Jae whispered into Yunho’s ear and they were both soon back to sleep.
“You know, I have eight sisters, so if I come off a little feminine at times they are to blame,” Jae told Mrs. Ryu, who he sat next to in the exercise room waiting while Bill worked Yunho over and over again.
Mrs. Ryu turned to the persistent young man who had basically stalked her for the last two weeks. “I know. You have told me…repeatedly.”
“Well it’s very important that you don’t think things that you shouldn’t think,” Jae told her beaming.
Mrs. Ryu frowned and her eyes narrowed. “I am eighty years old. I think I know what I can think.”
“But you don’t look a day over sixty,” Jae told her smiling but his eyes kept darting back to Yunho, who they had taken out of his walking sling.
“Young Mi has a walker are they going to advance him to a walker already?” Mrs. Ryu asked unable to hide her excitement as she watched Yunho instead of her husband.
Jae jumped up suddenly. “I…I got…I should be filming this,” Jae said frantically as he patted his pockets. “Fuck, my phone is in the room.”
“Language!” Mrs. Ryu chastised as she held her phone up for him.
“Thanks!” Jae said grabbing the phone and flying off toward Yunho and the therapists.
“Yunho it’s important that you don’t try to walk. This is about standing, standing on your own two feet without anybody else’s help. Standing!” Bill said excitedly as he held his hands up with his fist clenched.
“You have to clench your right hand to the bars and make it help your left side. You can do this,” Young Mi instructed as she sat the walker in front of Yunho.
“I can do this,” Yunho said, taking a deep breath and eyeing the walker determinedly.
“You can,” Mr. Ryu said with a big smile. He was sitting on an exercise bike close by.
“I am filming this for prosperity,” Jae said as he came to stand by Mr. Ryu holding the phone up filming.
“Put your hands on the walker like this,” Bill instructed and Yunho placed his hands on the walker. “Clench them tightly.”
“That right arm amazes me. It went from doing nothing to whacking me the other day,” Jae said smiling like mad.
“You probably deserved it,” Mrs. Ryu told him as she walked up to stand beside him.
“Probably,” Mr. Ryu agreed all smiles as he waited eagerly for the moment Yunho found his feet again.
“He did,” Yunho told the elderly couple as he cast them a warm smile.
“No more teaming up against Mr. Kim…are you ready?” Bill asked Yunho seriously as he stood beside him and Young Mi stood on the opposite side. “Don’t be afraid of falling we are here to catch you.”
“We are in luck because I have never been afraid of falling,” Yunho told them as he stood up for the first time in a year.
“Now, steady yourself,” Bill told him as he placed a hand to his back. “Good Job.”
“Okaay,” Yunho said, trying to steady his shaking legs as he clung tightly to the walker.
“Yunho,” Jae whispered lovingly as he filmed. his own body shaking too.
“This is wonderful,” Mr. Ryu said, clapping for the young man.
Mrs. Ryu, who was misty eyed told them, “I remember the day that you took that bullet for that boy and how they said you had no hope. There is always hope, always.”
“Do we need to sit…?”
“No!” Yunho interrupted Bill quickly. The feel of his legs underneath him was without doubt the most wonderful feeling in the world. He would walk again and that day was getting so much closer.
“I am going to sit down for him,” Jae said sitting down on the floor. Jae was starting to feel conflicted. He was so happy to see Yunho standing, but he knew their days here were numbered now. The last two weeks had flown by and Yunho’s strength was coming back in spades. He had watched as old muscles had reformed in Yunho’s left arm and leg. He had watched a lifeless right side spring to life.
“Jae,” Yunho called, making Jae instantly abandon his inner thoughts and turn his focus back to Yunho. “Thank you, you are good friend.”
Jae stopped filming and stared at Yunho captivated by the man’s endless strength. “I try, I really do.”
Mrs. Ryu reached down and squeezed Jae’s shoulder. “It’s because you were properly trained by eight sisters no doubt.”