Genre: AU, Friendship, Romance, Drama
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I own nothing and know even less. This story is a stand alone, but it does take place in the TFAN universe where Yunho played a crucial role.
Big HUGE thanks to Amy(one of my most favorite people ever)!!! Also a big thanks to everybody who takes the time to comment! I can't thank the people who comment enough!
Summary: On a cold winter’s day he cast their love away for the sake of his family. The following autumn an act of vengeance left their love beyond the reaches of forgiveness. Two summers later a fan’s anger and the ultimate act of self-sacrifice would redefine everything they knew about love, selfishness, and forgiveness.
Also I am not sure if I will continue updating this to some of the LJ communities.
Yunho awoke to the feel of sunshine against his face. He kept his eyes closed smiling as he thought of what Jae had told him the night before. He couldn’t help but feel a burst of pride. Jae might have been with a bunch of guys, but he was the only one that had known that sweet tight…
“What you thinking about?” Yunho opened his eyes quickly to find Jae hovering over the bedside looking down at him.
‘Irrr…walking. Bill said that I get to take my first step today.” Yunho lied sitting up in bed. “Stop looking at me like that, it’s creeping me out.”
“No, I like to look. Friends can look. I got to get all my looking in because I will soon be gone.” Jae told him frowning as he reached out to tuck Yunho’s hair behind his ear.
“You could just stay with me forever.” Yunho said feeling devilish imagining Yoochun and Junsu responses if Jae cancelled the
“Deal!” Jae said smiling down at him. “So are you going to be my sugar daddy? Well minus the sugar I suppose.
Yunho laughed nervously, “Joking! I am a poor, brain damaged SM employee. I couldn’t keep you up in the style that you are accustomed to.”
“Small room, one bed, and you I don’t require much. It shouldn’t be any problem.” Jae bent down and whispered in his ear.
Yunho pulled away, “What happened to respecting my boundaries? You know the friends stuff?”
“Oh, yeah that. I am still respecting it. I did sleep in the chair after all. I just wanted to make it clear now that my sexual desires have been clearly stated that you haven’t changed your mind; since you no longer feel the need to protect your rectum from illegal entry. I want you to know that I am fully supportive of your right to change your mind.”
“Do you? That’s so surprising.” Yunho told him sarcastically as he pushed his covers off.
“Totally. You should know if you change your mind there would most likely be moaning and lots of enthusiasm.” Jae said licking his lips in anticipation.
Yunho’s embarrassment from the night before was gone as he raised his eyebrows and told Jae, “But my penis doesn’t like you anymore.”
“But I love it.” Jae told him sadly as he placed his hands over his heart and puckered his lips.
“Friends Jae, Friends. Friends don’t love other friends…” Yunho stopped as there was knock on the door. “Come in.”
“Morning,” Maggie told them as she walked in with her duster.
“Morning.” Jae yawned as he sat back down in the recliner.
“Good Morning, Maggie!” Yunho said happily. “How are you today?”
Maggie eyed the recliner where Jae sat covering himself up with his blanket. “I am fine this lovely morning. Handsome, you’re looking awfully chirpy this morning did you finally figure out that bed wasn’t meant for two grown men?”
Jae mouth dropped open shocked at her gall while Yunho just agreed, “Yes, I did. It feels good to be able to move around. I can actually turn from side to side and sit up easily now.”
“It’s not like I am some huge person. I bet if we were the same height and we weighed I would weigh less then you.” Jae told her offended.
“You are getting scrawnier I will give you that.” Maggie said as she started dusting the awards and pictures in the room.
“No, no…no. It’s slender not scrawny.” Jae sat up correcting her with a snotty look.
“Jae, don’t make me get up and spank you.” Yunho warned he could not tolerate Jae getting an attitude with the elderly housekeeper.
Jae just winked at him and said, “Promises, promises.”
Yunho’s mouth dropped opened appalled as he looked at Maggie who had her back to them going through her housekeeping cart at the doorway and back to Jae. “She didn’t hear me. She is like a hundred years old and deaf.” Jae told him loving the scandalized look on Yunho’s face.
“You are so mean!” Yunho told him shaking his head in disapproval.
“You are cranky this morning do you need to pee?” Jae asked Yunho pointing at his jug that hung off the bedrail.
“That’s my cue to leave.” Maggie said in the same spot where she had been earlier. She turned around winked at Jae and closed the door behind her.
“Bad hearing my ass.” Yunho told Jae throwing a pillow at him.
Yunho was fretting if he could have climbed the walls he would have. Bill had been very authoritarian with him today and made him go through all his regular physical therapy routines refusing to allow him to attempt to take a step until he had completed them. He was in his room eating his lunch waiting very impatiently for them to come and get him for his second round of physical therapy.
“If you don’t eat they are just going to nag you.” Jae warned from the bed where he was sprawled out watching TV. He was eating a bag of chips he had conned off one of the nurses.
“I would rather have chips.” Yunho said eyeing Jae’s bag of chips. Jae’s food always looked better to him.
Jae rolled over to the side of the bed and stretched out and handed Yunho a handful of chips that he took eagerly. “Your lunch looks nice. It’s rice…and stuff.”
“It looks so nice that you immediately handed yours back to the kitchen lady and went and confiscated chips off some unsuspecting soul.” Yunho said as he eyed his dish with disdain.
“I can eat unhealthy. I remember how to walk.” Jae told him with a big smile as he turned to face him.
“So not funny.” Yunho grumbled as he sipped on his protein shake and tried to separate the rice from the unidentified sauce coating it.
“Oh look SM stocks are up are you sure you don’t want to be my sugarless daddy?” Jae said pointing at the television.
Yunho frowned at him, “Like I get any of it.”
Jae turned back to Yunho this time with his brows furrowed, “My love, you do get some of that money.”
“You have to stop calling me that.” Yunho said annoyed as he looked at the open door to their room making sure nobody was eavesdropping, “What if somebody heard you? If SM paid so well why were you so eager to leave?”
Jae now sat up on the bedside looking very concerned. “Yunho, are you joking with me or do you not remember?”
“When you got shot what were you doing that day?” Jae asked coming to kneel down beside Yunho now.
Yunho grimaced, “Hardly something I want to talk about.”
“I know but humor me, please.”
Yunho rolled his eyes at Jae, “I was getting on to Changmin for his article and defending you…imagine that. Why do you ask?”
“What event were you at?” Jae asked resting a hand on Yunho’s knee. The blank stare on Yunho’s face told him all he needed to know. “SM was rewarding you and Changmin with stocks for your loyalty. Don’t you remember?”
Yunho concentrated for what seemed like forever to Jae and finally answered, “I remember now but I had completely forgotten.”
Jae reached up and squeezed his arm, “It’s okay you have an excuse.”
“I have lots of money now, wow. I have never really had lots of money before. I can go places…well as soon as I relearn the whole walking thing.” Yunho said smiling at the thought.
“They weren’t that generous don’t go planning a world trip.” Jae told him not the least bit impressed with SM’s gift.
“But it’s more than I ever had before. Vegas here I come.” Yunho said with a smile that spread from one side of his face to the other.
“I love Vegas.” Jae told him as he got back up and sat back on the bed. “You should take me with you for all my heartfelt dedication.”
“I don’t think so. You never took me with you.” Yunho pointed out as he slurped the last of his protein shake down.
“You would not have come if I had asked.” Jae pointed out looking amused.
“So not the point.” Yunho informed him.
“But I knew….” Jae was interrupted when a middle aged well built man in grey workout clothes passed by their open door and stopped. “Hey Yunho, looking good. Looking fantastic. Bill tells me today is the big day.”
Yunho looked at the stranger and smiled, “Yes, and I wish he would hurry up!”
“Jae, I haven’t seen you in the gym lately. You know just because this guy has moved up in the world doesn’t mean the gym isn’t still always open to you.” The man said as he turned his focus to Jae.
“Mun-Hee, that’s really nice of you, but he keeps me pretty busy.” Jae explained to the other man.
“Well you need to find time to workout your muscles are really losing their definition. I hope to see you in the gym soon.” He told Jae then turned to Yunho, “And I hope to see you walking soon.”
“I will be.” Yunho told him confidently.
“Well I got to go. Nice talking to you two.” Mun-Hee told them as he left the room.
Yunho immediately turned to Jae and asked fearfully, “Who was that? Should I know him?”
“No, no, no…you were still…not with it when he knew you. He was your physical therapist when all they did was move your legs and arms around without your cooperation.” Jae said quickly easing Yunho’s fears.
“Oh, good.” Yunho sighed in relief, but his eyes immediately became mischievous. “So Jae you are not working out anymore?”
Jae eyed him suspiciously, “I barely go to the bathroom without you, so how exactly would I work out?”
“An hour in the day is not going to kill anybody.” Yunho said smiling like he knew a secret.
“What if they lose you? I can’t risk it.” Jae asked chewing on the side of his cheek.
“They wouldn’t lose me or you could take me with you. You have watched me enough. I could go after dinner it’s the least I owe you.” Yunho said full of fake consideration.
Jae frowned and leaned back on the bed with his elbows, “Just say it.”
“You are letting your muscles fade away because I said I didn’t like them.” Yunho blurted out quickly with a triumphant grin.
“That would be correct.” Jae just confessed without beating around the bush.
“That is so retarded. As a friend it shouldn’t matter what I think of your muscles. It only matters what you think.” Yunho informed Jae looking very disapproving.
“We might be only friends...but of all my friends and I do mean all. It’s your opinion that means the most to me, so why not honor it?”
“Because you are honoring an opinion of the past when my penis still liked you and it doesn’t now. So it doesn’t matter that you’re losing your muscles and returning to your smooth, slender self. It doesn’t matter that your complexion has returned to perfection, and that your hair is growing out so shiny, dark and soft and that you look so...” Yunho paused suddenly realizing how he must sound.
“Are you sure it doesn’t like me?” Jae asked running a hand through his own hair loving the very embarrassed look on Yunho’s face.
“So can I take a step now?” Yunho asked impatiently. The physical therapists had him standing between parallel bars. Yunho was feeling super confident as he held himself up without assistance.
“Patience, Yunho.” Bill said studying Yunho’s foot placement.
“I don’t have any left. I can’t stay in bed or in the chair anymore…I have to walk.” Yunho pleaded trying to make them understand.
“You have been a peach but the hard work is just beginning. You are not to get discouraged do you hear me? No matter what happens.” Bill said as he stood up to face Yunho.
“Absolutely not. I am going to walk.” Yunho told him without a second’s doubt.
“And you.” Bill said turning around and pointing to Jae who was at his designated area leaning against the wall at the far side of the room. “Are not to move, no matter what happens do you understand me?”
“I am not going to move.” Jae told him holding up his hands still resentful that Bill had forbid a camera.
“Remember that.” Young Mi told Jae from the other side of Yunho. She seemed to doubt that Jae would be able to keep his distance.
“Can we go now?” Yunho demanded, as much as he hated to admit it his right hand was starting to feel weaker from holding him up.
“Okay, now I want you to take your first step with your right foot. One step at a time. Keep your left foot planted firmly.” Bill told him.
Yunho immediately moved his right foot and set it down. He sighed in relief…his first step in over a year. He turned to look at Jae who held up a fist and mouthed fighting to him. Yunho smiled and turned back to Bill. “Do I have permission to move the left foot?”
“You do, try your best to plant the right foot…” Bills words were not even out before Yunho lifted his left foot up to take a step and immediately fell down.
Jae was immediately off the wall and up to the parallel bars where Young Mi turned to glare at him and reached out her arm to stop him. Jae stopped when he noticed the very unsurprised looks on both Bill and Young Mi’s faces.
Yunho sat on the padded floor biting his lips not looking at anybody till Bill called for him. “Yunho, you have fallen now what do you do?”
Yunho tilted his head up to look at Bill’s questioning face, “I pull myself back up again and try again.”
“Good man.” Bill told him as Yunho reached up for the bar and pulled himself up with left hand. “The mistake is remembering how you used to move. I have seen the videos of how you used to move and those days over. You have to relearn everything you knew and you are going to fall…a lot.”
“Okay, then I will just have to fall. I will do anything to walk again, anything.” Yunho said full of hope even as his illusions of a quick return to walking faded away.
“There will be days that you won’t even feel like getting out of bed. You are going to be bruised and battered…”
“Bruised and battered? Really? I am not sure I like this.” Jae said interrupting Bill.
“Jae…” Yunho warned softly. “Small price to pay.”
“I don’t like the thought of you being bruised and battered. Can’t we wait a week till I return for the bruising and battering to begin?”
“No!” Yunho replied instantly giving Jae a disbelieving look.
“Yunho’s right. We can’t slow down now. The reward will be worth it. Now go back to the wall and do not move or you are going to have to step out.” Bill told Jae.
“I don’t like it! I don’t like it one bit!” Jae was growling as he paced behind Yunho wearing a tank top and shorts. He had awakened Yunho who had fallen asleep leaning against the side of the whirlpool.
“Jae, let it go.” Yunho ordered, as he rotated his neck trying to get the kinks out of it.
“They threw me out of the room. I used to like Bill and that bitch Young Mi can kiss my ass.” Jae continued to pace miffed at the physical therapists.
“Jae, if you had listened to them and let me fell with some grace instead of going overprotective momma bear on them…then you could have stayed like a big boy.” Yunho told him rubbing his neck.
“Yunho, I can’t possibly leave you.” Jae said sitting down on the whirlpool ledge straddling a leg on each side of Yunho.
“Not a good idea...” Yunho said moving away from the edge quick but stopped when Jae reached out placing both of his hands on Yunho’s shoulders and started to massage him.
“They are intent on abusing you, and you never complain when you are abused. I think you like being abused.” Jae said as he continued to massage Yunho shoulders and neck.
Yunho found himself scooting back against Jae who continued to massage him. “I don’t like to be abused.”
“Years of close observation prove otherwise,” Jae disagreed as his hand moved down to massage the tense muscles of Yunho’s back.
“I don’t. I can take it, especially if it means walking again. I can take anything.” Yunho told him as he closed his eyes trying his best not to over think his way out of Jae’s soothing hands.
“I am just going to have to stay. I can’t leave you at this point…it’s too important of a time. The nurses…Bong Cha herself said you don’t do well when I am gone. So I will just have to stay. Paris will just have to live on without me.”
Yunho snapped his eyes open. Jae’s hands were putting him back to sleep quickly. “No, no, no. It’s been a month I am much better now. I will be fine.”
Jae hands stopped massaging Yunho and pulled him closer wrapping both arms around his neck, “You don’t need me anymore. Is that what you are trying to tell me?”
“Jae, stop it. You are going to get wet.” Yunho told him but made no effort to move away.
“I will change clothes then no biggie. You didn’t answer my question. Do you not need me?” Jae reminded him still clinging to his neck.
“I don’t know how to answer you. Is it need or want? I am not sure but I do know that when you come back I will be happy to see you.” Yunho told him super aware of Jae’s leg that had maneuvered itself close to his groin.
“I like that answer.” Jae smiled into Yunho’s neck and lowered his foot.
Yunho fought the urge to jump and was very grateful that Hana had let him keep his boxers on when she helped him into the whirlpool earlier. “If you are looking for a response Jae you aren’t going to find one.”
Jae jerked away instantly as the other man called him on his intent. “How is that possible?”
“Friends! We are friends. If Changmin massaged me or if any of my other male friends massaged me I wouldn’t respond either.” Yunho said pulling his hands up to rub his temples.
Jae frowned at Yunho’s words, “I am not just one of your other male friends I was your lover for years. I know how you work and you should be working.”
“Jae, what happened to respecting other person’s boundaries? If I was still attracted to you would I be able to hide it from you? We have slept together for weeks, you dress me, and you intrude on my baths. Do you think I could hide it?”
“No, but I just don’t understand...what about your female friends?” Jae asked suddenly remembering the exact wording of Yunho’s words.
“Why do you insist on asking me questions that will only end up upsetting you?” Yunho asked sadly as he stopped rubbing his temples.
Jae couldn’t help frowning as he looked around the room at a lost, “How? How is that even possible? How do you go from gay to straight?”
“I didn’t go from gay to straight. I went from straight to you to straight again.” Yunho pointed out getting ready for a nasty fight he was not in the mood for.
Instead of the tongue lashing Yunho was expecting Jae just pulled him back to him and started massaging his shoulders again. “I am changing the subject, because you are tense enough without me adding to your problems.” Jae told him working a rather large kink out of Yunho’s back.
Yunho blinked happily surprised. “Thank you.”
“I am not leaving though. I am just going to have to cancel the Paris trip. They can have the concert without me.”
“You know that I have no love for your stupid group, your members, or the criminals you work with, so the selfish part of me is tempted to keep you with me but no. You have to go. I will be fine.” Yunho said sinking deeper into Jae.
“I like the selfish part of you. So send the good part away and let me talk to him.” Jae told Yunho amused not the least bit offended at Yunho for is derogatory remarks regarding his group or the people he associated with.
“No, I am trying to control him better.” Yunho told Jae sounding very sleepy.
“You are so tired, and you are going to have bruises and yet you will do it all again tomorrow. I can’t leave you like this. I just can’t. I love you too much.” Jae said bending down and breathing in the scent of Yunho’s hair.
“Please, just go. A week is nothing a week will fly bye. You owe your fans a week.” Yunho told him trying to reason with him. Yunho was still ashamed of his behavior the night before and was doing his best to be better.
“A week away from you is like a year to me.” Jae said lifting his head up continuing to massage Yunho.
“You said Junsu and Yoochun are your friends, your brothers, your members, so you owe them. Keep your promises Jae. A man is only as good as his word.” Yunho smiled thinking he sounded very wise when Jae whacked him gently on the head.
“Could you sound anymore like your father?” Jae asked full of scorn and to Yunho’s supreme disappointment stopped massaging him. Jae then pushed Yunho away from the edge of the whirlpool.
“Awe,” Yunho whimpered. “Don’t be mean to me. Don’t stop…it felt nice.”
“Do you want me to be nice, Yunho?” Jae asked as he slipped into the water and pulled Yunho tightly against his chest.
Yunho automatically started to tense up, “Jae, this isn’t…”
“Isn’t smart? Isn’t a good idea?” Jae whispered in Yunho’s ear he made sure to flick in just enough tongue to make Yunho dizzy. “I thought you wanted me to make you feel good.”
“Anybody could walk in.” Yunho started to protest but Jae’s hands were on his shoulders massaging him again and he cursed his brain for suddenly malfunctioning.
“They could any minute. Maybe it would be your sweet little Hana…she’d have good dreams tonight wouldn’t she? Sweet Yunjae dreams for her and maybe not only dreams; perhaps she would even…”
“Don’t.” Yunho said shaking his head. He knew that he should demand Jae get up this minute but the longer he kept from saying the words the farther they got away from.
“I’ll be good.” Jae said as he slipped a hand to Yunho’s abdomen and started rubbing circles in it. “I can help you, Yunho. I know it’s been a long time and you can’t escape to cold showers. Someone always has an eye on you. Do you want me to help you?”
Yunho’s eyes went wide instantly knowing exactly what Jae meant, “Not a good idea.”
Jae bent forward and whispered in Yunho’s ear again, “Not just for you. I will leave tomorrow without a fight, but you owe me this. Think of it as your way of thanking me.”
“What do you mean…?” Yunho’s mind went blank as Jae started to kiss his neck as he continued to rub soothing, circles on his belly.
“Just my hand and you can even imagine it is somebody else’s hand…a woman’s hand. It won’t mean anything at all. I will have no delusions about us. I want to help you with this tension. Making you happy makes me happy.” Jae whispered seductively into Yunho’s ear working a perfect spell over the other man.
Yunho leaned his neck back to give Jae better access to it and closed his eyes as Jae’s hand on his stomach slipped down inside his boxers. He knew he had made the wrong choice the minute he didn’t insist that Jae get out of the whirlpool, but at one time he had been extremely sexual and he missed it.
The moments passed and Jae had used every trick he knew and still the cock in his hands refused to respond to him. Yunho just leaned back into Jae his eyes closed as unwanted visions flashed in his mind’s eye diluting all his other senses. “Can yoouu stop now?”
Jae jerked his hand away quickly and wrapped both arms around Yunho’s waist. “Shhh…no getting upset. Just a failed experiment among friends.”
“I’m not uupset.” Yunho told him as the other man rested his chin on his shoulder, but the return of his speech impairment proved otherwise.
“I think it might be your medicine some of it has side effects. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” Jae told him still holding him tightly against him.
“It’s yoouu. It isn’t my medicine. How many times do I have to explain this to yoouu. I am not being mean…it’s juust the truuth.” Yunho told him reaching up and caressing Jae’s arms that were wrapped around him.
“How can you know that? It isn’t like you can sneak off to masturbate.” Jae asked bluntly.
“No, I can’t ruun off and mastuurbate becauuse I never get a moment alone.”
“You can around me…I would understand.” Jae offered while trying not to sound too excited at the possibility.
“No, yoouu are too eager to offer yoouur assistance which tuurns me off.” Yunho told him straight out.
“I could leave the room I suppose.” Jae said slightly offended. “Have you even been hard? I have done a lot of checking and I haven’t found it to be even remotely firm.”
Yunho’s eyes narrowed and he ruthlessly told him, “Yes, I have been buut then I realize who is sleeping beside me, and it’s like freezing water is poouured on me.
“No, need to be mean.” Jae said standing up suddenly. “I just asked an innocent question.
Yunho braced himself with his arms as he continued to sit in the whirlpool and told Jae in an anguished voice, “I don’t want to be mean to yoouu. I really don’t. I know yoouu are leaving tomorrow and I don’t want to fight with yoouu. I just don’t know how to make yoouu uunderstand. I think that if I let yoouu try and yoouu see that it doesn’t work between uus anymore that yoouu will give uup…buut yoouu never do. I hate this awkwardness between uus, buut Jae there isn’t attraction anymore on my part. If yoouu are hanging aroouund in the hopes that it will be like it was before…then juust go now. Save the both of uus a lot of needless heartache.”
Jae took a deep breath and collected the emotions that were running rampage in him, “No, I won’t leave. It’s not that I am lying when I say I am going to respect your boundaries and then I try stuff like jerking you off in the whirlpool…I can’t just help myself sometimes.”
“That’s bullshit.” Yunho told him suddenly with great annoyance. “You knew exactly what you were doing. You know how to push my buttons.”
“And you know when I am pushing your buttons and still you let me.” Jae threw back at him placing his hands on his hips looking down at the man still sitting in the water.
“It isn’t my fault! I am a massage whore, and you were playing to my weaknesses!” Yunho told him trying to sound defenseless.
“Just…you let me…Grrr! Let’s just get you out of the water.” Jae said walking over to Yunho and pulling him up.
“Why can’t we wait on the nurses?” Yunho asked as Jae pulled him out of the water and sat him on the side of the whirlpool.
“Because I have something I have to take care of and you might drown if I leave you in the water. Even if you drive me completely insane I wouldn’t want you to drown.” Jae said grabbing a towel covering Yunho with it then taking one and wrapping it around his own waist. Jae then handed Yunho the emergency call light for the nurse.
“Well I am calling them right now because I am tired.” Yunho told him giving Jae an amused look knowing exactly what he needed to take care of.
“I will see you soon.” Jae said walking out of the room.