Damaged, Chapter Thirty One

Title: Damaged
Author: aquariuslover
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: R
Genre: Future AU, Drama, Angst

Summary: On a cold winter’s day he cast their love away for the sake of his family. The following autumn an act of vengeance left their love beyond the reaches of forgiveness. Two summers later a fan’s anger and the ultimate act of self-sacrifice would redefine everything they knew about love, pride, selfishness, and forgiveness.

Forgive me for not responding to the comments in Chapter 30, but I promised Kinmotsu if I ever got five pages of comments I would update instantly….so here it is.

This chapter is much shorter than most, but I will make it up to you in Chapter 32.

Special thanks to Amy for her wonderful guidance and Kinmotsu for her support. Also thanks to all the commenters! This update is for you, like all my updates.

Previous Chapters

Yunho felt the cane fall away as time seemed to slow as he looked into the face of the man he had once called brother. The constant control he used to maintain his right side slipped away and he found himself leaning, but before he could fall into the doorway Junsu reached out a hand and steadied him.

Junsu just stared back at him, his eyes misty and his mouth open but unable to say another word. Yunho did not pull away from the hand that steadied him while he willed his body to come back under his control. He just stared back at Junsu shocked and amazed…and another old feeling returned to him. Something deeply hidden under years of anger and misunderstanding, something he had touched upon once in a frozen creek bed while he laid dying, something old and precious and something he thought forever lost to him.

“Junsu?” Yunho managed to say before he engulfed the other man in a hug. Junsu hugged him back tightly and soon they were both crying together as old feelings washed over them. They cried for all the things that had been lost to them…their shared dreams, their brotherhood, and for time they could never get back.

“Yunho, I have missed you so much,” Junsu told him, clinging to him tighter than he had ever clung to him in the past. “I just couldn’t stay away anymore. I had to see you. I am so sorry for everything that happened to you.” Junsu’s words were barely understandable through his sobs.

“I missed yoouu too,” Yunho told him, realizing suddenly how true those words were. He had been missing Junsu for years. Yunho tried to pull away but Junsu’s grip did not lessen, causing Yunho to smile through his tears. “Junsu, let’s sit down.”
“Oh, okay,” Junsu said, pulling away but keeping a hand on Yunho to steady him.

“Can yoouu get me my cane?” Yunho asked, still trying to steady himself as the strong emotions knocked him off balance in more ways than one.
“Yes, of course,” Junsu said, bending down quickly and handing Yunho his cane.

“Thanks…normally I am not so unsteady. I’m just really shocked,” Yunho told Junsu, as he motioned him toward the porch swing.

Junsu stood by closely as Yunho made it toward the swing. “Sorry about that, but I didn’t have any other choice. I have tried everything to see you but nobody near you was allowing it, especially Jae.”

Yunho sat down on the swing and looked up at Junsu. “Jae doesn’t know yoouu are here?”

“No, he would go all kinds of crazy on me if he knew I was here,” Junsu said, taking the seat next to Yunho.

“But he told yoouu where we were staying?”

Junsu looked extremely guilty. “No, I had somebody put something on his car so I could track him.”

Yunho’s eyebrows rose instantly in surprise. “Wow…how long have yoouu been…”

“Just recently…I never did it before but I had to see you. I figured this would be my best chance. I knew he took you from your dad’s and had you hidden out somewhere. So I arranged for the lawyers to demand he come and sign something at the office so that’s when I had the tracker put on his car. I flew back from America yesterday and I was behind the meeting today too…so I could get him away so I could see you,” Junsu confessed everything as he watched Yunho’s shocked face.

“That’s a little extreme…”

“No, it isn’t. What’s extreme is the fact that we haven’t spoken together in over three years…that’s a horrible wrong. I couldn’t let that go on any longer…nothing that came between us was worth that,” Junsu explained, as he clasped his hands together.

“Many things came between us,” Yunho told him, looking away from Junsu as the weight of their painful past returned to him.

“I know…I really thought I hated you for a really long time, but then you were shot and I knew the opposite was true,” Junsu told Yunho, still staring at him.

“Junsu…” Yunho stopped, not knowing what to say.

“When you were shot I did everything I could to see you, but I still failed. Your father sent me a message through Eunhyuk…‘That all chances for forgiveness were forever lost.’ I believed that for so long…it haunted me. I don’t want to believe that anymore. I am here to make sure that isn’t true.”

“Junsu, I don’t know what to tell yoouu…” Yunho stopped as his phone rang and looked up at Junsu as he answered it. “I’m fine…on the porch…no, it feels nice…I like the rain…I am fine…me too…what...I return that love…just being funny…bye.”
Junsu raised an eyebrow. “Are you two…together again?”
“Not at the moment…but who knows what the future holds. I just had to be careful on the phone because my speech impairment is back and I coouuldn’t let that slip with Jae. He would know something was up,” Yunho explained uncomfortably, not sure why he didn’t just answer no to Junsu’s question.

“Oh, that…so it comes and goes?” Junsu asked, he had been trying is best not to notice the speech impairment.

“Yes, it comes and goes. It is getting rarer and rarer all the time. Certain emotions and just being tired can bring it on,” Yunho quickly explained, as Jiji jumped into his lap.

Junsu watched with fond eyes as Yunho lavished the feline with love. “You were always so good with animals. That cat is famous for hating everybody…even Jae.”

“Especially Jae from what I have observed,” Yunho said, as he rubbed underneath Jiji’s chin.

Junsu started to laugh. “How freaking crazy is it that the cat loves you…like master, like pet.”

Yunho tensed. “Perhaps we shouldn’t discuss Jae.”

“I think we should discuss him and everything else and just get it out in the open. Not talking didn’t do us any favors,” Junsu insisted, taking a deep breath ready to let it all out.

“You said you hated me before the accident…now that I am no longer a vegetable what if those feelings return?” Yunho asked, his speech recovered as a small amount of irritation crept into his voice.

“That won’t happen. When I hated you…or when I thought I hated you I wasn’t myself. I was somebody else. I mean I was angry at you because I thought you ruined everything. If you had just gone with us then Changmin would have too…and nothing would have been lost. We would still have our perfect song.”

Yunho’s eyes narrowed, feeling defensive. “And if you had stayed nothing would have been lost.”

“Just our souls,” Junsu told Yunho, trying to make him understand what staying with SM would have cost him.

“Do you doubt that Changmin or I have souls? Is that…”

“No! That isn’t what I am saying. I’m trying to make you understand what I felt back then. We felt like we were trapped, all our hard work benefiting others instead of our families. What we wanted most was to have more options…more power over our lives.”

“So you are speaking for everybody now? I know for a certainty that what Jae wanted most was to hurt me and thanks to you he did an amazing job of that,” Yunho spit out at Junsu venomously, causing the other man to jump out of the swing.

“Hyung! I am…”

“You are what? Sorry? You had known me the longest. You may have hated me but you knew why I did what I did. You know the codes I live by. You know it was never done to intentionally hurt you or anybody else. You wanted to make me suffer…”

“No! That was Jae! I didn’t know…”

“Bullshit! From the moment I ended it with Jae the poison was already being sowed. The constant meetings with the company…you and Yoochun were going in one direction and Changmin and I in the other, and once I broke Jae’s heart you saw easy prey.”

Junsu blinked. “You are the one who broke his heart. If you think he was anybody’s prey than you…”

“I know he isn’t innocent but I also know you aren’t either. The game you two started playing the minute you became roommates was on both of you. Jae was crazy enough to believe that I didn’t love him…but you…you knew better.”

Junsu swallowed down the defense that was about to spring from his lips and stared Yunho in the eye. “I did know better, but I knew we could not stay with SM…and having Jae with us would only make us stronger. My mother suggested that I make myself available to Jae. She stressed that it would only benefit us.”

Yunho’s mouth dropped open as he leaned back against the swing. “She prostituted you? You are not even gay…or you weren’t!”

“No, I had no intention of ever sleeping with him. He just needed an outlet to drive you crazy so I let him touch me more than usual. I listened to his endless compliments…Junsu you are the best singer, Junsu you are the real star, Junsu you are the best dancer, Junsu you are the star of Korea, Junsu everybody loves you, and you should be our leader…your soul is so true. I listened to all of it. I knew what he was doing and I let him do it. I also fed his insecurity when it came to you. I thought I was playing him, but I was so wrong,” Junsu confessed all of this to Yunho while never looking away from him as he shared his ugly truth.

“Junsu, you were playing with fire.”

“I know that now! I thought all the years of experience with him would help me but in the end I was defenceless as any of his other admirers. He’s addicting and seductive,” Junsu admitted, as he sat back down by Yunho.

“I don’t want to hear this,” Yunho said, suddenly feeling extremely uncomfortable and wished like mad he was anywhere else.

“I know…and it’s like my shame and I don’t like talking about it either, but I want you to understand.”

“I really…really don’t want to understand.”

“I am a straight man, but the next thing I know he is all I can think about.”

“Junsu…” Yunho said, looking away from the other man.

“I think you were always straight too…but there is something about him that is gender proof. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you because he at least loves you,” Junsu said, moving his hands as if he was finding it hard to find words to describe how Jae has the ability to attract straight men.
“He loves you too.”

Junsu laughed. “No, not like that. He never found me attractive, it was just his plan to put the screws to you. He toyed with me…he wanted me to be willing when his plan fell in place.”

“It’s a damn shame I can’t drink alcohol anymore because I really need a drink right now.”

Junsu gave Yunho a look of sympathy. “Speaking of alcohol, I was totally drunk when he and Yoochun did that to you and they did it to me too. I mean I would have had sex with him earlier, but I wasn’t too keen on being the…the receiver if you know what I mean.”

Yunho covered his hands with his face. “This has to be a nightmare. I can’t be hearing this.”

“Hyung, I just want you to know that I got what I deserved. He wasn’t going to let anybody fuck him and he got me drunk and it hurt like hell. It wasn’t an act of love…there wasn’t any tenderness. I didn’t even cum and he didn’t either. I am pretty damn sure I was crying when you walked in. I was drunk but hell I wasn’t that drunk that I didn’t feel the pain. That people do that willingly…”

Yunho’s mouth just dropped open as he stared at Junsu. “I can’t talk about this!” Yunho declared, reaching up and pulling at his hair.

“I know…and I never talked about it with anybody either. Well Jae apologized the next day for not using lube, but he said he had to hurry. It is like most degrading and humiliating moment of my life.”

Yunho just blinked at Junsu. “What do you want me to say? I don’t know what to say to you? If I said I was sorry you had a horrible experience…I would be lying.”

“I just wanted you to know that…he used me too. It was never about me. He was done with me the moment you left the room. He just laid down in the floor laughing like a maniac. I didn’t…”

“Laughing like a maniac?” Yunho seethed. “The worse moment of my life and he was laughing like a maniac.”

Junsu whose face was bright red turned to Yunho. “Till he started crying like one. He was fucking crazy, I tell you. I just got my sour ass out of there.”

Yunho put his hand to his mouth and fought down the chuckle that Junsu’s word choice was causing to stir inside of him. “I am sorry, but how the hell do we go from three years of silence to this kind of sharing?”

“Hyung, I didn’t want there to be any lies between us. I knew that had to hurt you the most and I wanted you to know how little it meant to him and how it’s the most horrendous, shameful moment of my life. My flirtation with Jae cost me in more ways than one. I was able to salvage my friendship with him but it cost me in other ways.” Junsu explained, playing with his coat’s zipper.

“So afterwards the flirtation…”

“It’s like he started treating me exactly how he did before you broke up with him. It’s like he didn’t even remember anything that had happened between us…like nothing ever happened. We were at the beginning of our battle with SM…I couldn’t let it affect our case. He started screwing around with Japanese artists then and I was more than happy to forget what happened too.”

“So you just let it go?”

“I was really pissed at first. I mean my pride was hurt and what he and Yoochun had planned was at my expense too. Taeyeon was already suspicious of my relationship with Jae and once Changmin told her about you walking in on us…it was over with her.” Junsu sad sadly, unable to hide the sadness at how badly that relationship had ended.

“She hates you.” Yunho couldn’t help but agree. Her anger had been phenomenal when she had found out her boyfriend had sex with Jae.

“Believe me I know, but back to us. I might have hated you at the time for your misplaced loyalty but their plan was just dirty. I knew you still loved him, and I knew how much that had to hurt you, but I never told Jae this,” Junsu admitted, giving Yunho a sad smile.

“So it took me getting shot for you to stop hating me?” Yunho asked fighting the urge to reach out and touch Junsu. He cursed that part of him that always wanted to touch others.

Junsu’s eyes got huge and he took in a deep breath. “I was watching live that day. I was with some friends and my brother and we were making hateful comments about how the good puppets were finally getting their reward. I was watching you with hate filled eyes when I saw you push Changmin out of the way and then there was blood everywhere and there was so much screaming. The cameraman focused in on Changmin and he was covered in your blood with this blank stare on his face and then they cut the feed.”

Yunho reached over and took Junsu’s hand. “You don’t have to talk about this.”

“Yes, I do because everything was real then. All the stupid shit fell away in that instant. You were my friend…my brother and we let people, fans, family, lawyers, companies, and money come between us. Whatever I had accused you of doing to me, I had done to you. We had both failed each other but instead of forgiving each other we just cut each other out of our lives. We were all so wrong, Hyung.”

“I know,” Yunho said, squeezing Junsu’s hand. “I should have tried harder. I just let the hurt get in the way and there were so many people with their own agendas between us.”

“I should have tried harder too,” Junsu said, squeezing Yunho’s hand just as tightly. “The worse part for me about you getting shot was that I believed Jae was right. I knew he had this unworldly connection with you and he insisted you were still there. I thought you were trapped inside your own body. I knew it wasn’t a coincidence that you opened your eyes for Jae. I kept thinking of you, who loved to dance, play sports, and to just hug was trapped forever inside a shell of a body.”

Yunho gave Junsu a small smile and turned to him with real warmth in his eyes. “I was only trapped for a couple days that I remember before Jae came and coaxed me out.”

“Really?” Junsu asked relieved.

“Yeah, I don’t remember anything about the year before.”

“Hyung, I am so glad. The thought of you trapped in that hell…I couldn’t bare it.”

Yunho felt tears welling up in his eyes. “When I was in that creek and I was certain I was going to die, I thought of so many people that I had loved and failed…and I thought of you. I remembered how at one time you had taken me in and given me a home…and my heart just hurt that it had ended so badly between us. I’ve missed you, Junsu.”

“Me too, Hyung,” Junsu said sliding over and embracing Yunho tightly. They hugged for minutes neither of them willing to let go when Yunho’s phone rang again.

Yunho pulled away and gave Junsu a long suffering look before answering it, “Yes, dear…I was just going back in the house…I am warm…wonderfully warm…take your time…I love you too.”

  • Current Mood: tired tired
  • Current Music: Holding Back The Tears, DBSK

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