Damaged, Chapter Thirty Four

Title: Damaged
Author: aquariuslover
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: R
Genre: Future AU, Drama, Angst

Summary: On a cold winter’s day he cast their love away for the sake of his family. The following autumn an act of vengeance left their love beyond the reaches of forgiveness. Two summers later a fan’s anger and the ultimate act of self-sacrifice would redefine everything they knew about love, pride, selfishness, and forgiveness.

Special thanks to Amy and Kinmotsu for their encouragement and sound advice. A thousand hugs, kisses, and sincere thanks to all who take the time to comment .

Previous Chapters

Yunho awoke to the feel of a small tongue licking the side of his face. He opened his eyes to total darkness, and slowly realized it was Jiji. Yunho reached up and petted the cat as his eyes took in the darkened room. “Why so dark?” Yunho muttered as he found himself pinned to the floor by Jae, who was sleeping practically on top of him.

With great effort Yunho untangled himself from a clingy Jae and managed to sit up. “I need to think,” Yunho thought aloud as he took in the pitch black room and tried to piece together his memories.

“No, sleep....sleep,” Jae groaned in his sleep as Yunho found himself being pulled back down to the pallet by his clingy lover.

“Jae, stop it,” Yunho told the sleeping man as he managed to free himself of his grasp again. “I think the electricity is out. It’s awfully cold in here.”

“I will keep you warm…so warm…” Jae said, reaching out his arms again but this time Yunho was ready for him and evaded his grasp as he crawled over the other man to reach for the coffee table where he had left his phone the day before.

Yunho felt blindly across the top of the coffee table trying to find his phone. He sighed in relief when he finally found it. “Fifty-six missed calls…when did you put this on silent?” Yunho asked a sleeping Jae. It was almost midnight and Yunho had missed calls from Changmin, his mom, his sister and countless others.

Yunho shivered and crawled back down on the pallet and snuggled up next to Jae and covered them both up. He was tempted to fall back to sleep but he didn’t think he should press his luck. “Jae, wake up. You can’t sleep the sleep of the dead now. I need you awake.”

“Hmmm…” Jae mumbled as he snuggled in closer to Yunho.

“The electricity is out and we need to get a fire started.”

“Oh, I think we already got the fire started,” Jae chuckled in his sleep as he thought back on the previous day.

“Yes, we did,” Yunho couldn’t help but agree. “Jae, if you don’t wake up I am going to have go out and get firewood from the backyard in the dark…and let’s be honest that’s just another hospital trip in the making.”

“What?” Jae asked as some of what Yunho said registered with him, “Hospital?”

“Jae, the electricity is out,” Yunho told him, finding his nose and gently pinching it.

Jae sat up trying to collect his thoughts. “Who the fuck turned the air conditioner on?”

Yunho rolled over on his back fighting down his amusement, “The air conditioner is not on. The electricity is out. We need to start a fire. You need to go outside and get some firewood for the fireplace. It’s stacked right outside by the back porch…remember?”

“Fuck!” Jae said. “We need some candles or a flashlight.”

“I could get up and look for…”

“No!” Jae interrupted. “You stay here. All I need is for you to fall and break your neck.”

“Then I will sit here and cheer you on. Fighting!” Yunho cheered, as he felt Jae moving around the pallet feeling around for something.

“You better stop being so cute or I will have to insist on sex first,” Jae warned, still searching around the pallet.

“I am going to have to pass. The thought of somebody finding our naked, frozen bodies isn’t the image I want to leave behind.”

“Where the fuck is our clothes? I need some pants and this t-shirt I am wearing is not going to cut it out in that weather. I know we were wearing clothes at breakfast.”

“I think we had already stripped most of them off by the time we reached the pallet,” Yunho said, getting up to crawl in the direction of the kitchen table while reaching out his arms feeling for clothes.

“Yunho, you should stay covered up,” Jae said, grabbing Yunho’s leg trying to drag him back to the pallet.

“Jae, I am fully capable crawling around in the dark. It’s walking I have to be leery about,” Yunho told him as he came in contact with a piece of clothing. “Yes!”

“You found some?”

“Yep, it’s that perverted shirt you made me wear,” Yunho said, reaching for Jae and putting the shirt in his hands. “You have to wear it since you are going outside. As soon as we find you some pants I am crawling back under the covers.”

“You should crawl back under them now. You did just have pneumonia. I swear if you get sick and rob me of a week’s worth of sex…”

“Quit nagging!” Yunho said as he found a pair of sweat pants to go with the shirt.

“I am not nagging!”

Yunho crawled back to Jae and wrapped the sweats around his neck and pulled Jae toward him and found his lips for a quick kiss. “It’s too cold for me to fight with you. I am going back under the covers,” Yunho said, as he covered himself up.

Jae quickly dressed. “I am pretty sure there is a flashlight in the cabinet by the refrigerator.”

“Good luck on finding it,” Yunho told him as he buried farther under the covers.

“Thanks,” Jae grumbled as he headed into the kitchen feeling around the cabinets for the flashlight. “Yes!” Jae hollered, as he his hands came in contact with the flashlight in question. “Now we need candles. Think back, have you seen any candles?”

“No,” Yunho mumbled from underneath the covers. “But why don’t you turn on the stove? It will give you a little extra light. Isn’t it gas?”

“You are so smart!” Jae said, turning on the stove. Jae then found his shoes and coat and slipped them on.

“I know and this is with brain damage,” Yunho agreed as he stayed hidden under the covers. “Just imagine if I wasn’t brain damaged? I would have probably already built a fire with toilet paper by now.”

“Hmmmf…no love, you would be up getting firewood in the freezing cold and my fine ass would be buried under the covers.”

“And what a fine ass it is!”

“Enjoy it while you can because it’s about to get frozen off,” Jae explained, as he opened the backdoor and flashed the flashlight into the snowy night.

“I will warm it up don’t worry,” Yunho promised him. He sat up wrapping the blanket around himself and turned on his phone, using the light of his phone he moved over to the fireplace and started checking it out.

“Oh, yes you will,” Jae said as he stepped outside.

After looking at the fireplace, Yunho realized it was in excellent shape and that they should be fine once they got a fire going. Getting a fire going shouldn’t be any problem since he had done it repeatedly in the past. Yunho was about to start searching for some paper when his phone lit up showing him he was getting a call.

“Changmin,” Yunho groaned, knowing he had to answer it. “Hey…I didn’t realize it was on silent…no, I must have done it…it’s cold…the electricity is out…ummm not really sure how long it has been out…I was asleep…yeah, I slept most of the day…He is out getting firewood…He was asleep too…You know how easy it is to get your days and nights messed up…so the weather is bad everywhere?…it’s really cold here…I am not changing the subject…I wouldn’t put it that way…we can talk about this later…I didn’t say that…well…I just…” Yunho stopped talking as Jae tossed firewood on the floor by the fireplace and then shined the flashlight on Yunho as he reached down and snatched the phone from Yunho’s hand.

“Yes, we are fucking again…don’t sound so happy…I know…I am not going to…I heard all these warnings before…what about a bet…oh, you won a bet with Heechul…what did you win?” Jae couldn’t help but ask as Yunho reached up and grabbed he phone from him.

“You had a bet with Heechul…it better not have been about…Changmin, I wasn’t lying to myself…I really wasn’t attracted…blah blah blah yourself…you and Heechul seriously made a bet…do I even want to know the terms?”

“No, you don’t. I do though,” Jae told him, grabbing the phone away from Yunho again and talking to Changmin. “So the terms…Heechul thought he would crumble the first day…and he says he doesn’t respect me…well if it hadn’t been for my fucking cat who knows…I was only an ass afterwards...why do you want to talk to him…he should be busy making a fire…I already did all the hard labor…I am not sharing intimate details…I was talking about how I had to go out in the cold and get the firewood…you know he has to be waited on hand and foot…no, you just wait…you will be begging me to move in with you guys.” Jae said, turning the flashlight back on Yunho who was glaring up at him.

“I hate you both so much!” Yunho yelled loud enough for Changmin to hear him too.


Three mornings later, Yunho awoke for the second time that day in the dimly lit room to find that he was lying on top of Jae and he was still snug inside with Jae’s legs wrapped gently around him. Yunho thought back to his last memory, which was of another blinding orgasm and then nothingness.

He had passed out, or more likely he had fallen asleep. Yunho knew he couldn’t have been out for long. Yunho had to admit that Jae was giving him a real work out…not that he was complaining. His life consisted of sex, sex, sex, eating, taking his pills, sex, sex, sex, sleeping, sex, sex, sex, sleeping, sex, sex, sex, eating, sex, sex, sex, sleeping, sex, sex, sex, eating, taking his pills, sex, sex, sex, sleeping…it was a good life.

He was blissfully happy although it would be nice if the electricity would come back on. He didn’t mind sleeping on the pallet in front of the fireplace, but the blankets could use a good washing…or two. In all truth, he could use a good washing too. The bathrooms were ice cold and neither of them felt like freezing to death. He didn’t move from his spot on top of Jae and considering going back to sleep. Jae suddenly spoke and Yunho realized the other man was on the phone.

“Do you know of a good tattoo removal place…I don’t care what country it is in…I do not plan on having sex in the dark or with my shirt on for the rest of my life.”

Yunho frowned as he listened to Jae on the phone speaking in Japanese. He hadn’t actually asked Jae to keep his shirt on more than that one time, but come to think of it Jae had kept his shirt on…and Yunho had not removed it. Jae would get up and discreetly go to the master bedroom and change the shirt he was wearing throughout the day. Neither of them ever commented on the vast amounts of his and Yunho’s shirts that Jae would change into during a day’s time. Jae’s shirt supply must be running low considering the high rate in which the two of them were dirtying them up. Was he being a pig for not liking to look at those tattoos? Was he a bad guy for not wanting to see other men’s names on his boyfriend’s body? Boyfriend? He blushed suddenly realizing he sounded like a twelve year old girl…or a gay twelve year old boy. If he had Soo Jin and Go Ara’s names tattooed on him, heck Jae would have already removed them taking Yunho’s hide with them.

“No, I can’t cover them up with his name…He doesn’t want his name on my body either…Believe me if I had my way I would have Yunho tattooed on my ass.”

Yunho frowned again, that wasn’t very romantic sounding. Why not over his heart? Why his ass?

“Why…it’s his ass…I have given up ownership to him…I gladly reverted back to my old ways…it was delusional to ever pretend I wasn’t a cock whore…sorry, his cock whore…it’s a side of me he will only ever see…you just have no idea…so good…love makes everything better…you wouldn’t understand you like everybody and love no one…completely…oh, he’s still good…fucking fantastic.”

Yunho smiled against Jae’s chest. The weakness on his right side had not really affected him. He knew he wouldn’t be doing positions that required him to stand and balance but that was okay. They were doing just fine how it was...fucking fantastic. His smile grew as he felt Jae’s hand slide down his hip gently rubbing circles, his touch made Yunho harden once more.

“Ummm…I got to go…I just felt something move,” Jae said, turning off the phone quickly and sliding it off the pallet away from him. His hand coming to rest on Yunho’s other hip.

“Good morning again.”

Yunho rocked his hips, as he raised himself up with hands braced on either side of Jae’s shoulders and smiled lazily down at Jae. “Good Morning.”

“I think it will be very good,” Jae said, tightly wrapping his legs around Yunho’s waist and raised his hips as the other man slowly slid out causing Jae to whimper before Yunho thrust back into him slowly. “Faster.”

“So bossy,” Yunho teased, as he bent down and licked around Jae’s mouth before slipping his tongue inside for a deep, sloppy kiss as he thrust deeper inside Jae. Life was indeed good, Yunho thought as he increased the speed of his thrusts, never completely leaving Jae’s body, not wanting to ever leave it. Jae met him thrust for thrust with an eagerness that only turned Yunho on more. Yunho could feel his orgasm building, when the lights in the room flickered back to life.

“Thank God!” Jae declared, staring up at the now brightly lit room. “We are going to need to hurry this up.” Jae said in a husky tone as he pushed Yunho up and away from him far enough so he could reach his hand between them grabbing his cock and started jerking himself off tight and fast. Jae didn’t last long and soon he was clenching around Yunho as he groaned arching his neck and came. Yunho watched Jae fall apart underneath him, thrust twice more and came panting into Jae’s neck.

Yunho had no time to recover before Jae was pushing him off of him. “I’m sorry do you have somewhere you have to be?” Yunho asked sarcastically as Jae jumped to his feet.


“What’s the hurry?”

“The electricity is back on. I am going to turn the heat up to 110 degrees so the bathrooms will finally get warm and we can bathe. I have this fantasy that involves a shower chair I have been dying to try out,” Jae explained, walking toward the thermostat.

Yunho frowned. “A shower chair? I highly doubt I can get turned on while taking any kind of bath. You know how many bad experiences I had.”

“My Love, I am going to erase all the bad experiences from you head,” Jae vowed, as he reached the thermostat.

“Oh, and by the way. Who the hell were you talking to?”

“A friend.”

“A friend? Really? You told them I owned your ass? You were very sharing. Too sharing. I know you have lots of Japanese friends, but I don’t think you should be throwing my name around…especially with words like cock whore,” Yunho explained, as he watched the other man adjust the thermostat.

Jae turned around to face Yunho wearing nothing but a silky, v-necked black shirt and an annoyed glare. “So you wait to bring this up after I have your cum running down my thigh.”

Yunho blinked and sat up. “No, well yes. I wasn’t thinking then. I honestly wasn’t.”

“Whatever,” Jae hissed, moving back toward the pallet, reaching down and grabbing his phone.

“No, seriously I wasn’t thinking. It’s like when you’re in very close proximity to me the other head does all the thinking, and then when you move away,” Yunho explained tapping his forehead, “this head takes over.”

Jae’s annoyance was immediately gone as he smiled down at the other man. “He used to be one of our old dancers and he knew we were lovers long before I told him anything.”

“Oh,” Yunho said, taking in that knowledge. He had always liked to believe that they had fooled everyone but they were so reckless at times.

“He and I kinda had a thing,” Jae admitted, putting his phone back down on the coffee table.

“I don’t want to know his name,” Yunho said, quickly frowning. He knew he would be active in Japan again and with his luck the man still worked for AVEX.

Jae sat back down on the pallet behind Yunho and wrapped his arms around Yunho. “I was at a bar one night, having a mental breakdown over you while I was filming my drama and he took pity on me. He dragged me back to the hotel and saved me from making a fool of myself.”

“Were you two serious?”

“No,” Jae answered, laughing at the thought. “The sex wasn’t good, so we just morphed into friends.”

“So you two managed what we failed at,” Yunho told him, with a twisted grin knowing Jae couldn’t see his face.

“We didn’t fail! Nobody in their right mind would ever give this up! How dare you say we failed!” Jae screeched, as he smacked Yunho’s shoulder with the palm of his hand.

“Ouch! You are so abusive to me!” Yunho whined.

“You are going to think abusive!” Jae growled, pushing Yunho to his back and climbing over him. “Take it back.”

Yunho darted his eyes away from Jae to keep from laughing, “I see why you never had any long term relationship while we were separated. Who could handle the abuse?”

“Are you messing with me?” Jae demanded, as he reached for Yunho’s armpits and started tickling the man.

“Stop! That’s not fair!” Yunho said, trying to wiggle away from Jae.

“Only because I am afraid I might lose a hand in all that hair,” Jae joked, as he stood up and headed toward the master bedroom.

“Hey! Real men don’t shave their armpits!”

“Who told you that?” Jae yelled back at him from the bedroom.

“The last nurse who was lucky enough to give me a sponge bath told me so,” Yunho said, as he dramatically licked his lips and batted his eyes as he watched Jae walk back out of the room toward him.

“So funny. I think I remember you crying and whining repeatedly about those so called baths. In fact, I think you were last heard bitching about one less than five minutes ago,” Jae said as he sat down beside Yunho on the pallet.

“I was just trying to cover. I would hate to make you jealous,” Yunho explained, sitting back up. “I know how you can get.”

Jae rolled his eyes at him and stuck his hand up in his face. “Do you recognize anything?”

Yunho stared at Jae’s hand and then suddenly his eyes widened as he recognized the ring the other man was holding up. “Are you proposing to me? I don’t know what to say.”

“You are not nearly as funny as you like to think.”

“What’s a boy to think? I mean when his lover hands him a ring?”

“I swear Yunho if you don’t recognize this ring,” Jae told him, as he gritted his teeth and reached out and pinched Yunho’s side.

Yunho grabbed his side exaggerating the pain. “Ouch!”


Yunho smiled and stopped tormenting Jae. “You still have it!”

“Of course I do!” Jae said as Yunho took the ring from him.

“You told me you tossed it in the Han River,” Yunho said, admiring the ring that had been such a huge part of their Yunjae legend.

“I lied. Unlike you I would never part with it.”

“It was an accident! You were with me! It wasn’t my fault. It’s not like I could have drained the pool. We were filming.” Yunho exclaimed, suddenly defensive as Jae snatched the ring back.


“Excuses? You make me so crazy…it’s been what, seven years? Will you still be harping on this in fifty years?”

“Probably,” Jae admitted as he slipped the ring on his finger.

“Thanks for the warning,” Yunho told him, as he fell back onto the pallet.

“I was actually thinking we should take turns with it when we leave here. You can wear it half the time and I can wear it the other half,” Jae explained to Yunho, casting him a nervous glance.

“Really? And I am the heroine of the cheesy romance novel?” Yunho told him, dumbfounded at the man’s suggestion. “Why not just wear a sign that says that we are gay…”

“Stop it! If you will let me finish I was about to say I was thinking we should do that then I realized I don’t trust you with it,” Jae informed him, as he laid down on the pallet beside Yunho.

Yunho turned his head to stare at Jae. “It wasn’t like I took it off and left it somewhere.”

“I know,” Jae said reaching out and grabbing Yunho’s hand and holding it. “I am just trying not to think about how things are going to be when we leave this place.”

“Five days till then.”

“Our five days are up on my birthday. How fucking ironic. Happy Birthday to me.”

“Oh, I think we will manage just fine. I don’t have to be at the office till late that morning.”

“You should see if you can put it off till the next day…”

“Don’t you have a big fan meeting planned that night?”

“I can cancel, say I am not feeling good.”


“What? I would much rather spend the day with you.”

“No more of that. I’ll be with you at midnight as your countless friends battle it out to see who gets to send you your first birthday message. It should be interesting to observe.”

“The only birthday greeting that I will be interested in is yours,” Jae said, as he sat up and crawled over Yunho to look down into the other man’s eyes.

Yunho smiled up at him. “It will be okay.”

“You promise?” Jae asked as he bent down and kissed Yunho gently on the lips.

“I promise.”


Yunho awoke a couple evenings later alone in the bed in the master bedroom. He had fallen asleep again after sex…and what wonderful sex it had been. When Jae had first insisted on shower chair sex, Yunho had been doubtful but now he was a firm believer. Jae had successfully made Yunho a lover of bath time again.

Yunho could hear Jae in the kitchen messing with the pots and pans, so he took this occasion to just lay in bed and think. He hadn’t had a moment to himself alone in a week, not that he minded but it he really needed to gather his thoughts.

In two days he would be leaving for the real world again and this fake world of love, sex, and happiness with Jae would be nothing but a memory. He had to find a way to stay true to himself and still keep Jae in his life. When the attraction that had always bound him to Jae returned, Yunho had just followed it instinctively. He promised Jae everything would be fine, but it wasn’t going to be easy.

When Yunho’s world had not been controlled by his magnetic attraction to Jae he had known he did not want a life of lies. He knew just how complicated a life based on a lie would be. Complicated but not impossible, he told himself. It wouldn’t be easy, but they could do it.

Yunho couldn’t help but notice how different Jae was now. The uncertainty and insecurity that had colored so many of his actions in the last months…years were gone. Yunho sighed as he realized that he could pledge his love to Jae a million times, but in the end it was just words to Jae. To Jae, words could be manipulated and played with, Jae needed action. Jae was somebody who being told I love you wasn’t enough…he needed to be made love too.

Yunho worried about what would happen in the future if work kept them apart for weeks or maybe months at a time. Yunho did not doubt that Jae loved him completely with every fiber of his being, and he returned that love but Jae did not handle separation well. Yunho may have spent years hating JYJ, but now that the group’s fate was in his hands he did not wish for Jae to throw it all away.

Yunho’s ponderings were stopped when his phone on the bedside table rang. He looked down and saw it was Changmin and answered it quickly. “Give me a second,” Yunho spoke into the phone as he slid to the side of the bed and grabbed a pair of pants and a shirt from the dresser. He put on the clothes and grabbed his phone again. “Hey, I am back…no…he’s actually in the kitchen cooking…I took a shower earlier so I was getting dressed,” Yunho told Changmin, trying to make it sound as innocent as possible as he grabbed his cane and walked into the kitchen.

“Wow…you are for sure…that’s like huge…he needs my help…with what…he wants my viewpoint…I still want to hear your song…I doubt it…it would be very hard to depress me right now…why don’t you send it to me?” Yunho asked Changmin, as Jae turned away from the stove to give Yunho a curious look.

Yunho smiled at Jae motioning that he would explain all to him later as he sat down at the table. “It isn’t like I won’t hear it in the studio…I guess I will just have to wait till then…why would you be embarrassed is beyond me…you are perfect…haha…okay then I will just have to wait…I will see you in two days…yeah…he cooks all the time…he is on a pasta kick now…trying to outdo Ryeowook,” Yunho said casting a look at Jae who was giving him a disapproving frown. “It’s delicious…we might have to let him visit often…yeah…okay…love, ya…bye.”

“What did he say about me visiting often?” Jae asked immediately, walking over to Yunho and placed both of his hands on Yunho’s shoulders massaging the other man.

“Does it matter? It’s my home too and you are more than welcome.”

“It does matter.”

“You know Changmin will be all smiles the moment you cook for him.”

“Smiles while he eats and then back to…”

“You both do it. You were always like that. There is a reason you were called Soul Fighters. It’s just how you are.”

Jae pulled a chair up close to Yunho and sat down giving him a serious look. “Changmin means a lot to you. I know if he is unhappy it will affect you.”

Yunho shook his head. “I am so used to you two fighting…it’s almost comforting. If it gets to be too much I will put an end to it.”

Jae frowned. “How would you end it? Make me go home? You took a bullet for him…you would literally die for him. I won’t delude myself into thinking…”

“Jae, I would die for him, but that doesn’t take away how I feel for you.”

Jae shifted his eyes away from Yunho. “I know that.”

“No, you don’t. I would die for Changmin, but I would live for you,” Yunho told the other man.

“You don’t have to appease me. I know I’m being silly,” Jae said, looking back at his lover but a trace of doubt lingered in his eyes.

“I was in a black abyss and you called me back. That day at the hospital everybody was there begging me to come back to them and telling me their goodbyes, but you are the only one that could call me back.”


“It’s easy to die, Jae. It’s so much harder to live. All this I have endured was because of you. Don’t ever underestimate your worth to me, or compare it to anybody else’s.” Yunho told him, as he grabbed Jae’s hand and pulled him into a tight hug.
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