Damaged, Forty Three

Title: Damaged
Author: aquariuslover
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: R
Genre: Future AU, Drama, Angst

Summary: On a cold winter’s day he cast their love away for the sake of his family. The following autumn an act of vengeance left their love beyond the reaches of forgiveness. Two summers later a fan’s anger and the ultimate act of self-sacrifice would redefine everything they knew about love, pride, selfishness, and forgiveness.

Previous Chapters

“You can’t trust people…no matter how well you think you know them,” Changmin said seriously. “I am sure Heechul has told you the same thing.”

“I don’t think Henry would tell,” Kyuhyun insisted. Kyuhyun was sick of playing just friends with Ryeowook for Henry’s sake.

“You don’t know that. Don’t risk giving him such a powerful secret over you,” Changmin advised, firmly.

Yunho, who was sitting beside Changmin on the grassy ground of Grand Central Park, just rolled his eyes as the younger man filled Kyuhyun’s head full of mistrust. “Changmin, must you be so negative?”

Kyuhyun’s eyes darted to Yunho but Changmin just snorted. “Don’t listen to him. Tar and feathering is in Yunho and Jae’s future.”

“True! He likes to dish out rules but he doesn’t like to follow them,” Kyuhyun said, so disrespectfully that Yunho’s mouth dropped open. Kyuhyun then turned and hurried off to Ryeowook and Henry who were taking pictures near a statue of a man riding a horse.

“He’s ruder than you!” Yunho declared, trying his best not to laugh.

Changmin watched Kyuhyun hurry off with true fondness in his eyes, and then turned to his hyung. “Really Hyung, what do you expect? Sex in the bathroom?”

“Argh!” Yunho said, bending over and rubbing his face with his hands as he shook his head. “If I had known I was going to get blamed and disrespected for it….forever! I would have had all kinds of sex in that bathroom! I would still be having sex in that bathroom!”

Changmin lost a battle of the giggles and just laughed at Yunho and his outrage. “We might not respect you, but we do love you.”

Yunho let out a breath and gave Changmin a serious look and asked, “So I should go, right?”

Changmin’s giggling stopped. He instantly knew what Yunho referred to. Changmin thought back at the morning they had spent visiting the rehab. “Yeah, you should go.”

Yunho looked up and saw his two bodyguards standing watch while doing their best to be inconspicuous. They were actually very good at giving him space. He often forgot he was under their constant protection. His life had changed so much…so much. Yunho looked down and studied his hands and said in a soft voice, “It’s not that simple, though.”

Changmin fell back in the grass and stared up into the sky. “It’s your body and I know you aren’t happy with your limitations. If you can feel more like yourself then you have to. You won’t ever be happy if you don’t at least try.”


“Don’t!” Changmin interrupted. “He will just have to suck it up and stay in Korea. He knows this. He can visit and I can visit, but if he thinks he can just stay with you that’s crazy.”

“If he did go…”

Changmin interrupted again. “It would be like admitting all those rumors and speculations were true. There are too many rumors surrounding the two of you. Everybody at that rehab would have a front row seat to the two of you…you couldn’t hide it.”

Yunho nodded his head in agreement. “At Clear Creek all the staff had to sign a confidentially agreement, and we weren’t even together then.”

“Well you can’t make all these American employees sign anything. We are lucky the hospital employees never talked…because even though you weren’t officially together you were always together.”

“I don’t think he will come with me, or I don’t think he will stay,” Yunho admitted as he lay down in the grass beside Changmin.

Changmin turned his head and looked up at Yunho. “You don’t?”

“No, I think once he realizes that his going or staying will have no affect on our relationship…he will see the flaw in his reasoning, and he won’t risk our careers.”

“I will be honest. I really thought he would have jumped a plane by now and showed up on tour, especially after Heechul posted that picture of you with Ara,” Changmin confessed as he looked around the park, as if he expected Jae to jump out from behind a tree at any moment.

Yunho closed his eyes. “He’s not as reckless as you think. He’s older now and his career means a great deal to him. He isn’t going to risk it unnecessarily.”

Changmin frowned at Yunho. “You don’t sound happy about that?”

“I am happy about that.”

“I don’t sense happiness from you.”

Yunho reached over and slapped Changmin’s leg. “I miss him of course. I am glad he takes his other responsibilities seriously though.”

Changmin slapped Yunho’s leg back. “Whatever, I think you are missing the crazy, clingy Jae who had to be pried from your side.”

“Shut up.”

“Like I told Jae…once he got what he wanted from you there was suddenly a whole new Jae,” Changmin said, grinning and teasing the older man beside him.

Yunho gave Changmin a look of scorn and told him sarcastically, “Yes, you just hit the nail on the head with the hammer. Jae just wants sex from me. He doesn’t love me at all.”

Changmin chuckled. “Well as long as you know.”

“Not only do I know, but I’m perfectly okay with it.”

“Oh, I am sure you are. Can we end this conver…” Changmin stopped as Yunho’s phone rang.

Yunho sat up and answered it. “I am so glad you called…Changmin was just informing me that you just use me for sex…so it’s true…I had my suspicions…I totally use you for sex too…yeah, no love at all…I wouldn’t even like you if it weren’t for the sex…agreed…I know…we are at Grand Central Park and it’s very nice…huge…the bunnies came with us and Henry…the other’s haven’t even arrived to New York yet, so we are wandering around sightseeing without a fan following…it’s nice…all sorts of things…we are taking lots of pictures…umm we also went and visited the rehab this morning…are you still there…oh, well it’s really late there…I understand go to sleep…I love you.” Yunho sighed and gave Changmin a frustrated look.

“He knows he can’t come without damaging his career and he’s just selfish enough to not want you to go without him,” Changmin told Yunho.

“I think once I get back it will be easier for us to discuss this. Probably while separated on tour isn’t the best time to bring up something that would only separate us more,” Yunho said, climbing to his feet and stretching.

Changmin looked up at Yunho with sad eyes. “It’s your dream, Yunho. Don’t give it up.”

Yunho looked down at Changmin and smiled fondly, and then a memory returned to him. “Changmin, what is your dream? Do you still dream of a normal life?”

“What?” Changmin asked, startled at the sudden question. “Where did this come from?”

“I’ve wanted to ask it for awhile, but I always ended up forgetting. Do you still want a normal life? You shouldn’t have to give up your dreams either.”

“I had the chance to live my dream…while you were away. I came to America and studied for awhile,” Changmin explained as he sat up.

Yunho did a double take. “I can’t believe I forgot that. Kyuhyun told me that. I had just come around though. I had not been awake for a week yet. It totally slipped my mind. How was it?”

“It was a nightmare, everything back then was a nightmare. I ended up dropping out of school after a week. I just…I drank too much back then,” Changmin admitted, avoiding Yunho’s gaze.

A sharp pain went through Yunho’s heart as he knelt down beside Changmin and grabbed his shoulders, forcing the younger man to look at him. “Is that why you don’t drink anymore…are you an alcoholic?”

“No,” Changmin said, trembling slightly.

“Then why,” Yunho asked worriedly. Changmin just shook his head, avoiding Yunho’s gaze. Yunho’s worry increased as he watched the younger man. “Changmin, talk to me.”

Changmin’s trembling increased, his face contorted in pain as he faced Yunho. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself…it just looked that way.” The look of horrified astonishment on Yunho’s face had Changmin hurrying to explain. “I had been out drinking and I drove home…which was incredibly stupid of me, but I was too drunk to know better. The house where I was staying had a garage and I made it home safely. I parked the car and lowered the garage door…I just passed out before I turned the car off.”

“Changmin…” Yunho exclaimed in disbelief as the thought of his precious boy dead and gone stabbed his heart, his very soul. “I am so sorry,” Yunho told him, his voice full of anguish as he pulled the younger man to him tightly. Yunho wept with tears running down the sides of his face as so much became clear to him.

Changmin inhaled deeply, trying to fight off his own emotions that threatened to consume him. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about. It was an accident…just a stupid accident. They found me in time and no harm was done. I was barely in the hospital. They gave me some oxygen and I was fine.”

Yunho just hugged him tighter. “I knew something must have happened, but this…Changmin, thank God they found you. I can’t imagine a world without you.”

“I can imagine a world without you though…and Hyung it’s an awful world to live in. Thinking you were gone…all because of me,” Changmin whimpered, losing the battle with his emotions, as he embraced the man he thought he had lost forever.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Yunho told him, not loosening his hold on the younger man.

“It was, though. I said those things in the interview…I set the fan off. I wanted to hurt Jae, but instead you got shot…she was aiming at me. It should have been me.”

“Nonsense! It shouldn’t have been anybody. She was a sick, delusional girl. You didn’t do anything wrong. We are allowed to be human. We are allowed to be angry and lash out at times. We are allowed to hurt. Most importantly Changmin we are allowed to forgive,” Yunho said, pushing Changmin away so he could look the other man in the eyes.

Changmin looked at Yunho, confusion written all over his face. “I don’t…I am trying. I don’t blame Jae anymore. I feel closer to Junsu and Yoochun than…”

“I am not talking about them. I am talking about you. You have to forgive yourself. You can’t carry this blame around. Everything happens for a reason,” Yunho insisted.

Changmin sniffled as he wiped away his tears. “You got shot for a reason? What reason would that be? You are going to be on medicine for the rest of your life, your head hurts you, your body weakens so easily…when it never did before, and you always have to live in fear of seizures.”

Yunho smiled at his beloved maknae and reached up and wiped a tear away Changmin had missed. “And yet I’m stupidly happy, almost all the time.”

“You are such an idiot,” Changmin told him, gently punching his arm as he rolled his eyes.

“I know,” Yunho agreed as he pulled Changmin in for another hug.


In the distance out of hearing range Kyuhyun and Ryeowook stood with Henry between them, watching Yunho and Changmin embracing.

“Are they, like, gay?” Henry asked with an unpleasant look upon his face.

Ryeowook and Kyuhyun both turned to look at Henry. “No,” Ryeowook told him, turning around to look back at the two men hugging. “They have the purest bond of all…the bond of brotherhood unsoiled by lust.”

“The purest bond of all,” Kyuhyun mimicked back at Ryeowook looking like he was going to gag.

“Cool. I just didn’t want to be the last to know. It’s cool with me if they were…well you know,” Henry said, struggling to explain.

“Know what?” Kyuhyun arched an eyebrow up as he pried more out of Henry.

Henry shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not a homophobe or anything. I just personally just don’t get it. Why would somebody want something crammed up their ass?”

Kyuhyun laughed at Henry and wrapped an arm around him. “I have asked myself the same thing. Disgusting isn’t it?”

“It’s like gross…you shit out of there,” Henry said, agreeing with his hyung.

Ryeowook seethed internally but did his best to hide it. “Henry, even if they were it would not change the fact that they are your hyungs and have never showed you anything but kindness.”

Henry looked properly chastised and rushed to assure Ryeowook. “I know it wouldn’t. I just didn’t want to be oblivious to the fact they were gay…I would feel stupid.”

Kyuhyun smiled at Henry and patted him on the back. “Now, we wouldn’t want you to feel stupid.”

Ryeowook snuck behind Kyuhyun and kicked him in the back of the leg. Kyuhyun turned around to eye his annoyed lover and batted his eyes at him, and continued to toy with Henry. “Yunho has a very jealous girlfriend.”

“He does?” Henry asked, surprised.

“You have no idea. She’s from another company and she’s very famous, so they have to keep it hush hush… but let me assure you, if he ever cheated on her…she would gut him, and then castrate him just for fun,” Kyuhyun told Henry, enjoying the look of shock on Henry’s face.

“Why is he with a woman like that?” Henry asked as he watched Yunho and Changmin who had a broken apart from their hugging.

“She’s very beautiful and she loves him,” Ryeowook explained, fighting the urge to kick Kyuhyun again.

“She’s hot,” Kyuhyun added as his mind drifted off to that day they celebrated Yunho’s birthday. “She is like addicted to sex and can’t ever get enough of him. She would have sex with him in a room full of people and not even give a shit.”

Ryeowook grunted. “Kyuhyun has a thing for her.”

“I do not!”

“Do I know her? Could I guess her name?” Henry asked, excited now to know who the mystery woman was.

“We couldn’t tell you even if you guessed right…it’s a big secret,” Ryeowook assured him.

“I am not attracted to…her,” Kyuhyun denied, folding his arms and glaring at Ryeowook. “I just admire her guts.”

“Why wouldn’t you be attracted to a beautiful, hot, horny woman? I’m attracted and I don’t even know who she is,” Henry said as he watched Yunho with a new found respect.

“Because maybe I love somebody else…somebody good and kind,” Kyuhyun said, staring Ryeowook in the eyes, as Henry’s attention was diverted to Yunho and Changmin who were walking toward a vender selling pretzels.

“Oh, yeah Victoria,” Henry said nonchalantly turning around, as if he suddenly remembered something important.

“Really? Victoria?” Ryeowook asked sounding surprised, as he smiled at Kyuhyun. “What have you heard? Do share.”

“Not a damn word because it isn’t true. She might harbor feelings for me, but it’s not my fault if I am irresistible to women. I assure you I only think of her as a friend,” Kyuhyun told them truthfully.

Henry gave Kyuhyun a knowing look. “That’s not what I heard.”

“You have to tell me what you heard,” Ryeowook said, walking up and latching an arm around Henry. “Kyuhyun is such a bad friend not sharing the dirty details with his friends.”

“He’s very secretive,” Henry agreed, looking back at Changmin and Yunho, “but I better go make sure they don’t end up buying all the pretzels on that cart.”

“Lead on, trusty translator, we can talk and walk at the same time,” Ryeowook told him as they took off toward the cart.

“Fucking Canadian,” Kyuhyun cursed as he ran to catch up with Ryeowook and Henry.


Yunho walked up to Jae’s door with his bodyguard at his side. “You really don’t have to wait outside the door. I really don’t see him letting me out of here for at least a week.”

“Sir, we will just do shifts,” the bodyguard said of the other men hired to protect Yunho.

Yunho eyed Jae’s door eagerly but his conscious made him insist. “You just got back from the tour too. You should go be with your family. Really….” Yunho’s words were cut short when Jae’s door flew open and a naked arm reached out and grabbed Yunho and dragged him inside the apartment.

Yunho didn’t even had time to register what was going on before he found himself thrown up against the wall with Jae’s lips pressed against his, kissing him madly. “Awe,” Yunho sighed. How he has missed these demanding lips that were devouring him alive.

Before Yunho could gather his thoughts or get comfortable against the wall Jae was pulling him down to the floor with him. Yunho soon found himself on his back with a naked Jae on top of him, sticking his tongue down his throat. Yunho’s mind that was covered in a lustful haze wrapped his arms around Jae pulling him closer to him. Yunho’s hands explored Jae’s body finding the other man much thinner then when he left him. Before worry could set in the kiss deepened and soon only the thoughts of how much he’d missed Jae filled him, brushing aside the worry. “I missed you so much. I missed these lips so much.”

“Yunho, the clothes...gotta go…make love to me,” Jae mumbled into the kiss as he ripped Yunho’s shirt off sending buttons flying all over the floor. “I need you to make love to me.”

“What? No hello how was your flight?” Yunho teased as Jae broke from the kiss and started jerking on Yunho’s pants as Yunho kicked his shoes off at the same time.

Jae, who had managed to remove Yunho’s pants and briefs breaking his own record for how long it took him to get Yunho naked, was stroking Yunho’s cock, and he looked up at Yunho with starving eyes. “Yunho, don’t even think about teasing me.”

In one swift movement that Yunho found way too much satisfaction in, he successfully flipped Jae over and reversed positions. With a huge grin he looked down at his pleasantly surprised lover and informed him, “teasing will not commence till tomorrow.”


The first thing Yunho noticed when he awoke from a short but restful sleep was that Jae wasn’t lying beside him. His eyes opened and his arms reached out, immediately searching for the man that should have been next to him, but he felt nothing. Yunho sat up, feeling immediately concerned. Yunho was about to get up and go find his lover when he noticed that Jae was sitting at the end of the bed staring at the wall above the bed. The first light of dawn was casting its light through the window, illuminating Jae’s perfect porcelain skin as the man sat hugging his knee, staring out at nothing, oblivious to the other man in the bed.

Yunho sat up in bed watching Jae’s emotionless stare and a sudden fear gripped his heart. Their phone conversations had been unusually brief since Yunho had told Jae of his visit to the rehab. Jae had blamed the time difference and his busy schedule as he wrapped up filming his drama, but Yunho has suspected that the man was avoiding him. Yunho tensed as the lack of Jae’s blinding focus left him feeling suddenly weary. His sister’s words of warning played back in his mind of how he was the taker and Jae was the giver in their relationship. Had he finally asked too much?

“I won’t go,” Yunho found himself saying suddenly. He would agree to anything to get rid of the feeling that he was a world away from Jae.

Jae startled and jerked his head towards Yunho, surprised that the other man was awake. “You won’t?”

“No. You are right, I am fine. I don’t need it,” Yunho lied, looking into those huge eyes.

“Good,” Jae said, suddenly looking away from Yunho and back into the nothingness.

“Then it is agreed,” Yunho said…eager to say anything to get Jae’s focus back on him. Jae just nodded his head, still hugging his knees lost in his own world. Yunho felt the urge to get up and leave. Maybe if he got up and left it would trigger a response in Jae. Yunho had not been back a day…not even a day. Jae shouldn’t be staring at the wall, they should be making love rejoicing in each other. But they were too old for the running away games now, so instead Yunho decided he would be honest. “There is something I haven’t told you.”

Jae’s eyes were immediately on him again. “A secret?”
“Only because I haven’t told you…it’s just another whim of mine, but I have told others when I should have told you first,” Yunho explained, wanting to reach out and touch Jae but something held him back.

“Don’t tell me. Please don’t tell me,” Jae pleaded with Yunho as tears started to drift down his cheeks.

“You don’t even know…”

“I don’t want to know.”

“Jae, what the hell is wrong with you?” Yunho suddenly demanded as his anxiety rose. His need to get up from the bed and run from Jae just to see if the other man would follow was taking over.

Jae flinched at Yunho’s words. “Nothing, I just don’t want to know.”

Yunho felt like he was lost in a new, horrible, alternate world. “Since when do you not want to know everything about me? Since when do you not want to know my every thought and feeling?”

Jae diverted his eyes from Yunho. “Since now.”

Yunho moved to sit in front of Jae to make the man really see him. He grabbed the man by the arms and forced him to look at him. “Do you still love me?”

Jae’s eyes widened in alarm as Yunho’s question brought him crashing back to reality. Jae flung himself at Yunho, knocking the other man flat on the bed. “Always, more than anything…more than my very soul.”

Yunho lay back on the bed as the other man curled himself around him tightly. “You are scaring me.”

Jae buried his head in Yunho’s chest. “I have a secret too…and I can’t ever tell you, so if you have one and I have one…we’ll be even.”

Yunho felt a coldness envelope his heart….Jae had been in Japan for weeks. Yunho’s mind automatically went to the worst case scenario. “Did you cheat on me?”

“What?” Jae screamed, sitting up quickly and flying off Yunho. “I cannot believe you asked me that!”

Yunho sat up quickly, feeling unreasonably jealous. “What am I supposed to think? You were in Japan. You are strangely distant and you told me you have a secret you can’t ever tell me.”

“Because I was in Japan you just assume I cheated on you? You are such a bastard! How you can even think for a second that I would ever cheat on you?” Jae demanded, balling his fists up.

“You have been weird ever since I told you I visited the rehab. You have been avoiding me. I honestly don’t know how your mind works sometimes.”

“Avoiding you? I wasn’t avoiding you yesterday or last night…it hasn’t even been two hours since the last time we made love!”

“What about now?”

Jae seethed. “Just because I have things on my mind doesn’t mean I am avoiding you. I have lots of things on my mind…you have no idea what I am going through right now.”

“Because you won’t tell me!”

“You said you had a secret too! I have enough faith in you that I just didn’t assume you fucked your way through your world tour!”

Yunho sat up and studied Jae closely. “This fact alone is odd considering you are the most jealous person I ever met!”

Jae growled and whacked Yunho’s arm with the palm of his hand. “I know you wouldn’t cheat on me…it’s just I get jealous of the time you spend with others.”

Yunho shook his head at Jae. “So this secret you have is why you are so weird?”

Jae nodded his head and assured the other man. “It has nothing to do with my love for you....well kinda it does, because everything I do is influenced by my love for you,” Jae assured the other man, sliding closer to him and placing a gentle kiss on Yunho’s cheek. “My love that never wavers…never,” Jae said, trying his best to soothe Yunho’s concerns.

“Does anybody else know what you did?”

“No,” Jae lied, wrapping his arms around Yunho, suddenly needing to be closer. “Does anybody else know your secret?”

“Only Heechul and Lee Soo Man,” Yunho told him honestly as he felt the other man stiffen in his arms.

“What is it?” Jae demanded, suddenly pulling away from Yunho.

“I thought you didn’t want to know.”

“I changed my mind,” Jae told him. The thought that Lee Soo Man and Heechul both knew something about Yunho that he didn’t ripped into him releasing the jealous beast.

“What happened to a secret for a secret?” Yunho asked and he smiled as he imagined Jae growing greener by the second. This was his Jae…demanding and jealous…the Jae he loved more than life itself.

Jae threw Yunho back on the bed. “Tell me now.”

“You won’t like it,” Yunho told him as he looked up at his beautiful lover.


“It’s just a crazy thought of mine.”


“Heechul thought I had lost my mind.”


“I actually shocked Lee Soo Man.”

“Tell me now,” Jae insisted. Jae couldn’t help but think how brutally ironic it was that Lee Soo Man knew both of their secrets.

Yunho reached out and cupped Jae’s face with his hand and told him softly, “I want to come out.” Jae’s jaw dropped open, and he just stared down at Yunho, speechless. After minutes passed with Jae just staring at him open-mouthed Yunho added nervously, “I know it would be very hard.”

The shock finally subsided enough for Jae to react. Jae stood up in bed quickly and demanded in disbelief, “Have you lost your fucking mind?”

Yunho took a deep breath, sat up, and folded his legs underneath him. “I know we…”

“Why the hell has the old bastard not had you evaluated by a shrink? This is apparently a side effect of being shot in the head,” Jae interrupted as he walked around Yunho on his bed naked, flinging his arms wildly.

“Well maybe cancer has softened him…we don’t have to worry about that with you though, do we?” Yunho snapped as his anger started to boil over.

“Maybe the cancer has spread to his brain! Only somebody with brain damage would ever think this is okay!” Jae continued to rant in disbelief.

Yunho slid to the side of the bed and got up. His earlier thoughts and realizations about being too old to run away vanished as his pride stung from Jae’s harsh words. “I am going home.”

“Oh, no you don’t! You don’t get to spring this on me and runaway!” Jae fumed, jumping off the bed and beating Yunho to the doorway. Jae slammed the door shut and blocked it with his outstretched arms.

Yunho stopped and took a deep breath and fought his rising anger and embarrassment. “I don’t have to stay here and listen to you make cracks about my injury.”

“Don’t you even think about getting all self-righteous on me! This isn’t about your injury, this is about you wanting to destroy both our lives.”

“I don’t think it would! I know where you and Heechul are coming from, but I don’t think it would. I do know it would be hard. I think it would be rough…but the reward would be worth it,” Yunho told Jae completely honest with him, so honest that Yunho even shocked himself with his words.

“Have you been talking to my mother? You know she’s crazy right?” Jae questioned, grabbing at straws. Why was Yunho suddenly saying such outlandish things?

Yunho gave Jae a scathing look and turned toward the other man’s closet. “Your mother isn’t crazy.”

“Yes, she is!” Jae insisted as he watched Yunho walk into the closet.

Yunho shut the door to the massive walk in closet closing himself off from Jae. “Maybe she doesn’t want you to live your life locked in a tiny closet. Always having to lie to the world around you.”

Jae frowned, walking toward the closet and spoke through the door. “My closet isn’t tiny. It is huge and it’s filled with the people I love, and they all know who I am and who I love. The rest of the world can continue to believe what I want them to believe.”

“Not all of them.”

“The ones that matter most.”

“I lie to almost everybody I know…to know that I will always have to do that…lie,” Yunho told the other man as he grabbed some of his own clothing from the closet that Jae had confiscated on his many visits to Yunho’s apartment.

“You don’t lie to everybody…just to people that don’t matter.”

“That’s bullshit. Lots of people matter to me. Don’t you ever get tired of lying?”


“Don’t you get tired of having to explain? Always lying about why you are with me all the time. Do you really want a life where we always have to think of an excuse for being together?” Yunho asked, leaning up against the closet door after he had finished dressing.

Jae’s anger dissipated into fear as he leaned against the closet door. “You have to promise me that you’ll put this crazy idea away. Yunho, promise me.”

Yunho spoke quietly through the door. “I would never come out without your approval.”

Relief flooded Jae. “Yunho, I love you. I love you more than anything, but no. You do not have my approval…and you never will.”

Yunho opened the closet door fully clothed. “I know.”

Jae took in the fully clothed Yunho, not liking it. “Why are you dressed?”

“I need to get away from you,” Yunho answered honestly.

“Because I won’t give you permission to wreck our lives?” Jae asked, taken aback. “Is that the new price of having you? Career suicide?”

“No!” Yunho answered quickly as Heechul’s words of warning surfaced in his mind. Yunho took Jae’s face in his hands. “Not at all. This isn’t a test and you didn’t fail. I knew your answer before I ever told you…this is why I didn’t want to tell you. I just thought I had to be honest with you.”

“Then why do you want to be away from me?” Jae pleaded as he looked up into the taller man’s eyes. “We have been apart too long already.”

“I just…need to think. Come to terms with the way things are going to be. Maybe I need to go back to Clear Creek, stand above that creek where I almost died and just remember how blessed I am,” Yunho explained, pulling Jae to him for a hug. He felt so angry and hurt by Jae, but he knew he had to do his best to hide it.

“You don’t feel blessed?”

“I do it’s just that…I have always been the taker in our relationship. I take and take from you, and maybe I need to learn to deal with giving up things too,” Yunho tried to explain as he bent down and kissed Jae’s forehead.

“Yunho…I don’t understand you. Who put these crazy ideas in your head? You don’t take from me…ever. You just give love, sanity, and my reason for living.”

“That’s not true, Jae. You give and you give,” Yunho said as he hugged Jae especially tight. “You gave a year of your life up for me. You sacrificed your career for me.”

Jae hugged Yunho back just as tightly but was smart enough to point something out to Yunho. “Yes, I did sacrifice my career for you, and I would do it again, but not for a stupid reason.”

“It’s okay, we don’t need to talk about this anymore. I won’t ever say another word to you about it,” Yunho told him, trying to pull away from Jae’s embrace.

“Yunho, don’t be like this!”

“Like what?”

Jae broke the hug, and he could not hide the anger flashing in his eyes. “Like some sad, pathetic boy who lost his puppy. Just because we disagree doesn’t mean you can never mention it again…to me. I want to know how you feel. It doesn’t mean you need to mope off to Clear Creek.”

“I’m not moping!” Yunho denied and fought to keep the pout off his lips because he was moping.

“I might think you are freaking crazy for even considering this, but I still love you…even if you are nuts,” Jae said, running a hand up the front of Yunho’s shirt.

“Don’t even,” Yunho said, snatching Jae’s hand away. “If I can’t run from a fight then you can’t seduce one out of me either.”

Jae dragged Yunho to the bed and pushed him back on it. “I totally can, and it’s a much more pleasant way of ending a fight.”

“I don’t find you very attractive right…” Yunho paused as he suddenly realized his pants were off of him, “when did you take my pants off?”

“Somewhere around the part where you were telling me I am the giver and you are taker,” Jae answered him as he leaned down for a kiss.

Yunho turned his head to the side avoiding the kiss much to Jae’s annoyance. “Jae, don’t do this.”

“I am going to mark you for that,” Jae said, sucking and nibbling on Yunho’s neck. “Avoiding my kisses, bad boy.”

“Don’t!” Yunho said, trying to push Jae off of him. “I will have to make up some lie to explain it. I don’t actually like lying! You might have noticed that about me in all the years we have spent together.”

Jae grabbed Yunho’s arms and pressed them down to his side and glared down at him. “You only enjoy lying to yourself.”

Yunho turned away from Jae. “I hate you sometimes.”

“Well I love you all the time.”

“I don’t want to be here. Can you just let me leave?” Yunho asked again, avoiding Jae’s gaze. “Why can’t you ever make anything easy for me?”

“Easy for you? If you’re going to be like this lets go announce it to the world right now. We can wear matching rainbow suits,” Jae snapped as he continued to hold Yunho’s arms down.

“Shut up! I don’t even want to come out with you now. I changed my mind,” Yunho hissed up at Jae. “And if you don’t let go of my arms I am going to knock your ass on the floor.”

Jae released Yunho’s arms quickly but continued to straddle the other man’s chest. “Oops…did I make you mad?”

“No, I am just as happy as a peach,” Yunho spat at him.

Jae reached out a hand and ran it through Yunho’s hair. “If you want to punish me…be rough with me. You know I like it.”

“And give you what you want? I don’t think so.”

Jae scooted farther back and reached for Yunho’s nipples and twisted them. “Pout all you want, but you are not leaving. If you even try to leave I will follow you out of this building naked and then we can come out in grand style.”

“Yeah, like that would ever happen,” Yunho sighed, turning his head away from Jae.

Jae pinched Yunho’s nipples harder making the man wince and look up at him. “Do you want to test me?”

“Do you want to test me?” Yunho definitely asked back.

“Not really, I really just want to stay here and play with your moobs,” Jae confessed on a lighter note. Not willing to test Yunho’s resolve, “But I won’t allow you to love me less.”

Yunho sighed. “I don’t love you less…it’s just that you’re a bitch!”

“At least I am your bitch,” Jae said, trying to tease Yunho out of his mood. The eyes that tried to avoid him and the flaccid cock that he was sitting on let him know Yunho was more than a little annoyed with him.

“No, I’m your bitch. Changmin was right. You might make it seem like I have some say in this relationship but I am just like any of your other fucking admirers that you have wrapped around your finger. I have to compliment you on at least giving me the illusion of having some self-respect,” Yunho told Jae in a frosty tone full of disillusionment.

Danger signals started going off in Jae’s head as he looked down at the other man that still refused to look at him. “You don’t believe that. You are the only person who has any control over me. If you give me an ultimatum that I have to come out to be with you…then I would.”

Yunho turned his head and looked up at the man. “It isn’t an ultimatum, but thank you for that.”

“Did you doubt it?” Jae said, reaching out and touching Yunho’s face. “I would probably vomit for a month and develop a drug habit though. I might spit in your food for a couple years but I would do it…if it was the only way to be with you.”

Yunho closed his eyes. “Jae, like I said it isn’t ultimatum. I could no more cast you from my life again than I could cut off my good arm and throw it away.”

Jae frowned and reached out for Yunho’s right hand squeezed it. “You know this arm isn’t bad.”

“It moves,” was all Yunho could say in response.

“It does more than that. You can touch, grab and hold things with it…hold me. Just because you can’t take up knitting with it doesn’t make it bad,” Jae pointed out suddenly, feeling even more apprehensive.

“Of course I am an ungrateful asshole. It’s perfect and my right leg is perfect, shame on me for ever wanting more,” Yunho told him, his voice full of self loathing.

“Make love to me,” Jae asked suddenly as the fear that someday Yunho would resent him crept up on him.

“No, I don’t feel like it,” Yunho answered, looking up into Jae’s worried face.

Jae’s anxiety level rose. “Then I will do the work,” Jae told him as he bent down and took a reddened nipple that he had been too rough with earlier into his mouth and started sucking.

“Jae, you don’t have to do this. I know I’m being a cheesy heroine from a bad, romance novel,” Yunho said, reaching out and running his hands through Jae’s hair.

Jae lifted back up and gently kissed Yunho on the lips. “No, you’re not. I am a selfish bitch. I know you need to go to rehab. I know how it hurts you being on that stage and being so limited. I know I should give you my blessing to go…but I just can’t.”

“I told you I wasn’t going.”

“And that means so much to me...I just can’t be without you right now,” Jae told him, trembling.

Yunho reached up and rubbed Jae’s trembling arms. “What happened to you coming along…damn the consequences?”

“There are too many rumors surrounding us…and things have changed…I have done…I need to stay close to Korea. I can’t be a world away right now,” Jae admitted then moved in for another kiss. A deep and desperate kiss that Yunho could not break from as Jae kissed him as if his life depended on it.

“Jae,” Yunho insisted, gasping for air as he finally turned his head and broke free of the kiss. “You never told me your secret.”

Jae shook his head. “I told you I can never tell anybody.”

“You can tell me. It can’t be worse than what I told you?” Yunho assured him. “Please tell me. I can tell that even the mention of it upsets you…Jae, stop that. We need to talk…this isn’t…” Yunho stopped, swallowing hard as Jae took his limp cock into his mouth. Yunho fisted the sheets cursing his body for betraying him as his body came alive under the manipulations of Jae’s skillful mouth.

“Your secret must be really bad if you are going to blow me to distract me? You didn’t happen to kill anybody, did you?” Yunho asked, trying to joke. Yunho couldn’t control his body’s response to the waves of pleasure Jae was unleashing in him. Very rarely did Jae suck him off. “God, you do this so good…so good,” Yunho panted out as he thrust up into Jae’s mouth. Yunho’s hands reached down and grabbed Jae’s thick, beautiful hair as his lover quickly brought him to the brink of orgasm. Yunho could feel his body ready to explode with pleasure when Jae much to Yunho’s surprise suddenly let his wet, slick cock slip from his mouth and grabbed it tightly around the base. “Jae, what the hell,” Yunho cried out startled as he removed his hands from Jae’s hair and reached for Jae’s hands that were tightly gripping him preventing him from coming.

“Don’t,” Jae warned, ignoring his lover’s anguished cry as he placed himself over Yunho’s cock, and without preparing himself pushed down hard taking Yunho deep inside him. The release of Jae’s hands and the sudden warmth and tightness had Yunho bucking up his hips and coming instantly spurting stream after stream of cum inside of Jae. “This…this is what I need,” Jae moaned, his eyes rolling back in his head. “You inside me…it’s all I ever need.”

Yunho let the waves of pleasure wash over him, hating how easily Jae handled him and loving it at the same time. Yunho opened his eyes and gazed at Jae’s own hardened cock and reached for it, but Jae quickly took both of Yunho’s hands. “Don’t. You are so big. You hit…so much pleasure…just being inside.”


Jae closed his eyes and clenched himself around Yunho’s cock as hard as he could, and smiled as Yunho hardened again. “Never takes you long,” Jae cooed as he started rocking back and forth, “let’s stay like this all day.”

Yunho watched as Jae drifted off to another world again, this time in ecstasy. Whatever had been bothering Jae earlier when he had first awoken was still there. “I don’t know what you did…or why it hurts you so much, but I wish you would tell me.”

“I can’t….feels so good,” Jae moaned, rocking back and forth.

“You can trust me.”

“Shhhh…just enjoy,” Jae begged as he slowly and steadily rocked back and forth, his body practically dripping with pleasure.

Yunho watched as Jae’s eyes rolled back in his head, as his tongue licked his lips, and as his hips rotated in sinful ways. He couldn’t let himself be distracted though. “Please tell me. I want to know,” Yunho literally begged as his own breathing increased as his body became a slave to Jae’s movements.

“No, baby, you don’t.” Jae moaned loudly as he lifted himself up, almost letting Yunho slip out of him. Yunho instinctively thrust up not wanting to leave Jae’s tight, warm body at the same time Jae pushed down taking his cock all the way back inside. Jae’s body shuddered, his mouth opened wide and he moaned loudly as he came all over Yunho’s chest.

Yunho watched as Jae rode out the climax, his whole body consumed with pleasure. Yunho waited for Jae to move off of him as the other man’s body calmed but instead Jae just started gently swaying back and forth with Yunho still nestled deep inside him. “We shouldn’t keep secrets from each other,” Yunho said more firmly, but his resolve was weakening. The pleasure was intoxicating. He knew it would not be long before he came inside of Jae again.

Jae opened his eyes as he leaned forward. “Some secrets aren’t meant to be shared. I can carry it…as long as I have you,” Jae vowed as he ran a finger through his own cum on Yunho’s chest.

“Carry it? Is it a burden?” Yunho asked, trying to focus. They were a couple, they needed to share their burdens. He wanted to make Jae understand this, but his battle to keep his mind focused was lost as soon as Jae dipped his cum covered finger into Yunho’s mouth. Desire clouded all of Yunho’s thoughts as he sucked the finger clean. Jae removed the finger with a smile and scooped more into Yunho’s eager mouth. “Are you hungry? I’m hungry too,” Jae told him with glazed, lustful eyes as he bent down and kissed Yunho, slipping his tongue inside, lapping up the left over cum, and never did he stop riding Yunho.
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