Damaged, Chapter Forty Seven

Title: Damaged
Author: aquariuslover
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: R
Genre: Future AU, Drama, Angst

Summary: On a cold winter’s day he cast their love away for the sake of his family. The following autumn an act of vengeance left their love beyond the reaches of forgiveness. Two summers later a fan’s anger and the ultimate act of self-sacrifice would redefine everything they knew about love, pride, selfishness, and forgiveness.

My eternal thanks to Amy and Kinmotsu! Also thanks to everybody who comments

Previous Chapters

Yunho’s hands glided up and down Jae’s bare back as he gently asked, “Are you alright?” Jae’s only response was wrapping his arms tighter around Yunho’s neck as he snuggled in closer to the man. Yunho sighed as he leaned back in the shower chair and continued to run his hands over Jae’s back, comforting him as the warm water from the shower ran over their naked bodies.

Jae has been in an extremely clingy state for the last couple of weeks, since the group had decided to perform as five at A-Nation. Since then Yoochun and Junsu had both settled on contracts with SM. In two days time they would announce to the world that Dong Bang Shin Ki was reunited, and all should have been right in the world, except it wasn’t.

“Hey, we need to get dressed. We don’t want to be late for the airport. Our first plane ride as five again…I know you have to be excited for that,” Yunho said, trying to push Jae away but instead Jae only clung to him tighter and clenched down hard, bringing Yunho’s limp cock that was still nestled inside Jae back to life. “None of that, Jae. I am serious. We have a flight to catch. We have a lot to do before we perform,” Yunho said, balking at Jae’s attempt to seduce him as he tried to pry Jae’s arms off his neck.

“No,” Jae exclaimed, fighting Yunho as the other man tried to loosen his grasp on him.

Yunho managed to get a grip of Jae’s arms and pushed Jae back so he could look him in the face. “I don’t understand you. Tomorrow we perform as five together for the first time in years. The day after that I announce that three of you have returned to the group…I don’t understand why you aren’t happy.”

“I am happy,” Jae said quickly, avoiding Yunho’s eyes. He bent down and sucked the water from Yunho’s neck as he rose up, almost letting Yunho’s cock slip out of him before he slid back down, moaning in pleasure. “Shower sex only makes me happier…so much happier.”

Yunho swallowed and fought the urge to thrust up into Jae’s inviting body. “We have already had sex twice in the shower, that’s not counting the sex we had before we even got out of bed this morning. It’s time to be responsible adults now.”

“Not yet,” Jae whimpered into Yunho’s chest and caressed Yunho’s hipbones, trying to get the other man to respond to him.

Yunho let go of Jae and reached behind him and turned off the shower. Jae quickly tried to bury his face deeper into Yunho’s chest. Yunho wouldn’t allow it and put both his hands on each side of Jae’s face, and forced his lover to look at him. Yunho frowned when he looked into huge, sad eyes. He lifted one hand up to slide Jae’s wet hair out of his face, and then with both hands he wiped the water from Jae’s eyes. “Why are you crying?”

“I am just a big crybaby?” Jae answered, trying to force a smile for the other man.

Yunho shook his head. “No, you’re not. You used to never cry, and now you cry all the time. Are you not happy? If you’re not happy, you can tell me. If I am making you sad, Jae…I need to know”

The astonished look on Jae’s face sent relief flooding over Yunho. “You are the only person that can ever make me happy. I’m sad because I am a selfish ass and I don’t deserve you.”

“You probably deserve better and I love your selfish ass,” Yunho told him, smiling as he wiped away a tear that glided down Jae’s cheek.

“I am so possessive of you…the guys are right to be afraid of what I will do in the future.”

“You are possessive because I gave you reason to feel insecure. I mean you used to be crazy, jealous…”

“Aren’t you trying to make me feel better?”

“I am just saying that I broke up with you…the worse thing I ever did. I made you question my love for you. You didn’t handle it.”

“That’s a very nice way of putting it.”

“I know you sometimes get afraid of the past, but Jae if I were anymore committed to you right now…I would be physical attached to you,” Yunho said, trying to make clear his devotion to his emotional lover.

Jae smirked at him and bore down, tightening around Yunho’s cock inside him, and shifted in Yunho’s lap making his lover gasp. “We are kinda attached right now.”

Yunho closed his eyes and tried to control his desire. Looking at Jae did not help diminish his desire any. “You know I love our sexual marathons, I really do…and the last two weeks have been great, but sometimes actual communication is necessary.”

“Communication is hard…sex is easy.”

“Don’t you realize how sad that statement is?” Yunho asked sadly. “I need you to tell me what is going on in that mind of yours. I need to know why you suddenly feel the need to be glued to me constantly. I love you, and I want to know what’s bothering you.”

“My considerate, most perfect Yunho... how did I ever live without you?”

“Jae, what is eating at you?” Yunho pleaded again.

Jae’s face contorted as if he were in physical pain as he confessed his burden to his lover. “I know how much it hurts you not to be able to dance. I can tell myself a thousand lies about how you are just fine…but you don’t feel it. You don’t feel it inside. And you never will….until you have tried everything.”

“What are you trying to say,” Yunho asked, unable to hide his eagerness.

Jae swallowed and told Yunho what the man so desperately needed to hear. “I hate it, but I know you have to go to America and finish your rehab.”

“I don’t have to do anything,” Yunho reassured him, even as new hope was born in him.

Jae sniffled and reached up and wiped his nose. “Yeah, you do. I can’t go with you though. I know that too.”

“I won’t go if you don’t…”

“I want you to go,” Jae interrupted him. “I want you to go. I don’t want you sitting on stage and feeling inadequate because I’m too selfish to part with you for a couple…mon…mon...onths.”

Yunho laughed and wrapped his arms around Jae’s waist and squeezed him. “Months, you can say it.”

Jae pulled his hands away from Yunho and placed them on both of Yunho’s cheeks and whined, “No, I really can’t. It scares me. I knew I should have told you weeks ago, but once I say it I can’t take it back.”

“You can take it back.”

Jae shook his head frantically. “You shouldn’t tempt me.”

“You can come and visit me….anytime you want. Friends visit,” Yunho told him, smiling, and the look of hope that burned in Yunho’s eyes now made Jae wince.

“God, I am sorry for making you wait so long,” Jae said, kissing the other man gently on the lips.


Yunho sat on a small couch in the middle of a waiting room backstage of the A-Nation Concert. It had been four long years since the five of them had performed here together. They had asked them to sing ‘Stand By You’ since they had sang it together at their last performance at A-Nation as a group of five, but Yunho had uncharacteristically used his power to refuse them. He would not sing that song…that song mocked him. He would never get the bad taste out of his mouth of them singing that song while they were falling apart so brutally.

A part of him deep down knew that he owed this reunion to an enraged fan and her gun. If she had not shot him…where would they be right now? Not together, his pride would have never allowed him to embrace the three other men. His pride had to die at the hands of dirty diapers, catheters, bed baths, jumbled words, and utter helplessness before he could allow that complicated, tormented soul back into his life…thus allowing the other two re-entry.

Tomorrow, SM Town would hold a huge charity concert for the survivors of violent crimes in honor of his one year awakening. It would be televised to all of Korea and many surrounding countries live. It had been one year since he had awoken in a strange room, hearing Maggie’s gruff unfamiliar voice. Only one year, but to Yunho it felt like a thousand years had passed since.

“What are you thinking about?” Changmin asked, sitting down beside him. “Anything good?”

Yunho turned to his younger friend and didn’t bother smiling. Changmin and he had no need for false smiles or faked enthusiasm. “Tomorrow.”

Changmin smiled for him. “When you make the official announcement that Dong Bang Shin Ki has reunited.”

Yunho’s eyes followed Jae who was working the crowd backstage. “And other things…it’s been a year since I returned to reality.”

Changmin followed Yunho’s gaze as Jae wrapped his arms around one of many celebrity fans from other companies that he had invited to come wish him well. “You know it’s because you are going to rehab right?”

“Yes, I know.”

“I don’t even pretend to understand him, but I am sure it makes perfect sense in his crazy head,” Changmin said of Jae’s overly affectionate behavior to the other celebrities back stage. “I am still shocked he gave his okay for you to leave.”

“I knew he eventually would…especially since you so masterfully laid the guilt trip,” Yunho said, clearing his throat as he cast his eyes at Changmin.

“You’re welcome,” Changmin told him. “I think the fact that you are going at the end of this week is what really set him off. I was even surprised myself that you managed to arrange it so quickly.”

“Money talks,” Yunho told him as looked back at Jae. “I think my excitement at leaving, and the fact that I had the arrangements made before the plane left for Japan might have triggered….”

“What are you two talking about?” Junsu asked, squeezing between them on the couch interrupting their conversation.

Changmin scooted to the edge of the couch trying to make room for Junsu. “We are talking about Jae ignoring Yunho and making googly eyes at everybody else in the building.”

Junsu frowned as a bad memory returned. “It’s like the last time the five of us were here.”

Yunho grinned at Junsu’s words and wrapped an arm around Junsu. “Bad memories?”

Changmin, unable to resist the chance to tease Junsu, raised an eyebrow and told him, “He only had eyes for you back then.”

“God!” Junsu cringed. “Why must you mention it? I was an idiot…a fool. I wish I could go back in time and slap the shit out of me and tell my mother where to…”

Changmin’s eyes widened at Junsu’s mention of his mother. Junsu had not mentioned his parents since he went against them and resigned with SM. “If it makes you feel better I wanted to slap the shit out of you back then, too.”

“I wish you had…God, I wish you had, God, I wish you had.” Junsu kept repeating.

“Next time you act totally out of character, and become a complete asshole, I will,” Changmin promised.

Junsu reached down and squeezed Changmin’s leg. “Please do.”

“So should we say something to Jae?” Changmin asked as a hug between Jae and a rumored ex-lover lasted especially long.

“No,” Yunho said, shaking his head.

“He is just putting on a show for Yunho. Don’t think for one moment he isn’t perfectly aware of Yunho. I have to admit this will help out with all the rumors though,” Junsu explained.

“You mean the rumors where they are lovers…oh, wait that’s the truth,” Changmin said, turning his eyes away from Jae and his obnoxious show.

“So his plan to decrease the rumors between him and I being lovers is to act like he is lovers with everybody else in the room?” Yunho asked, his irritation slipping out as the hug lingered on.

“Nobody ever said he was smart,” Junsu pointed out. “Didn’t Heechul do the same thing for Yunho with Go Ara?”

“True,” Changmin confirmed.

Yunho stood up and Junsu and Changmin hurried to stand up too. “You can’t go jealous boyfriend on him,” Changmin whispered, reaching around Junsu to grab Yunho’s arm.

Yunho shook Changmin’s hand off and took off in the opposite direction and Junsu and Changmin quickly followed. “Please give me more credit than that,” he scoffed at them, as he hurried away from Jae’s show.

“Where are we going?” Junsu asked as Yunho walked through the crowd toward an empty hallway.

“I just need to get out of there. You two don’t have to come with me,” Yunho told them.

“Of course we will come with you,” Junsu told him eagerly. “I am sick of being in the Jae and Yoochun trio. I want to be in the Yunho and Changmin trio now. I have decided for our comeback I am going to hang out with the tall guys from now on.”

“What?” Changmin said, laughing.

“Before the lawsuit even happened we seemed to always gravitate toward JaeChunSu and Homin. I want it to be HoMinSu now. I don’t drink or smoke…I need to be in your group. We can be the clean living trio.”

Yunho opened another door and stepped out of the building into a small fenced off area outside. “Junsu, I think that’s a great idea.”

“I’m okay with it, too,” Changmin agreed, trying his best to wipe the goofy grin off his face.

Junsu sighed and his eyes got watery. “You two have no idea how much I missed you…I didn’t even know how much.”

Yunho immediately hugged Junsu and agreed, “Believe me I know.”

“No, sappiness. We have to perform, and it’s got to sound good, not like a snotty mess. It has to be better than good. It has to be amazing,” Changmin said as he quickly stepped out of Yunho’s reach before he was dragged into the hug too.

“We will,” Junsu promised as he and Yunho broke apart, and then he grabbed Changmin for a hug.

“Argh,” Changmin grumbled, but hugged the other man back.

Yunho watched them with pure love in his eyes and told them, “Tomorrow I want to go back to Clear Creek.”

The other two broke apart to look at Yunho, shocked. “Tomorrow? We have the concert tomorrow…the announcement. Would you even have time?” Changmin said, questioning him.

“I want to make time. I want to go early in the day. We will get back to Seoul late tonight, and then I want to get up early and go,” Yunho explained.

“I want to go too,” Junsu said quickly, pleasantly surprising Yunho.

Yunho smiled at Junsu. “I would love for you to go. A year ago tomorrow I woke in that small world of Clear Creek. I need to go back there.”

“Won’t it be hard for you? The last time you were there…” Changmin trailed off.

“I almost died at the hands of my own stupidity?” Yunho said, filling in Changmin’s words.

“No, I just meant... wouldn’t it bring back bad memories?”

“Oh, God yes. The memory of waking up there without a clue, and being helpless, is horrible, but I can’t ignore my past. It is also full of wonderful memories…taking my first step. The wonderful nurses I loved, and the ones I couldn’t stand. I have to go back,” Yunho tried to explain to them.

“I am coming along, too. The only nurse I got to meet was completely incompetent and he was lucky I didn’t knock the shit out of him,” Changmin said, thinking back to that horrible night he found Yunho and almost lost him again.

“Hopefully Hair Cut Nurse is still on nightshift…she’s someone I can go my whole life without ever seeing again,” Yunho said, thinking back on the nurse who used to drive him mad.

“Hair Cut Nurse?” Changmin and Junsu both repeated back to him.

“Why are you talking about Soo Jin?” Jae asked as he walked out to join them with Yoochun close behind him.

Yunho looked at his lover and tried to hide his smile. He knew that once he was out of Jae’s sight the other would come looking for him. “Tomorrow, I am returning to Clear Creek.”

Jae’s expression darkened and a cruel grin spread across his face. “You won’t find Soo Jin there…she doesn’t work there anymore.”

“You had her fired?” Yunho asked, not surprised in the least.

“Of course, because of her you almost died,” Jae confirmed as he moved to lean against the fence as far away from Yunho as the cramped area allowed. “I tried to get that bitch Hana fired too, but somehow she evaded my reach.”

“Good,” Yunho told him. “Hana didn’t do anything wrong. I can’t wait to introduce her to Changmin and Junsu.”

“Hey, count me in too. If you three are going on a road trip than I am going too,” Yoochun told Yunho as he walked up to the man and patted him on the back.

“Good,” Yunho told Yoochun, turning and smiling at him.

“Isn’t it like a two hour drive? Do we even have time to go?” Yoochun couldn’t help but ask. He had made the drive before and it wasn’t short.

“We are going early,” Changmin answered for him.

“We can sleep on the way,” Junsu told him.

Jae frowned and then told them in a cold, unfeeling voice, “I won’t be joining you four on your little road trip. I’m going to be staying the night here.”

All four pair of eyes focused on Jae now. “Why are you staying the night here?” Yoochun finally questioned as his gut churned. He knew nothing good would come out of Jae staying in Japan.

“Well my friends have missed me so much, and I promised to stay and make it up to them tonight. You know…a little party in my honor,” Jae explained, his gaze never leaving Yunho’s face.

Yunho swallowed, refusing to let his temper control him, and told Jae in the most normal tone he could manage, “That’s fine.”

Jae’s eyes widened in surprise. “Good.”

“I can’t…” Changmin stopped suddenly as an AVEX executive walked out to join them. They all bowed except Yunho, who only lowered his head slightly.

“Mr. Jung, the CEO would like to speak with you,” the executive told Yunho. That this man was the one that had come and asked for Yunho was a sign of respect.

“I shall be there momentarily,” Yunho told the man, dismissing him. The executive nodded his head at Yunho and walked away, leaving them.

Changmin frowned at Yunho. “You don’t bow anymore?

Yunho, who was openly glaring at Jae now, told Changmin, “I don’t have to bow to any man…unless I want to.”

“Well…you want me to go with you?” Changmin asked, slightly shocked at the older man’s behavior.

“Nope, I can handle him just fine,” Yunho told Changmin as he walked toward the door but stopped in front of Jae, shocking the other man when he placed his spread out left hand on the other man’s chest, pushing him harder against the fence. “Do you want me to ask him if he wants to go to your party? He could bring his sling?”

Jae gasped at Yunho’s question, too shocked to answer before Yunho was gone through the door.

“Oh hell, I am going with him,” Changmin said, hurrying after Yunho with Junsu close at his heels, leaving Yoochun and Jae alone.

“If you don’t want him to go to America then fucking tell him not to go…there isn’t any need to make him miserable!” Yoochun shouted at Jae as soon as the others were gone.

Jae flung his head around quickly to stare at Yoochun who had seen right through him. “I can’t tell him that…not after I told him he could go.”

“I know you shouldn’t tell him…you shouldn’t want him to stay. You should want him to get better.”

“I do want him to get better….just not without me. I told him in the shower that he could go…and by the time we were dressed he was already on the phone making arrangements…he couldn’t even wait a day,” Jae explained as he sank down to the ground. “Not even a day.”

“Jae…its Yunho. He wants to be better, and you gave him your permission. You were all that was keeping him from going,” Yoochun told his complicated friend. “Isn’t it enough that he wouldn’t go till you gave him your permission?”

“He wants to leave me. He wants to go away for months! He knows I can’t follow him, but still he can’t wait to go. He is leaving at the end of the week…the end of the week,” Jae cried, rubbing the palms of his hands against his eyes.

“More reason for you to go home tonight. Be with him while you can be. Go with us to Clear Creek tomorrow…you two spent so much time there together. It’s where you found your way back to each other. You should be with him when he returns there,” Yoochun told his friend.

Jae shook his head. “No, if he wants to leave me then I won’t make it easy for him. I will make it as hard as I can. So hard!”

“I don’t know, Jae…maybe getting way from your stupidity will be a relief,” Yoochun snapped back at his friend. “He knows like we all know…you could go to America if you really wanted to!”

Jae stood up quickly, his composure restored. “I can’t! He knows why I can’t go with him to America! He knows about all the rumors circulating about us. He knows and he is willingly leaving me for months! He knows if I go it will be admitting our gayness to the world!”

“Then admit it!”


“Then suck it up!”

“He thinks he can pressure me! He thinks he can make me admit it. He thinks if he leaves me I will give in! He thinks I will, but he’s wrong. I will make him pay for leaving me!” Jae told Yoochun with a familiar darkness in his eyes that Yoochun had not seen in a long time…a very long time.

“I am staying with you tonight. I am not letting you out of my sight. Dammit Jae, I will not let you self-destruct this time,” Yoochun vowed.

Jae sneered at him. “Really? You won’t hold my hand and whisper encouragement as I walk down the road to no return this time?”

“I will not allow you to cheat on him,” Yoochun promised.

Jae’s eyes narrowed. “Now you are so loyal to Yunho…since when?”

“I am loyal to you! If you betray him and he leaves you for good…where would you be then? What would you do? The thought of what you might do scares me…you wouldn’t survive losing him again, and that is why I won’t let you cheat on him.”

“I would never cheat on him!” Jae screamed at Yoochun. “You think you know me so well! You don’t know anything!”

“I know that when you are hurt, or feel abandoned, you do crazy, insane things,” Yoochun told him shrewdly. “It’s almost like you enjoy hurting yourself…and the best way to hurt yourself is to hurt Yunho.”

Jae folded his arms tightly to his chest. “I can’t go for months without him. It will kill me!”

“You just went six weeks, and you are not even sure how long it will take. It might not take as long as you imagine. You managed okay when he was on tour, you will be okay,” Yoochun told him, trying to reassure his friend who tethered so closely to the edge.

Jae flung his arms back down to his side and viciously told Yoochun, “It about killed me…you have no idea what it cost me. You have no idea!”

Yoochun stared at Jae, confused and pointed out, “We can visit him. We will all go together. The five of us together will dilute any rumors about you two. Since when have you been so afraid of rumors?”

“Since my mate would happily confess all to the world! I love him more than anything in this world. I would literally cut my own heart out to be with him…”

“That isn’t true. That’s a lie you tell yourself. You could be with Yunho all the time if you really meant that...but you don’t.”

“Shut up!” Jae shouted at Yoochun before storming out the door, leaving Yoochun behind, refusing to acknowledge the truth of his words.


Yunho clung to the sink, looking at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He had met with Matsuura and had been surprisingly calm, considering the raging emotions that were threatening to consume him. Yunho was highly suspicious that some of the more reality-based rumors about him and Jae had started with Matsuura. He couldn’t prove it, so he just smiled and played nice with the highly erratic CEO. He was not in the mood to take on the CEO due to suspicions only. Yunho’s mind was focused on Jae…and Jae alone. He knew what Jae was doing, but still it hurt. He had finally been able to shake Changmin and Junsu long enough to find a moment alone by himself.

He closed his eyes, unable to stare at his reflection any longer. He hated himself so much right now. He hated the weakness in him that made him doubt his decision to go to rehab. Was rehab worth the damage it might do to his relationship with Jae? Jae was dangerous when he felt pressured or abandoned, and Yunho knew he was feeling both these emotions now.

Yunho also wondered if Jae’s guilt still played a role in his behavior. Yunho knew Jae better than he knew himself, and he had known instantly that Jae had everything to do with the downfall of CJeS. The moment Yunho had heard of the news…he had known. Lee Soo Man had been correct - Jae was the strong one willing to do what had to be done, while Yunho was held back by his own ideas of right and wrong. Yunho could never have done what Jae had done, but Yunho would not judge him. The five of them together again…the great wrong corrected.

He had made sure that Junsu and Yoochun were well compensated when they had returned to SM, even though he had claimed to not partake in any of the negotiations. A happy Junsu and Yoochun were less likely to dwell on exactly how everything had come into being, although Yunho wondered if Yoochun was purposely wearing blinders too. Yunho could not imagine Yoochun not at least suspecting what Jae had done, but if he did, he showed no evidence of it. Yunho and Yoochun were bound together by the love they shared for the complicated man that was Jae. So Yunho did not confront Jae, instead he just stood back silently, giving his approval without ever encouraging the behavior. Jae had to suspect that he knew, and if Jae confronted him he would confide in him…but only if Jae needed to hear the words. Jae was strong, and his guilt was probably already washed away by his certainty that he had done the right thing.

Yunho knew he only had minutes before his bodyguard pounded on the door, telling him that they were calling for him….so he could perform with his beloved members for the first time in years. He should be feeling overwhelmed with joy instead of this dark misery that Jae had unleashed upon him. Why were Jae and he like this? How could a couple be completely blissfully happy one second and on the verge of ruin the next? Why couldn’t it ever be easy with the two of them?

Yunho’s eyes opened quickly as he felt a pair of familiar arms wrap around him from behind. He would know those arms anywhere, like he would know the voice those arms belonged to in the darkest abyss. The man behind him said nothing, just clung to him in desperation. Yunho turned around and gathered the other man up tightly in his arms, hugging him with all the warmth he could muster. Neither man said anything as they embraced each other tightly almost as if it was for the last time. There were no meaningless words, and no empty promises that would be broken when certain feelings returned to consume them.

A knock on the bathroom door had Yunho raising his head and resting it against his lover’s head. “Yes?”

The door opened but the bodyguard remained outside and told him, “Sir, they are calling for you.”

Jae stepped away from Yunho, his eyes frozen to the floor, unable to look the other man in the eye. Yunho exhaled a deep breath and walked toward the door, toward the other three members, toward the fans that had waited years for them, and toward an uncertain future.

They found the other three and did their old but never forgotten huddle and chant, and then for the first time in years they stepped out onto the stage as one group to the sound of countless screams of joy and tears of happiness. They stood as five and sang beautifully of scars, suffering, hearts thawing, and of an eternal tenderness.
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