Pink Leotards, Moobs, and the Extra Gonad

Title: Pink Leotards, Moobs, and the Extra Gonad
Author: Aquariuslover
Length One-Shot
Pairings: Yunjae
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor
Beta: Motty123

A/N: It’s pure humor at Yunho’s expense. I will probably be thrown out of the Yunho fan club forever now…all thanks to sly_heiress who showed me the picture that inspired my madness.

Summary: Yunho stops taking his medicine…so his skating can improve.

“Isn’t she adorable?” Yunho proclaimed as he lifted the little girl up over his head, making her giggle happily.

Changmin tapped Yunho on the shoulder and told him sternly, “Give her back to her parents.”

Yunho turned to Changmin and frowned as he lowered the girl to his hip. “But she loves me.”

The little girl smiled brightly at Yunho and nodded her head. “I love him!” All the fan girls that were gathered around them at the airport cooed and awed at the same time, and some fan boys too.

“That’s sweet, but you can’t just grab kids at an airport because you think they are cute,” Changmin hissed.

“She is wearing a red shirt,” Yunho explained.

“I like red!” the little girl proclaimed, clapping her hands.

“Me too! It’s my favorite color,” Yunho told her, reaching up and pinching one of her cheeks.

“Give her back to her parents before they call security,” Changmin ordered again. The manager beside him nodded his head in agreement.

Yunho puffed out his cheeks, pouting, and reluctantly handed the kid over to her parents. “Bye, sweet angel.”

“Bye, Yunho,” the little girl told him with tears in her eyes as she waved bye to Yunho, who was quickly being hurried through the airport by his bodyguards before he could grab another kid.

Yunho walked away feeling very sorry for himself when his phone went off with a very distinctive ringtone that belonged to only one person. Yunho frowned and answered the phone. “Hey Dick…it’s your new name…I renamed you…stalker much…do you have one of your stalkers at the airport stalking me for you…I put nothing past you…I love all my fans…especially sweet, precious little girls…they are not,” Yunho insisted as he looked down to his chest quickly. “You shouldn’t be looking at my breasts anyway…they are not bigger than normal…it’s just how this shirt is made…my complexion just got better on it’s own…go make out with one of your lady warrior dancers and leave me the hell alone…I think you know what I mean…it means you are the most horrible boy-”

“Hey Dick, can we put this conversation off till we get in the van?” Changmin demanded after he snatched the phone away from Yunho.

Yunho turned around and waved at all his fans. He then started shaking as many of the fans’ hands as he could making his bodyguard’s hair turn gray on the spot. He was happily accepting all the gifts the fans brought him when the manager grabbed him and basically threw him into the black van, much to Yunho’s chagrin.

“Have you lost your mind?” Changmin, who was sitting beside him in the van, demanded while still holding Yunho’s phone.

“No,” Yunho, who was busy going through the gifts he had collected, told him. “Look at all my cool stuff!”

Changmin reached up and rubbed the spot between his eyes and lifted the phone back up to his ear. “He’s off his fucking hormones, and when I say ‘he’ I say that specific personal pronoun very loosely…he says the hormones decrease his coordination…he says he needs to be flaming to skate like a champion…I know it’s crazy, but he refuses to take them…we can’t do that…listen here Dick, you know why we can’t…believe me I would love nothing more than to drop him off with you…but he has to go to skating practice…well I don’t-”

“Changmin! This doesn’t make my wrist look fat, does it?” Yunho interrupted Changmin to ask him, as he held up his wrist that had a very expensive Rolex watch on it that he had just received from a fan.

Changmin closed his eyes and counted to ten. “No Yunho, it doesn’t make your wrist look fat.”


Jae had to promise many a favor and slut Yoochun out for a night, but finally he got into the skating arena where Yunho was practicing. The thought of a night with Yunho minus the hormones made Jae’s cock harden and his mouth water in anticipation. Without the hormones that kept Yunho’s single female ovary in check, he was an eager and submissive bottom. This was a nice break from them having to play a million games of rock, paper, and scissors to determine who had to bottom.

The fact that Yunho was born with one ovary was a well guarded secret. Only Yunho’s family, his closest friends, and the highest paid SM personnel knew of Yunho’s secret female gonad. Yunho had been fed a diet of male hormones since a young age to control his femininity, and it had worked perfectly giving him a manly persona. But luckily for Jae occasionally something would happen and Yunho would miss a couple doses…and those times Jae enjoyed very much.

Even though Jae knew a Yunho off his hormones tended to be flamboyant…he was not prepared for what he found when he walked up to the ice rink. Jae’s mouth fell open and his vocal chords failed him as he watched Yunho twirling around on the ice effortlessly….in a hot pink leotard.

When Jae’s ability to speak returned he turned and glared at the bleached blonde coordinator who was standing next to the ice rink cheering for Yunho, along with a group of other people. Jae stormed over to her. His usually pleasant disposition vanished as rage filled him.

The coordinator turned around and found herself face to face with an irate Jae. “Listen here you blind as bat, sorriest excuse for a fashion coordinator on this side of the equator, so help you God if I see him wearing anything like this on television… I will have you hunted down and stuffed with cheap polyester while you are still breathing. Do you hear me?”

The coordinator nodded her head quickly to show she understood, and took off like a bat out of hell.

Jae turned to the group of people who still remained. The eyes that had been focused on Yunho now were focused on Jae fearfully. Jae looked them over only recognizing half of them, but he didn’t fail to notice the little dancer that couldn’t keep his hands off Yunho during the Before U Go performances. Jae’s eyes lit up with devilish delight because he had been waiting to tell this midget where he could stick his hands for months now.

The short little dancer scurried off quickly sensing danger before Jae even took a step in his direction. The others quickly followed, causing Jae to frown. He normally wasn’t like this, but dammit it made him so mad the way people took advantage of Yunho’s good nature. Yunho was easy prey for some people, and Jae hated that he wasn’t around more to look out for him.

“Umm, like where did my parents go?” the girl that Jae immediately recognized as Claudia, Yunho’s ice skating partner, demanded with her hands on her hips.

“I don’t know,” Jae offered innocently to the young girl that was glaring at him from the ice rink.

Yunho skated up to them. “The big meanie head scared them off.”

“I did not! I just scared the coordinator and the midget off!” Jae admitted immediately. “I didn’t mean to scare your parents off. I’m really nice…usually.”

“That midget is like totally creepy!” Claudia declared, forgetting about her parents.

Yunho balanced himself on one foot and leaned over doing a pose. “He’s very nice though. Who is going to give me my full body massage now? You know I get sore after skating so much.”

“You get sore after falling so much,” Claudia corrected.

“Full body…full…full body mass…massage,” Jae sputtered with spit dripping out of his mouth. The thought of the midget with his hands all over Yunho immediately made Jae’s blood pressure rise to dangerous levels.

Yunho rotated to the other foot. “Yeah, he knows where all the kinks are.”

“He is really good,” Claudia had to admit. “He massaged my foot once, but he started winking at me and it gave me the heebie jeebies,” Claudia explained as she watched Jae foaming at the mouth at the thought of somebody touching his Yunho.

“Silly girl, he has a facial tick, he doesn’t like girls,” Yunho explained as he reached out his arms and took Claudia’s hands and started turning around in circles with her.

“He is not allowed to touch you! Ever again!” Jae demanded after he spit the excessive amount of salvia out of his mouth into a nearby trashcan.

Yunho immediately stopped turning in circles and brought both of his hands up to his hips and glared at Jae. “Excuse me!”

Claudia put her hands on her hips and copied Yunho’s diva attitude perfectly. “You can’t tell him what to do. You are not Yunho’s boyfriend!”

“I am too!” Jae blurted out before he realized what he said. He quickly amended for Claudia's sake, "We are boys and we are friends."

Claudia rolled her eyes and turned to Yunho. "Is he for real? You like showed me ten photo albums of the two of you."

Yunho nodded his head sadly. "Let us not speak of those times, when our YunJae love sprang eternal."

"You showed her the photo albums?" Jae gasped in shock.

Yunho sniffled. "Yes, of when you were my boyfriend."

"I am still you boyfriend!" Jae declared, walking out on the ice in his regular shoes.

“No, you’re not. You dumped him for sex, money, and fast cars,” Claudia told Jae scornfully as she pointed her finger at him.

At Claudia’s words Jae slid on the ice and fell on his ass. Jae stared up at her dumbstruck. “I did not! I dumped him for personal freedom……..and money and fast cars.”

“Told you he dumped me,” Yunho said vindictively as he skated over to Jae and looked down at him contemptuously. “Everybody thinks he’s so nice!”

Jae looked up at Yunho and then looked away because it was hard to win a fight with your hormonal boyfriend when he was wearing a pink leotard. “I undumped you as soon as I found out why you didn’t join us in the lawsuit.”

“Why didn’t you and Changmin join the lawsuit?” Claudia asked earnestly as she skated around the fallen Jae in circles.

“My family owed SM lots of money, so I couldn’t go. Changmin stayed because he is my dearest friend,” Yunho paused as tears filled his eyes. “Dearest friend I ever had. He wouldn’t leave me.”

“Poor Yunnie,” Claudia sobbed and skated into Yunho’s arms hugging him tightly.

“You forgot to mention that Changmin stayed because SM has all the hot chicks and they offered him his own personal chef for everyday of the week!” Jae snapped from his spot on the ice where he had fallen earlier.

“Don’t listen to him, he is jealous of the brotherly bond I have with Changmin. It’s purer than any relationship he has. Changmin loves me,” Yunho said, still weeping and clinging to Claudia.

“I love you too!” Jae yelled up at him.

Yunho pulled away from Claudia and stared down a Jae. “You are just here because Changmin told you I was off my hormones and you think-” Yunho paused and looked at Claudia and then look back to Jae, “that we can cuddle, but you are wrong…because I’m not getting anywhere near your fungus.”

“Fungus?” Claudia and Jae asked at the same time.

“I don’t want to be infected by your fungus that is all over your arm,” Yunho said, pointing to Jae’s right arm that was covered by long sleeves.

“Eww…I want to see,” Claudia asked, cringing but still curious to see what it looked like.

Jae turned red and tried to stand up, but promptly fell on his ass again. “It’s not a fungus! It’s a bacterial infection!”

Yunho snorted. “It’s a fungus. Probably one of your lady warrior dancers gave it to you.” Yunho then smiled deviously and bent down and patted Jae’s cheek. “Imagine if it spreads to your face!”

“Now, you are just being a bitch!” Jae said, snarling up at Yunho as he swatted Yunho’s hand away from his face.

“Takes one to know one!” Yunho said childishly as he skated around Jae in circles imitating what Claudia had done earlier.

Claudia seemed to be pondering something. “Wouldn’t it still be nasty if it was a bacterial infection?”

“Yes,” Yunho answered.

“No,” Jae answered.

Claudia shook her head at the two bickering men. “I have to go find my parents. It’s like one o’clock in the morning. I have to go to school tomorrow.”

Yunho skated up to Claudia and gave her a big hug. “Good night Claudia! Sleep well.”

Claudia hugged Yunho back and whispered loudly enough so Jae could hear her. “If you cuddle with him…make sure he covers it up. You wouldn’t want to get any diseases that he may have picked up from one of his lady warrior dancers.”

Yunho pulled away from Claudia stunned silent.

“What?” Jae demanded from his seat on the ice completely flabbergasted at the girl’s audacity.

Claudia smirked as she left the ice rink and held up her right arm not looking back. “Your arm, duh!”

Jae glared up at Yunho. “I can’t believe you told that girl that we are gay!”

“I didn’t really have to tell her,” Yunho admitted, as he fluffed his newly permed hair. Yunho then skated back to Jae and reached an arm down for him. “She’s half Swiss, they are neutral about everything.”

Jae reached up and grabbed Yunho’s arm. “You also told her I dumped you! I didn’t dump you! It was a misunderstanding! I love you very much.”

Yunho shook his head in amusement and pulled Jae up off the ice. “You don’t have to suck up. You are going to get some.”

Jae instantly brightened. “Really?”

“Really,” Yunho told him as he helped Jae to stand up straight.

“With you, right?” Jae confirmed, immediately suspicious of his good fortune.

“It’s not like I can slut a friend out for you,” Yunho said as he tried to get Jae to move.

Jae cringed, immediately thinking of Yoochun. “Of course not…that would be so wrong to slut your friends out for favors.”

“Jae, I am going to need you to move,” Yunho said, trying to push Jae into moving.

“Me and ice aren’t really a good combination,” Jae said, clinging to Yunho, afraid to move. “I don’t know what I was thinking when I walked out here.”

Yunho shook his head in understanding. “Your coordination does seem to be decreasing with age. I mean you were always clumsy but now it’s worse. For a good laugh I always like to watch you and Yoochun dancing…well, attempting to dance at your JYJ concerts.”

“Go fuck yourself! It isn’t age!” Jae snapped.

“I’d rather you fuck me…hard,” Yunho whispered seductively in Jae’s ear, causing the other man to groan. “You gotta admit your dancing skills have reached an all time low…and that’s saying a lot.”

“One of the biggest perks of escaping the evil empire was never having to suffer though hours and hours of mindless dance practice again.”

“Why are you so stiff?” Yunho whined, shoving Jae and was finally able to nudge Jae into moving.

“Because contrary to popular opinion, I’m not getting any! I don’t want warrior lady dancers or skanky Japanese guys with bad teeth. I want you, and we are never in the same country and when we are there is like a thousand people between us!”

Yunho ran his lip across his top teeth thankful for corrective dentistry. “That isn’t what I meant! Your body is barely moving.”

“Oh,” Jae replied, blushing as he clung to Yunho and confessed, “my ass is frozen and I can’t feel my balls.”

“Ouch,” Yunho said in sympathy as he guided Jae closer to the edge of the rink. “Maybe we will just cuddle.”

“Like hell we will. I have been watching you flutter around in that tight leotard…your ass has been calling my name. I don’t even like breasts, but damn yours are so perky,” Jae said hungrily, just imagining what they could be doing.

Yunho suddenly let go of Jae and cupped his breasts. “Do you really think they are perky?” Yunho asked Jae as the other man immediately fell back down once Yunho let go of him.

Jae, who was sprawled out on his back, looked up and watched as Yunho felt himself up. “Very perky.”

Yunho smiled and continued to fondle himself. “The company wanted me to have them removed, but what did my moobs ever do to anybody to deserve getting cut off?”

Jae just stared up at Yunho not bothering to even try and get up on his own. “And somehow I’m the one that always gets knocked up in fan fiction,” Jae grumbled as the object of his affection went on and on about his poor innocent moobs.
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